Persistence of Memory

Winter, Zamalek, Cilantro, green tea with mint, Souad Massi, and myself.

Time changes nothing.

Prière à Saint Nicolas

Ô vous qui êtes notre protecteur, du milieu des périls nous crions vers vous. Ô patron bien-aimé, venez a notre secours, tendez vers nous votre main secourable, éloignez le danger, montrez encore votre puissance et gardez-nous sains et saufs.
Vous arbitre de paix, vengeur des infortunes imméritées, ambassadeur des malheureux auprès de Dieu, souvenez-vous de nous dans le Ciel où vous habitez avec les Anges, et soyez notre defenseur infatigable et chaleureux.
Saint Nicolas, notre Patron, bénissez et protégez nos chers paroissiens et tous les fidéles qui se confient a vous.


[Saint Nicolas Church - Bruxelles. I was passing by it and felt the overwhelming urge to go in and light a candle, it was closing time and the "guard" was shooing people outside but the Pere yelled at him something along the lines of you shouldnt kick people out of the house of God, and he was nice enough to let me wander around. I did that two days in a row, and I thought of two very dear people who would've understood what it meant and the spirituality of it all. This prayer was close to the candles.]

Extraordinary

prologue: Weirdly, I find this to be one of the happiest songs in my life :) I am writing a long combo post..

She's an Extraordinary girl
In an ordinary world
And she cant seem to get away

He lacks the courage in his mind
Like a child left behind
Like a pet left in the rain

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She sees the mirror of herself
An image she wants to sell
To anyone willing to buy

He steals the image in her kiss
From her hearts apocalypse
From the one called whatsername

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
Some days it's not worth trying
Now that they both are finding
She gets so sick of crying

She's an Extraordinary girl


~ Green Day, Extraordinary Girl

numb

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

certain kinds of people

I'm leaving here
Getting out of this place
Leaving here
Getting out of this place
Only certain kinds of people
Can take these things

Get up in the morning
I'm paying my bills
Watching a storm cloud form over the hills
It appears I was waiting for my old self

I don't know what I'm made of
Or where from I came
Don't even seem to remember my name
Or why the ghost's alive in this cave

They say she's on the run
It's over, it's over, it's over, it's over
And thought then can turn action
And I dig, and I dig, and I dig, and I dig

'Til my head is so sick and so clear

I'm leaving here
Getting out of this place
Leaving here
Getting out of this place
Only certain kinds of people
Can take these things

I'm tired and lost and feeling blown
Running around in a field, just out of my skull
How will I ever find my way home?

Get up in the morning
I'm paying my bills
Watching a storm cloud form over the hills
It appears I was talking to my own self

They say she's on the run
It's over, it's over, it's over, it's over
Then thought turns into action
And I dig, and I dig, and I dig, and I dig

'Til my head is so sick and so clear

I'm leaving here
Getting out of this place
Leaving here
Getting out of this place
Only certain kinds of people
Can take these things

I'm tired and lost and feeling blown
Running around in a field, just out of my skull
How will I ever find my way home?


~ British Sea Power, How Will I Ever Find my Way Home

The Perks of Being a Wallflower... the beginning..

Dear friend,

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don't try to figure out who she is because then you might figure out who I am, and I really don't want you to do that. I will call people by different names or generic names because I don't want you to find me. I didn't enclose a return address for the same reason. I mean nothing bad by this. Honest.

I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.

I think you of all people would understand that because I think you of all people are alive and appreciate what that means. At least I hope you do because other people look to you for strength and friendship and it's that simple. At least that's what I've heard.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.


~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Deep inside.. under the effect of feva

When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you


I am under the effects of a high fever and 3 months of pent up stress.. i havent had a decent cry out in so long.. almost 3 months or so, weird huh? instead i keep all these toxins deep inside of me, or i try to get it out thru some healthy outlet.. now that am under the mental state am in, my head is boiling from the heat, the taste of pure water makes me sick, and my "skin" hurts.. really this is beyond the "eveyryone in my body feels broken" feeling.. my SKIN is really hurting to the touch, and i feel a numbness all over.. was coming home with A when i started shivering uncontrollably all over... and the funny thing is, i know that chances are, i will almost back to normal tomorrow.. thats why i dont have credibility when am sick, sickness doesnt "stick" to me somehow.. or i dont let it. to which am grateful.. but now since my skin hurts, my head hurts, my BRAIN hurts, and my heart, insides all hurt hurt.. After i started talking out loud to imaginary ppl in the room (in full awareness that am doing in but cant stop it!), then i started calling up ppl who would talk me to sleep, another failure so i decide to get the toxins out on paper, now that am that far, i dont feel like going on.. am listening to the song am using throughout the post over and over and over again...


disclaimer: i dont commit to making sense..


Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cuz I live to be
Deep inside of you

Today i cried, not for long tho.. for just an eeny little while, a couple of minutes.. probably thought i was taking down my fever by getting it out of my tear ducts.. anyway, i thought, i decided, and i cried.. hoping i would cry myself to sleep.. didnt work.. i turned off the fone, sthg i rarely do and i put it away, because i didnt wanto call.. somehow it feels "wrong" now, before it seemed foolish, now it feels wrong.. funny, given the circumstances :) i "shouldnt" feel guilty for wanting to call, but again what should and what is are rarely related with me!


You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them


i made a curse.. really.. i made a crazy voodoo curse, i drew it on a napkin and hoped it would take it all away, but i think i reversed the curse or something..


And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you


i need to go back now to my happy place inside my head..

Optimism (or blind faith in human nature!)

".....I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."


~ quoted from "Eat, Pray, Love"


That has to be one of the best things I've read that describe me..

I'm Odd

My head begins to jingle
Most ev'ry time I nod
obviously, quite obviously I'm odd

Each Christmas I go fishing
to catch a Christmas cod
cause obviously, quite obviously, I'm odd

When I was just a kitten,
they'd said I'd be a gem
But now that I'm a Cheshire Cat
It's odd how odd I am

I own a feather pillow
but I slumber on the sod
cause obviously, quite obviously I'm odd

When I was just a kitten,
they'd said I'd be a gem
But now that I'm a cheshire cat
It's odd how odd I am

Most cat's have handsome whiskers
But me, I've got a beard
cause obviously, quite obviously I'm wierd


~ a deleted song from Disney's Alice in Wonderland

Why do you come here?

although I might get a couple of replies, I wont get YOUR reply..

I wish I could say all what I want to say.. all the hidden messages that i want to send but cant, all the warnings, the bets (especially the bets), the talks..

but I can't.


... or is it that I don't care? :)

Self-obsessed Introspection

A Prayer

3endi se2a feek :)

I don't have the general infatuation with Fairouz.. But this is one of the songs that really knock me off my feet.. If there is an OST for my life, this song is definitely there :)oh, and it's my first posted arabic lyrics


عندي ثقة فيك ..عندي أمل فيك ..و بيكفّي
شو بدك يعني أكتر بعد فيك؟
عندي حلم فيك ..عندي ولع فيك ..و بيكفّي
شو بدك إنه يعني موت فيك؟
والله راح موت فيك ..صدّق اذا فيك ..و بيكفي
شو بدك مني اذا متت فيك؟

معقول في أكتر ؟ أنا ما عندي أكتر
كل الجمل و يعني عم تنتهي فيك
عندي ثقة فيك و بيكفي

حبيتك متل ما حدا حب ولا بيوم راح بيحب
و انت شايفها عادية و مش بهالأهمية
بجرب ما بفهم شو علّقني بس فيك

بكتب شعر فيك ..بكتب نثر فيك ..و بيكفّي
شو ممكن أكتب بعد فيك؟

معقول في أكتر ؟ أنا ما عندي أكتر
ما كل الجمل يعني عم تنتهي فيك

تحكيني متل طفل صغير و هاملني كتير
لو شي مرة صبحية ..تفكر تتصل فيّ
قل لي شو ياللي بيعلقني بس فيك؟

عندي ثقة فيك ..عندي أمل فيك ..و بيكفّي
شو بدك يعني أكتر بعد فيك؟
عندي حلم فيك ..عندي ولع فيك ..و بيكفّي
شو بدك إنه يعني موت فيك؟
والله راح موت فيك ..صدّق اذا فيك ..و بيكفي
شو بدك مني اذا متت فيك؟

once more

...apparently she read the quote when I did, where I did, and -like me- she loved it.. So she had it tattooed.. Again a beautiful work of art.

...how convenient..

p.s.: you might as well replace baseball with Harleys, soccer, shisha, etc.

You are "here"

Love Supreme

Oh what are you really looking for?
Another partner in your life to abuse and to adore?
Is it lovey dovey stuff,
Do you need a bit of rough?
Get on your knees

Yeah turn down the love songs that you hear
'Cause you can't avoid the sentiment
That echoes in your ear
Saying love will stop the pain
Saying love will kill the fear

Do you believe
You must believe

When there's no love in town
This new century keeps bringing you down
All the places you have been
Trying to find a love supreme
A love supreme

Remember Remember

We are -by nature- threathened, insecure, wary of inconsistency.. and with you I always feel the need to be inconsistent.. because when I dont know what to expect, I dont know what to give... me.. a person who always knew what to expect, a person with so high expectations according to some.. or maybe just the wrong expectations, a parallel view.. So you confuse me, by your twisted manipulative ways that are unjustifiably cruelly un-straight-forward.

So I become inconsistent.. bipolar? No, I stopped.. I dont get angry, life is too short to spend it playing games.. not _your_ kind of games at any rate..


Once I put my mind to it, it became too easy to forget. So much so that now I am even unable to call it back to my memory when I want to. Then how can I remember the exact hour it was one year ago, and yet forget most of what's after? but yet, it's good to feel how bad it felt.


Remember remember.. Only this time, I did remember.



Relationships are overrated. Don't get me wrong, I am not in any way bitter. Allow me to rephrase then: the added-value of relationships is way too overrated!



Et puis?

A cute one

Well, it's not the dye job, not the closest friend, and i wasnt left.. but you get the drift :D

Sometimes it feels good!

Tear in your Hand

All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath, babe
If you need me, me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king
Neil said hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving 'cause me and Charles Manson
Like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen

Well all the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is
Danglin'... danglin'... danglin' for me
Darling, you don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in your hand

Maybe I ain't used to
Maybe smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up
Everytime I touch you
Maybe
Maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
Well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind in the daze
Of the why it could've never been
So you say and I say
You know you're full of wish
And your 'baby baby baby babies'
I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen

Well all the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is
Danglin'... danglin'... danglin' for me
Darling, you don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in your hand
With that tear in your hand

~ Tori Amos

Moral

"And if there's a moral there, I don't know what it is, save maybe that we should take our goodbyes whenever we can."

~Neil Gaiman

Stealing the feeling

"you immediately know you are not happy. and also realize that you were not happy there too. only clinging to a projection that has no existance only in your imagination. and between the reality and the projection, you reject both. need neither. "

~Haal

This is me, can you handle it?

Let me start off by stating a fact: I am not a good person. I am not terrible, neither am I aware of all my shortcomings. But again: I am not a good person.

I know you're not surprised to hear this. Neither the fact itself, nor me admitting it.. If anything, no one ever accused me of being conceited (and i've been accused of a LOT other stuff!)

"I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic —in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself."
~ Anaïs Nin

As Anaïs Nin puts it, I do not feel the need to adjust myself to the world, I am adjusted to myself.. Neither do I feel a need to re-adjust the world to me, as a self-centered control freak would do. I am both all-knowing AND ignorant about who I am.. but that's again a part of me.

Am I allowed to vent off and be angry? Yes. And you are allowed to accept it, reject it, or just let it be and have nothing to do with it.. And so far you've chosen the third (we can argue it happened after choosing the first, then the second!).. Many years ago, I once said "love me or hate me but spare me your indifference".. Do I still prefer hatred (or negative feelings) to indifference? I dont think so.. but would I settle for this indifference? NO WAY. I need intensity. Calm and content, but intense nonetheless.

This is me, can you handle it?

I always feel there was more I couldve done.. About almost anything in life.. and you know what? chances are, there was more i couldve done, and i didnt do it, but it had to stop somewhere.. Almost but not quite.. always, always..

A perfectionist, idealist, sadist, masochist, racist, or whatever "-ist" you may.. I am not interested in names and labels anymore.. And -maybe to your surprise- I am not interested in analyzing anymore.. I am interested in just "being", if it makes any sense to you.

So, again, this is me. Can you handle it?

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

Except that, YOU'RE NOT STILL HERE :) I love to read.. I just finished a great great book written more than 35 yrs ago, called "The Breakfast of Champions" and I would probably tell you all about it if I got the chance, and if it were in person and I had the book on me, I would probably get it out and show you all the funny diagrams the guy included in the book, and share with you a couple of the pages I marked.. I will even tell you a long and complicated story of how I knew about this guy and then the thing that triggered the memory of me hearing about him and then how I was at Diwan and ran into the books and called to ask which book she recommended.. And halfway through the story I will forget my point and I will pause to say "I forgot why am I even telling this story!" and you will make fun and I will get all defensive.. And so on..

And I will tell you I learned the "And so on" part from the book and loved it, and I will tell you he even says "etc." a lot like I do.

And then I will feel I am babbling, and I will comment on how I tell a lot of stories, and then I will say the story that Duke told me about Jeremy Clarkson and his advice about knowing which stories to tell, and then I will say how based on this JC story, Duke and I developed this phrase of "Jeremy bey2ool eih?" whenever he feels am drifting into spaghetti stories..

And then I will proceed to talk about JC and his couple of Top Gear videos that I watched.. and I will probably comment about the movies I watch @ M&S, and I will tell you that Karim got more movies, and I will tell you about "Paris, je t'aime" and I will tell you I asked him to get me Dr. Seus "Cat in the Hat" hat if he found it, because I always imagine meself wearing it while reading Dr. Seus stories and it became an obsession when I dreamed about it.. it felt so real.. And AGAIN I will be drifting..

..and yet, this is me, can you handle it?

Then I will get all emotional, and I will start by saying a couple of "confessions" as I call them.. and they will always be in the form of: Do you know something? when I did *insert stupid action here*, I didnt really want to do it.. In fact, I did it JUST because I thought you would like it..

..and you will think (and probably say) something along the lines of "and dont u have any brains and/or personality of your own to judge".. and I will think (and definitely say) something along the lines of "I do! but i just thought...."

And so I will feel bad for my confessions, and I will go all analytical on you and me and it and us and them, and why and when and what if and all this jazz.. and you will be patient and impatient and cynical and serious and bored and offensive and defensive.. and I will tell you "sebni akammel bass" and you will ask me to go on, and I will say I forgot.. because the only way I can talk with you is in drifting thoughts.. as far as I have the points I want to discuss written down so as not to drift (I did, and it worked, too little too late though)

and if you read this far, you know this is me.. Can you handle it?

This post is not about you in any way.. really.. it's not.. It is all about me.. Just like it always has been.. Seeing the world through my eyes.. seeing the world through YOUR eyes through MY eyes.. seeing ME through MY perception of your eyes.. Projecting and speculating and assuming and analyzing.. Listening and accepting, and forgetting and blocking.. Blocking then resurfacing.. nothing ever gets forgotten, it always comes up.. I never forget.. It's just that while you were listening and recording words, I was listening and recording feelings.. and it's the feelings I never forgot..

this is about me, someone with "word vomit" and "emotional dumps".. Two expressions that I have deceived myself into believing I invented.. Two expressions that I use so freely about me, but get offended if anyone else does..

I invented you. "We created a monster" as I like to put it with her when we're playing Thelma and Louise.. I really did.. Now, dont get offended.. It's not the "you", it's again my projection of you.. We all have this picture-perfect image in our heads, and we just cut and paste and trim the new picture until it fits the image, glue someone's head to the photo.. the photo with a black void in place of the face..

But come on, this IS me! Can you handle it?

Well, I guess you and I know that I wouldnt have needed to ask this question if the answer was yes.

And so on.

A sign? nah, more like a little post-it

I was on my blogger dashboard and I just noticed that the number of my posts labelled "47" have reached FORTY-SEVEN posts... :D

1) Silly fact, but I find it interesting

2) This is -by far- the most label I have used, to be followed by "lyrics" at 22, then "life" at 19. And... this is -again by far- the most I have talked about a certain topic..

3) So as not to jinx it or break the loop, I will have NOT to label this post as "47" altho it's all about it!

4) You see, you were "labelled" too


Bisous,
N.

One year ago...

Exactly one year ago, I blogged this:

On my mind is one phrase that keeps going on and on and on: ".. for who else would make the journey".. It's part of a sentence keda.. hmmm i dont know.. very meaningful in context.

======
some long post is in progress.. of abusive relationships, forgotten dreams, Pink Floyd, et fenetres!


I never got to writing that "long post".. and I dont remember what I wanted to say about 'fenetres' (French for windows).. But, I can now share the complete sentence from which I quoted, and it goes like this: "if you find me here, I know you care, for who else would make the journey..."


Only now does it make that much sense, when it changed its purpose..

So, find me.

revelation

Given that, do I still regret my choices?


I walk a tight rope
and live with the high hope
that somehow we still feel the same
through this catastrophe
it's quietly telling me 'welcome'
-there's that word again

for I don't care if the world's upside down
if you're lost or I'm found
I know my feet will stay far from the ground
if you'd just stick around

Self-induced

l'homme de verre

Vous n'avez pas des os en verre, vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette.

That I would be good..

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

Neil Gaiman knocks me out again in "I Google You"

(to listen to this beauty go to http://www.myspace.com/perilyons)

I Google you
late at night when I don’t know what to do
I find photos
you’ve forgotten
you were in
put up by your friends

I Google you
when the day is done and everything is through
I read your journal
that you kept
that month in France
I’ve watched you dance

And I’m pleased your name is practically unique
it’s only you and
a would-be PhD in Chesapeake
who writes papers on
the structure of the sun
I’ve read each one

I know that I
should let you fade
but there’s that box
and there’s your name
somehow it never makes the pain
grow less or fade or disappear
I think that I should save my soul and
I should crawl back in my hole
But it’s too easy just to fold
and type your name again
I fear

I google you
Whenever I’m alone and feeling blue
And each scrap of information
That I gather
says you’ve got somebody new
And it really shouldn’t matter
ought to blow up my computer
but instead….
I google you

~ Neil Gaiman

a phrase in my head

... but you make it look so easy!

Mahmoud Darwish

Mahmoud Darwish passed away tonite.. I cant find anything more to say here, except that I never really was fond of poetry nor of politics, and -thru the beautiful music of Marcel Khalife- this man gave me both in such style..


Bless his soul..

Let's call it even?

....not even close!

Good or Bad

Pity.. (removed the post :P)

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ...


I am content..


"Karma"!

Karma

--- Excerpts from Wikipedia ---

...is the concept of "action" or "deed" in Indian religions understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect.

Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others.

... the tenet of the law of karma is essentially "if you do good things, good things will happen to you — if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you"

--- End of Wikipedia Excerpt ---


So, "Everything's Eventual" fel akher.. The Universe, or Multiverse if you will, is constantly balanced, what goes around comes around and no bad deed goes unpunished...... at least eventually..

I once almost a year ago told someone "Life treats good people good, at least eventually", and he replied "I agree.. I just have trouble believing I am good people"

Well, maybe you are, maybe you're not.. Eventually, we'll know..


"All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds." ~Candide by Voltaire


Cheers,
N.

Just Because

My Secret: The answer to the question was satisfaction enough.. nothing couldve made it better for my female pride and ego.. I cant help but keep smiling.. *phew*

not a secret..

I tend to believe that life is EXTREMELY fair.. and this thought is suddenly very comforting :)

What goes around comes around.. if only one would know..


"oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive"

A secret I want to hear

If you want me..

One of the most beautiful things I've heard.. ever..
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BErXsF48G3Y)


Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can’t tell dreams from truth
for it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore

When I get really lonely
and the distance causes our silence
I think of you smiling
with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you’d believe me
when others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
when you know I really try
to be a better one to satisfy you
For you're everything to me
and I’ll do what you ask me
if you’ll let me be, free

If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me

Translate my Thoughts

Some people have the ability of taking normal thoughts, bad thoughts, good thoughts, ugly thoughts, dark thoughts, and turning it into beautiful words.. My friend the Duke is one of them, and I cannot find more to say here.. He wrote the below a couple of months ago after a long talk I had with him about me wanting to "cut the umbilical cord that ties me to certain people in my life"... Enjoy! (except Duke probably :)) I love the turn of events at the end: "into another grip".. some people never learn!


I’ve thrown your umbilical noose around my neck
I built myself a little home inside your womb
Now I can’t breathe anymore
And if I cut it, I’ll just wither and die
At your door

Release Me
Unleash Me

I want to break free from your tender grip
I wish I can close my eyes and slip
Into the darkness
Far far away
From your tender grip

I’ve stabbed your heroine needle in my veins
You take me high and down again
The higher I climb, the harder I fall
And I crash and I crumble into million little pieces
At your door

Distill Me
Unbreak Me

I want to break away from your habit
I want to stand on the edge
And freefall into the darkness
Far far away
Into another tender grip…

oh, and by the way

A handful of sunshine :)

Money's just something you throw
Off the back of a train
Got a handful of lightening
A hat full of rain
And I know that I said
I'd never do it again
And I love you pretty baby but I always take the long way home

I put food on the table
And roof overhead
But I'd trade it all tomorrow
For The highway instead
Watch your back if I should tell you
Love's the only thing I've ever known
One thing for sure pretty baby I always take the long way home

You know I love you baby
More than the whole wide world
I'm your woman
You know you are my pearl
Let's go out past the party lights
We can finally be alone
Come with me and we can take the long way home
Come with me, together we can take the long way home
Come with me, together we can take the long way home

Memory Dump..

But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
~ Dido, White Flag

I actually go out of my way a lot recently not to express frustration and disappointment.. Actually not necessarily so.. I am just forcing myself to be out of my comfort zone, almost all the time.. which is, as I discovered 2-3 weeks ago, in line with our corporate strategy for the year 0809: "Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable"

I now do like a friend used to tell me I should do, I just "smile, wave, and nod". Trying to act like the perfect Miss Congeniality, when all I want to do is to cuss and curse and beat the hell out of people, to "inflict physical pain" on certain people as I always say.. Someone used to say I am too well-bred to react to people, and I didnt agree, but now I am acting it..

On the other hand, in areas when I used to be decent and polite, I am pushy.. especially at work.. I give my best smile, but still I learned to take the alternative route, to get the support of someone influential on my side to push for what I want.. am not there yet, but on my way.. (mashallah i like it when i praise myself LOL)

I am learning to go back to taking myself, and everything around me lightly.. I even give people the SMILEY now!!!! (and if you know me well, you will know how it feels for me to give the smiley vs. the grin) ah and I even initiate closing the conversation now, since it is too frustrating when someone else shuts me off or ignores to reply, or -worse yet- give me the "OK" reply when I say something such as "I waited for you to send me the stuff".. So I now give close-ended messages that dont require a reply, ending with "yalla
have a great day, need to go bye" said all in one breath so they sound like "yallahaveagreatday,needtogobye" LOL


A person is starting to piss me off to no ends, EXTREMELY demanding.. I am really tired.. And you know what the problem is? I have been compromising for way too long.. And having the time to distance myself from her and think about it, I realized that all I got from her, was bad vibes and gossip that I shouldnt have known and that REALLY gave me a hard time.. Which is making me revisit the whole idea and question the motives behind that.. I understand more than I show, and I finally confronted with what I understood, and the person acknowledged.. I dont like manipulative people.. It just feels too mean, too unethical, and too unfair.. Trying to hide your own problems (or hide FROM them) by exploiting other people's problems is not a solution.. just stop the pretense and stop rubbing people's noses in their trouble.. no one enjoys a guilt trip.. So YES I initiated it and YES i want to stay away.. I am tired of putting an act for someone who didnt care to put up one for me..

I obsess about the little stuff.. I am all about the little stuff.. Does that make me shallow or insecure? Does that mean I dont relate to or understand the big stuff? No.. It is just part of my coping mechanism..

w eih kaman, ah, special note to Pinky:
I discovered that when you click on a certain label in blogger it wont necessarily bring ALL posts related to this label, it will bring according to page capacity.. The only way i know to bring all posts will be when I choose the label from my own account in the dashboard.. so i dont know how readers can do it.. if this is too technical for you, ask Brain to translate.. was really cool running into you and the sisters.. too bad we dont meet except every three years :D (bad for us, good from humanity)

I am now in Cilantro 26 July.. net wasnt working at work and the support model REALLY pissed me off so i left to work from out.. When i walked up, there were 2 ppl, an African American, she was sitting on one side of the couch, and a young Egyptian guy, still in uni. sitting across the room on the other side of the room... Interesting conversation took place and i couldnt help but overhear (i wasnt barmi wedn, i had to listen :))

From parts of the conversation:
the american woman, practiced law for 15 yrs.. now she travels around.. teaches business english and communication.. the guy asks her after all ur travels, whats the toughest culture you've been in, she says Egypt.. it's the different culture: letters look different, everbody looks the same.. at least in france i know the letters even if i dont know what they mean.. I liked her mentality.. She talked about taxis.. "It's ok to tell me he will charge me 20 pounds for a certain distance, it is his business after all, but whats NOT ok is to tell me he is charging me this amount because I am American and i have money".. She talks about gender issues "in your culture, most educated people, men particulary, they say they treat women equally.. but truth is, they dont.. when it comes down to it, they dont ask her her opinion.." She talks about relations, "they tell me why dont you be muslim.. get married.. you need a man".. She talks about teaching English.. "no one would really care if you use the correct grammar rules.. Americans dont know good grammar, they dont know what subjonctive is and they dont care.. Neither will your customers.. They will care about how well you present yourself to them, not if you use the right rules.. Your employer will want to see how you conduct yourself in an important presentation.."


My Secret: ...

Hole in the World

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

Time

there is this phrase that keeps playing in my head... it starts with something like only time will tell (or it needs time or sthg similar), and then the phrase I couldnt get out of my head "the problem with time is that it takes time"... Then it hit me that I think/feel I read it in Z's blog.. so i went there and searched for "it takes time".. I actually came across several interesting posts, and then the one I wanted.. I quote the part she quoted below.. Thank you ZaoZao..


"With everything that had happened, it would simply have been too soon. Elizabeth was correct: you do need time. The annoying thing about time is that it takes time . . . but no amount of it is too long to wait through when you're waiting to be sure. However much we might believe, and wish, it were true, you can't really be sure of what you feel however intensely and seriously and constantly you examine your thoughts and emotions. You can be really sure only by forcing yourself to wait: time alone can tell you what will last."

~ From "Love and Other Near Death Experiences"


P.S. after posting I realized I -unconsciously- even used the same title Z used! :)

The Notebook

I have a leatherbound notebook.. It was supposed to have lists of places I want to go, and things I want to do..


... one page is full, the rest are blank.. and I haven't ticked off any item.



...yet

Can I say something?

PostSecret
It has become a ritual: each Sunday, I check PostSecret, I save the postcard secrets that touch me (even if i dont relate to them), then I share one postcard and one secret of mine (or any personal fact) on my blog.. the one above is from a previous week's collection.. I like the fact that everyone interprets it in their own way, and you imagine whether it's a male or female who wrote it and how old.. It's more interesting (and less "gossip-y") than wondering about the lives and secrets of ppl you actually know.. and it's fun to sometimes relate these secrets to ppl you know... in this case I dont see the goodbye as in breakup, but maybe more like an irreversible goodbye.. a death maybe, or a permanent travel.. anyway..


Feist - Let it die
One of the best songs I've heard lately.. actually *the* best song I heard lately.. amazing lyrics, music, voice.. and very *very* descriptive..

"The saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending so much as the start"

Check it out @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob1CdTLDj10


The Formula
Once upon a time, a long time ago, from many many years, my friend asked me if I knew the magic formula for forgetting or getting over someone.. We thought of it a little, then a lot, and we kept brainstorming with factors and formulas that can affect how effectively you can get over it.. but I dont think we managed to get something.. some people can do it with math and numbers, others can't.. As I was telling another friend today in another context, logic and reason would tell you dont do this, but logic and reason have nothing to do with it :)


Life for Rent
Whenever I try to pursue my dreams and go after what I want with no distractions, something just pops out of nowhere to halt my plans.. my resolution: baby steps, baby steps :) I am resorting to my cocoon, which is a good thing.. And I am going back to doing what I really loved doing.. Someone recently told me "think of what you used to do on your own and enjoy doing, and just go ahead and do it.. you dont need company to enjoy your own company"..


Intuition
I simply know it sometimes.. You never believed I do but I do.. Funny thing is, in many of the cases I really wasnt fishing for any information.. it just lands in my lap, or hits me in the face, or whatever.. I just happen to be around when it happens..

- See? I told you I'm "telepathetic" ;)



... and my secret
Sometimes I preferred to appear as the paranoid crazy b*, than let out the source of my information or appear as a victim..

Another Lonely Day

(dont go making assumptions.. i just discovered this song and i love it.. it means nothing more)

Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Jennies & Forrests

Prologue
The following is part of what a friend of mine wrote yesterday.. For once, I didnt feel the urge to fix or edit grammar and/or spelling. Thank you MROTHM for that. Readers, enjoy.

Jenny
Forrest Gump: Will you marry me?
[Jenny turns and looks at him]
Forrest Gump: I'd make a good husband, Jenny.
Jenny Curran: You would, Forrest.
Forrest Gump: ...But you won't marry me.
Jenny Curran: [sadly] ... You don't wanna marry me.
Forrest Gump: Why don't you love me, Jenny?
[Jenny says nothing]
Forrest Gump: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is.

Very touching, isn't it?
Every one of us has his own Jenny, be it man or a woman it doesn't matter, it’s applicable to all.

Our Jennies represent our cordial love needs; they’re all we ever wanted and we will keep comparing each and every single one we meet along the way until we’re sick and tired and ready to settle for a compromise (or maybe not ready, just too tired to look any harder) .
That is – of course – if you’re not lucky enough to be with your Jenny in the first place, a case – I must say – that rarely happens.

(I’ll use “her” when I refer to Jenny from now on as you must understand by now she can be a he.)

So what exactly is the definition of someone’s Jenny?
Well, Jenny is simply the one that is sitting in the back of your head. Invisible to all but you; yet you might not recognize her when you see her, or you might. She represents all your desires, all that you ever wanted, might resemble a long lost childhood lover that you might’ve lost or never had in the first place. You know her very well, she lives in the same world you go to when you’re spat out of the world you live in. She’s imaginary but she’s beautiful. She’s imaginary but you love her. She’s imaginary and you wish you could dream her into your real world, the same world that spat you out.
Well, too bad you can’t do that.

Jennies are like mermaids; everyone knows how they look like although no one has really seen one but the legend is too strong to ignore. Too strong that one might look for decades until he finds himself one or die trying. And you know what; I think those who find themselves a mermaid must be the source of the legend.

So you see shiny happy people sometimes and you think “did they find their Jennies? They must’ve” and then you construct a whole world on that stupid conclusion.

You live, walk, eat, drive, work, sleep believing that you might find her someday, well, good for you. It’s very nice to believe in something and hang on to it. But let me ask you a little question what happens if you someday ran into your long sought-for Jenny and she’s with someone else? Or worse, you’re not her Jenny?

You think I’m being a heartless bastard? Well, I’m sorry but it happens all the time.

So what happens? You either convince yourself she’s not you’re Jenny or you can start the why whirlpool… Why am I rejected? Why am I able to give and she’s not? And you find yourself listening to things you shouldn’t be listening to; things that are bad for your already bruised mental health; things like Radiohead’s Creep and Kean’s Hamburg Song. And you start getting melancholic ideas of the “if only” type. If only I looked different, felt different, thought different, had a different sense of humor, maybe a little more sophisticated, a little more gifted…well guess what, whish granted, you’re a totally different person now and she’s not you’re Jenny anymore, silly. She’s belongs to the skin you’ve left behind.

It’s a big problem, isn’t it? So what’s the point? The point is we all have our Jennies, we all cherish them, love them and would bleed ourselves dry for them.

Who are those Jennies? The truth is – like a friend of mine has encrypted it on my desk - : “they are nothing but a distorted reflection of a normal person on a blind old mirror”

So indulge in the idea sometime but eventually you have to – please – stop crying your heart out.


Epilogue
Thank you again dear writer for being such a dear friend.. I hope your muse turns from statue to human. And I only wish I were my Jenny's Jenny..

47 - II

Screaming at the top of my lungs, but no sound coming out.. in a soundproof invisible bubble..

All apologies

What else should I be
All apologies

What else could I write
I don't have the right

What else should I be
All Apologies

I wish I was like you
Easily amused

Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault

I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezer burn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

All in all is all we are


note to Duke and Mayo: and then he goes "maaaaaary, maaaaaaary" ;)

tongue tied

I wish I had enough words.

someone else's secret

Amazing what people can say when no one but the universe is listening..

Buh..

First things first.. I lost my work notebook.. if you have seen me work before then you know what this notebook means to me: EVERYTTHING.. I'd rather lose my... well i dont like losing stuff so i cant think of anything i'd rather lose.. but still.. I am usually "glued" to my stuff, so its weird that i lost it, and the only option i can think of is leaving it in a meeting room after my training so i shouldnt have lost it really..

so what does this notebook have? well, simply 6 months of REALLY mapping everything i know and find out to this place.. 6 months of questions, answers, notes, to do's, ideas, discoveries, and business processes.. I am trying my best so as not to come to terms with the loss, because the magnitude is HUUUUUUGE.. am trying to pretend or convince myself I have it all in my head (yeah right!), in email (try to sort thru 200 Megs of info), or that it's already been worked through and now is the time to start over new tasks from scratch... the thing is, since i cant find it, I am feeling VERY discouraged to work.. I have some important deadline next week, and between losing my notebook, getting stuck in a 3-day trng a week ago, and being in the dept and corporate offsite this last week, i didnt get ANY work done for almost 2 weeks!!! funny thing is, I still hope to find it :) Me and my meaningless optimism and happy endings..

Speaking of which, I was recently telling a friend the story of Voltaire's Candide.. "all is for the best in this best of all possible worlds".. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candide)

It's pathetic really, and funny, and cute (at least to me), how this stupid optimism rules the life of someone who can sometimes be very dark and even -if i may- insecure.. the combination of optimism, insecurity, darkness, and even sometimes nakad, is really lethal..

more about last 2 weeks later..

hmmmmm..... I want to run away from it all..

Seeing Me

So, there goes.. I made a discovery: I am both much worse and much better than I thought I was.. I always thought I was better and worse than what YOU think but to discover am much worse that what I think was what i like to call an eye-opener...

I stayed overnight thinking it all over, the trials and turbulations (?) of it all...

el moshkela, eno what am worse at is much more impactful (if there is such a word) than what am good at... I am very deceived..

Sunday Secret: the secret I related to the most was there this week.. And I can't find it in my heart or mind to share it openly..

At last: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

p.s. Yes, every postcard I share here has some implication...

Yo-Yo

... So the master said, "men are rubber bands, women are like waves"

In men, it is the process of getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. In the woman, it is that at the peak of the wave, she is feeling really good, but suddenly her mood may change and her wave will come crashing down. This crash is temporary. After she hits bottom, her mood will shift again and she will again feel good about herself. Her wave rises up again and the cycle continues. This is what what the know-it-all, relationship expert, John Gray said..

Enough jibber-jabber.. so bravo, men and women are different.. the enlightenment of a century :)

I dont feel like talking.. or writing or what have you.. I am sleepy and tired and bored and have to finish 2 weeks of work in 2 days (well they became one day now), just because am a poor planner and didnt have the foresight to plan for it over the last 2 weeks..


Sunday Secret (just because): Sometimes when I am with you, when you're not looking, or when I think of you, I keep mouthing "Thank you" and "elhamdulelah"..



p.s. the "you"s I address throughout my posts are not always to the same person.. Sometimes it's even a person who won't read it.. If "you" think it's addressed at YOU, then maybe it is..

Hyperventilating

it's very very easy to suffocate me.. to make me feel trapped, consumed.. I suddenly feel shackled, not by people, but by life.. by circumstances..


I feel stuck.

Serenity

I spend a lot of time worrying about the happy ending that I forget to enjoy the happy middle.. Once the ending was predetermined, and even though it was not "happy", I learned to enjoy the middle.. Regardless of the ending, anything is better. "Starting from nothing, you got nothing to lose."

No need to worry about happy endings no more.. I am content.

p.s. it's not that I dont want it, it is that I dont pursue it.. Let time fight the fight

Cliff

Always on the edge.. never falling off, never backing off.. hanging by a thin (yet strong) thread..

Any movement, any touch will make me fall, but I am kept on edge all the time.. provoked..

And the problem is: I enjoy it!

Key Learnings :D

• I am a slow learner
• I eventually know ALL the answers, just when it's a little too late
• I am starting to go back to my old self, something I've been missing
• I didnt become secretive, I am only learning (from Jeremy Clarkson thanks to Duke) what to share and what to keep
• Unlearn, learn, relearn :)
• It is only when I stopped expecting that I started receiving..
• For the first time, I realized that being me wouldve saved me. Instead I was trying to be someone else, someone whom I "thought" would be better/more cunning/more practical/wiser than me.. I was wrong..
• Contrary to common sense, I am happy!

"If I tell you something weird... will you think I'm crazy?" ~ Helena in "Mirrormask" movie

Benefit of Doubt or Doubting the Benefit

Doubting the Benefit
I love giving people the benefit of doubt.. not ALL people, but people who mean something to me. Having said that, I must admit that this benefit of doubt thing doesnt come for free. It comes with me needing the other to acknowledge me giving them this benefit.. not to rub it in your face for sure.. but i just need you to know that I know this and I know that, and I choose the better option.. once this is done, khalass.. i dont bring it up again..

Now, thinking that you will give me a taste of my own medicine, here is what you do.. I tell you something that you totally dont buy, so you go and tell me "I dont believe you, but i will give you the benefit of doubt" !! Just the fact that you told me "i dont believe you" eliminates any doubt of the benefit of doubt thing... walla eih??

You seriously dont believe I do that.. however, you should know that for everything 10 things i doubt, there are a 100 i block.. Yes, I _am_ a hard headed crazy psychotic woman! (and yes i know you only agree with the crazy psychotic part!).. mashi ya 3am ;)


The Storyteller
"So do you like children?" the 12-yr old girl asks me.. "No, I just love books." I replied with a grin.. This was in my storytelling event on Friday.. I enjoyed it more than they did, and I realized I really have a thing for Dr. Seuss!! but given our culture, then i either need to look for another equity, or just think of a different audience..


The Extra Helpful Waiter
Scene I: I walk in, I am on the phone, I stand in front of the display picking something to eat.. The waiter comes by and keeps mouthing "asa3dek f 7aga?" silently so as not to disrupt my call.. I totally miss what he's trying to say and in the end I hang up to see what he has to tell me!!

Scene II: I am engulfed in my little universe.. earphones on, music very loud, just to block everything around me.. The waiter passes by.. stands in front of me.. I pretend not to notice but he persists.. he keeps gesturing at me until i finally look up.. he asks me if the order is ok :D I fight the temptation to reply, "well, it was ok until you asked!" and instead i give a polite smile and yes it's perfect, and that is that..


My Secret
Sometimes I pretend to be picky and demanding because I want to reject before being rejected..


Epilogue
The Question: "Will that make you change your idea about me?"..
The Answer: "No dear, it will make me confirm my idea about you."

How Perceptive..

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

~ "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65

Following my Fish

Am trying to float.. its not always easy but am learning..

Just let it pass you by, every single time.. "eventually" someone will catch the drift and make it all right again..

I'm exercising my willpower a LOT lately!

Silent all These Years

I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling


~Tori Amos

Sans Souci - II

so what if I still do?

Sans Souci

you know whats cool about the above card: I was told almost the same thing yesterday.. about not being judgemental, about being kind(er).. el moshkela eno "ya 7aram" I always thought I was tolerant and non-judgemental.. I still think I am, but i just express my thoughts more openly than you..


just this morning, i called H because I remembered something hilarious that happened when we used to work together.. She wrote this document that we circulated among each other for review.. for some reason, we really critiqued the document harshly and almost turned it all upside down.. so when she comes to open it, i am trying to break it down for her and prepare her for it so i go like "listen.. dont be discouraged or alarmed by the fact that all the document will appear to be red in tracked changes and full of comments.. no no, only 2 comments were negative but the rest of them were "7elwa AWI AWI AWI".. she looks at me blankly for 10 seconds then goes like "and she said that? She said "merci ya H el document di 7elwa awi awi awi?" and we burst laughing for 10 mins.. there goes N when she tries to bluff, I tend to go overboard sometimes lol..


Two words that mean the world to me, "I understand".. Even if I thought you didnt, I give you -what was the phrase?- benefit of doubt ;)


Sunday Secret: 2 weeks ago, she put everything in perspective.. she gave me my Total Perspective Vortex. I can never be thankful enough.. Thank you for sharing, for knowing, for carrying all this weight.. Only you and I know what it's like.. and in switching our approaches, we both have found liberation..

On my own..

Thank you for reminding me of the good times I can have on my own.. and thank you for reminding me of things I enjoy not on my own.. my little pleasures :)

It's good to know, and it's good to share... the illusion of companionship.. :)

All I want is someone to believe..

When I'm deep inside of me
don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothing while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one I depend upon



p.s. I understand now what it meant. I am slow not stupid :)

I am..

Let the records show that I am thankful..

knowing my vital statistics inside and out :D (with an error margin of 10-15%)

Cracking the Shells of Crème Brulee’

So, when did I stop enjoying life's simple pleasures? I used to be like that.. yesterday I had a very nice crème brulee (borleih!!) and as soon as I got it, I cracked the shell with the spoon, just like Amelie likes doing (I like it when it's a hard shell not just a sprinkle of sugar). I commented on that, and my friend said she doesn't want to hear about her anymore :D (probably she hears about her a lot from A, because I never talked abt her before!)
Anyway.. it has been a week of secrets.. sharing.. giving and receiving secrets.. an eye-opening self-baring feeling..

One last note:
I cannot help it.. I plan and mastermind and plot and decide, and then it all crumbles down to pieces, and I am left there: just me.. plain and simple me.. well, maybe not so simple, but ME. Not because I cannot, but because I do not want to. And not because they "seem to have this effect on people"! Being myself with you is the most liberating experience..

My secret: "I am learning all about my life by looking through [your] eyes" ~Dream Theater

Thelma and Louise

.... this movie totally blows me off my mind! something about it just attracts me..

the start, the escape, the road trip, and the great great great ending..

Today I get this feeling and I express it, she felt it too.. Let's leave it all behind!

in a '66 Ford Thunderbird convertible..

whatever!

I decided to share a meaningless Sunday secret of mine each week.. it's a Tuesday but who cares..

anyway, I am annoyed.. i am not sad, nor upset, nor angry, nor resentful.. i am good and relaxed and happy.. begad!

but still.. it bugs me and nags me at the back of my head.. like a throbbing headache..

it annoys me that you dont know and dont understand and dont try to.. and it annoys me more that i might have gotten you wrong and you know and understand and everything..

My secret on a postcard: "I dont know the real reason behind this"

Should I?

"I wouldnt do it if I were you".. but you're not me.. and I am not you.. never will be, and not sure I want to be.. not in this aspect at least.. So, the solution? doing my stupid mistakes is better than faking someone else's smart actions..

"till it stops being painful".. it wont.


I will call..

Sunday Secrets..

"El chai tamam ya fandem?" He asks.. yes wallahi el chai tamam.. you managed to put a tea bag and pour hot water on it very very professionally! bravo! how can el chai not be tamam?? why do we hang on to such empty talk.. why cant people learn the rule of adapting their reactions.. "one rule for all".. ask them if they're order is up to the standard.. a guy once was about to ask me whether I liked the bottled water i ordered!

Am working "from home" today, where home is a Zamalek Cilantro..

I am getting addicted to PostSecret and i hate that its only updated once weekly.. there is a certain rush about reading other ppl's secrets.. secrets they've probably never confessed before, secrets that i sometimes relate to.. it also lets me think about my own secrets if i were to share them.. some are stupid and not so serious, the rest.. well, mostly they are about feelings not actions.. which is ok.. walla eih?

recently.. when i run into ppl outside my circle of work, many comment on my lack of reaction/interaction.. apparently i spend too much energy at work and with my own self, that i have very little left for others.. which is cool actually... as long as am not too drained to have a good time, which i am not -so far-..


You probably wont be reading but...
I heard you lying openly to me.. well, it was something small, really small, and you werent like looking me in the eye or anything because we were on the phone.. but still.. it felt weirdly uncomfortable.. and knowing me, I wouldve blurted out that I knew what you said to the other.. annoying.. coming from you it was even more so! but I've done worse.. and if I were to be forgiven, I need to learn to forgive.. which -knowing me- is actually very easy! I've grown out of the emotional blackmail blabla..


khalass thats it.. more later, bye.

100,000 Fireflies..

I have a mandolin
I play it all night long
It makes me want to kill myself
I also have a dobro
Made in some mountain range
Sounds like a mountain range in love
But when I turn up the tone
On my electric guitar

I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me
I went out to the forest and caught
A hundred thousand fireflies
As they ricochet round the room
They remind me of your starry eyes
Someone else's might not have made me so sad
But this is the worst night I ever had
'cause I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me

You won't be happy with me,
But give me one more chance
You won't be happy anyway

Why do we still live here
In this repulsive town?
All our friends are in New York

Why do we keep shrieking,
when we mean soft things?
We should be whispering all the time...

The Empire in my Mind..

Positive Discharge
This whole positive attitude thing might wear off sooner or later.. and then what? I will be the real me? and the problem with that is what exactly? We claim "we" are sick of playing games.. We agree on honesty and integrity and -most importantly- transparency.. Yes I know I have what I call "emotional dump" sometimes.. I throw all what I feel and what I know and what I like and what I want, I throw it all your way.. Yes it's a lot, but I assumed ("ah! assumed" you would say.. "you know what assume makes, dont you?").. Anyway.. I expect that you'd at least communicate dissatisfaction with the emotional dump, no? It doesnt really matter now, because khalass its Little Miss Sunshine and only her that you'll find..


What Would N Do
So I have been challenging myself to go out of my comfort zone a LOT (at least in my standards!).. and based on recent findings and a series of unfortunate events, I devised a new approach in the last couple of weeks: in any "questionable" situation, I ask myself, "What would N do?" and then I go ahead and NOT do it.. Yes, I just force myself to do something else instead! So far, it's been working for me.. I am internalizing a lot.. I am adopting a positive attitude.. I am trying to be light.. to just "float" instead of being this enormous mass of intensity... N would've sent a fireback message? I wont.. N would be upset? I'd be cool about it then.. N would pursue? I would let go.. N would let go? I would pursue.. N wouldnt play games? Well, I still wouldnt play games either.. Thats the one thing I cant give up on.. I am REAL.. thats the _one_ thing I got.. and without it, I am really nothing..


The 10th Season
You know whats funny? How we know about happy endings.. there is no clear line that tells you "this is an ending.. assess status here".. I mean we just assume it's a happy ending, or because this couple gets married, or because the guy finds a job or because whatever.. we dont pursue it further to see what happens next; do they live in marriage hell? Does he get fired? we never know.. We just assume that if the show's tenth season ends beautifully, then it's a happy ending... Well, in life there is no such thing, because even though i was missing my tenth season, i had my own ending written in my head for it.. giving me the missing CD would only confirm my doubt: no such thing in life as a happy or a sad ending except in our heads.. it goes on..


The Elevator People
I've been thinking about that.. those little cameras in the elevator.. these people who see me every single day, all through my trips.. they watch everything.. they watch how i squeeze myself in the elevator left corner and stand tip-toed when the elevator is full (always left corner, always tip-toe!).. they watch how I dont like (avoid?) looking at the mirror and fixing myself up like almost all other girls.. They watch how we enter apart, and exit together (meet me @ elevators in 2 mins.. i hate passing by people's desks to pick them up for a coffee break).. I used to joke about it.. I used to say that the elevator people see everything and know everything.. They will be the first to know, I used to say.. I used to wonder how much they've seen... they will know if you're lying or cheating, they will be the first to know.. They will notice how you stand silently together in front of people and resume talking when they get out.. and they will see how you will later talk in front of people and drop silent when they leave.. They will see the bare highs and lows.. stripped down from pretense and acts...

You will want to hide it from everyone
.... but the elevator people know.


The Note
And I opened my notebook, and I saw the note that I'd forgotten, and my mind went -blank-. Just completely blank.. and my heart missed a beat or two.. I didnt count because I couldnt, for a split second the time stopped.. It was simply sad.. It was so raw, so pure, so true.. and i still believe it.


Nothing Else Matters
(for two days I've been hearing this song over and over again.. must've heart the following part alone like 30 times in the past couple of days!)
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know


Amélie
I just watched "Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain" again.. not all of it but like its second half (was aired on TV).. this movie is simply beautiful..

"Quand le doigt montre le ciel, l'imbécile regarde le doigt."

"Vous n'avez pas des os en verre, vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette."

Going nowhere fast..

"You know what the problem is?" And this is how I start my talk.. "you know what really bugs me?" or "you know whats the worst thing?".... And then I am told "No, I actually dont know whats the worst thing, because you always refer to something that way.. you always start your talk by this, so I dont know whats the worst thing"... But then again, in my defense, I also start my talk asking you if you know whats the best thing, or if you know what makes me happy, and it turns out to be something you say or do! So they balance out, cancel each other, dont they?

I freaked out when I first heard the song.. I said "going 'somewhere'? why? who put this idea and why? was it something I said or did? Am I sending the wrong signals?"

I freaked out but I believed, and because I believed I trusted.. And I tried.. Thinking back I cant remember how or how much, but I feel I did..

Change of topic... She used to tell me I dont know what I want, but I know what I *don't* want.. you take everything, you chip out what you dont want, and you're left with many ideas for what you want, but you're still lost.. "But you're mistaken", I reply, "I know what I want but I just don't like sharing it!" Why? Do you fear people will mock it when they know it? No, but I just dont like sharing it because I dont like people measuring me against it..

I am my own harshest judge, I really dont cut myself any slack.. Even if I sometimes pretend otherwise. Even if I pretend to victimize myself. Even if I pretend to go really soft on me.. I dont.. I judge myself really really harshly, and on all fronts... So I dont want to add to this any more judgement from anyone.. She tells me I set my bar too low.. She says I am scared of letting people know what I'm capable of, and so I promise them (and myself) nothing.. But sometimes I get weak and I overpromise, then instantly regret it.. I try to set a low bar, so that I always pass it.. That's what she says, and thats what I dont agree with.. walla eih?

Am I as harsh on others as I am on myself? Harsher? More lenient? I really dont know.. I feel I demand too much of myself and of others, but I am more open to expressing what I demand of others.. hence, it's too much, or i am too demanding..

Sometimes I wonder about alternative states of (un)consciousness.. how would it feel? will it hurt? will it give me more clarity? Can I then see and hear what people really think? She will say that I am too obsessed with what people think, with what SHE thinks.. I deny it sometimes, and admit it others...

Sometimes I wonder about losing my memory (selectively?) and starting a new page.. "They" will know, but I won't.. and sometimes ignorance is really a bliss..


Maybe I _am_ a zebra dreaming of his blue mountain.. and i wonder if I will ever get there... right now, it doesnt seem possible anymore.. I cant find my tracks anymore..

47...

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky


It's funny.. if "funny" can be the correct word to mean a mixture of weird annoying silly sweet confusing nice right and wrong.. I was in Beirut for a day (again!) and i realized, i love this city.. people are really polite, nice, and respectful.. i wouldnt mind at all staying there for longer next time.. They are not the loud, negative, annoying, condenscending people we deal with here.. Everything is clean and nice.. and the fooooood.. the food :) if i lived here, i would never think of eating junk ever again.. its not only about the lebanese food (which i love!).. they have a lot of sushi joints, italian, international, etc.. the service is great.. the food is prepared with love.. yes i am a little over-reacting but you need a background (which i wont give)..

for one week before i travel, i have been living on coffee and painkillers alone with minimal food intake.. i arrived there @ 7 pm, was supposed to shower and go out, but instead i showered, sat in bed, ordered room service and watched Showtime Comedy.. soooo unlike my travelling behavior, but i needed my chillout time..

* 47 butterflies in my stomach.. 47 backup plans that dont work.. 47 faults to blame myself for.. or 47 steps of fortune? :)

*The three letters: MCV.. and my question always "and this one too was yours?" :)

...and I discovered that the answer to life, the universe, and everything is not forty-two like i used to think, but 47.. (i know.. it doesnt even make sense)

3adi ba2a.. I decided to build a shell, and be the cocoon..


What am reading these days:
I finally got over my reader's block with "Please Mr. Einestein"... a very very interesting read.. and i dont even like physics to start with.. but all this talk about relativity its really getting to my head.. i should be starting (and finishing) The Kite Runner soon for a book discussion.. but i dont know how that will go...


On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serait-ce possible alors ?

On me dit que l'destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Paraît que le bonheur est à portée de main
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Check it out @ http://youtube.com/watch?v=GsUlSvtziXU

... and then she said

"At that moment I know I am half woman, half child. That a portion of me conceals a child who loves to be amazed, to be taught, to be directed. When I listen, I am a child, and [he] becomes paternal."

and then after I wrote it, I remembered it was quoted before me!


and then more thoughts:

"I feel wind blown. I look younger. I do not try to be the femme fatale. It is useless. I feel loved for myself, for my inner self, for every word I write, for my timidities, my sorrows, my struggles, my defects, my frailness."


I love her short sentences. Her simple words. Her lack of pretention.. I love her intensity, and it scares me at the same time.. It scares me how she handles this intensity.. yet she is not to be called promiscuous. But she is, isnt she? Her intensity also carries immaturity.. emotional immaturity.. inability to cut the cord.. insecurity.. needs to be reminded of how much she is loved and how much she loves..

77 years ago!

Some Flowers Bloom Dead

Weirdly enough, the song i quote a part of below cheers me up :) Very nice lyrics and music... "Now when I think of me, I think of somebody else instead".. Thanks Duke for Wallflowers :)


The way you make me feel
I could collapse
An epidemic I cannot outlast
How could you feel used
when I feel trapped?
ooooh as if it wasn't hard enough

And just as my conscience
starts to clear
I drag the river and you're still there
The way I bring you down
could not compare
ooooh as if it wasn't hard enough
You want to make it so much harder

Now in another world
I could learn to forget
But 'til then I'm here
making room for new regrets
Now some flowers they never bloom
But some flowers just bloom dead
Now some flowers they never bloom
And some flowers just bloom dead

The way I sleep
this bed just can't be made
I pull the covers up around my head
Now when I think of me
I think of somebody else instead
As if it wasn't hard enough
You're gonna make it so much harder

Now in another world
I could learn to forget
But 'til then I'm here
making room for new regrets
Now some flowers they never bloom
And some flowers just bloom dead

The Elephants in the Room and other short stories

Elephants in the Room
"So are we going to keep on ignoring the elephant in the room?", and he looks at me and asks "Elephants? What elephants?".. Why and how are people so good at ignoring elephants? Please tell me before i explode.. They "skirt around the danger zone but dont talk about it later" as Suzanne Vega puts it.. I -on the other hand- get so infuriated with this attitude that it provokes in me the totally opposite reaction.. you're looking the other way? I'll get it and rub it in your face.. i like acknowledging stuff.. i only hate it in one case: when its used to gloat or too remind someone of a weakness.. anyway enough about elephants.. i cant be pushing them up the stairs into the room, just to have them ignored..


Alone or Lonely
I came up with this realization.. that i really dont mind my company at all.. in fact, some of the best times in my life were when i was lone, wishing i had someone with me to share the beauty.. and yet, when someone is there, you overlook all the beauty around you, focusing on tiny details and inner workings of each other..
And she said, "you can never break your loneliness with a partner. Never. You learn to enjoy yourself. Really. No other option.".. Again, she's nailed it down.. and in very simple words too..


Untitled
* I started reading Anais Nin's "Henry and June" about her 'affair' with Henry and June Miller. It seems to be a "heshek-beshek" book as i'd call it.. but beneath that is real intense emotions..

* In the core of us saying "I am not judgemental", lies the worst judgement of all: believing that we are actually in a position to judge them.

* it's hard to dissociate.. and i am particularly lousy at it!

* When i am mad at something -no matter how trivial or how irrational-, never EVER tell me "you shouldnt be mad @ that" or "it makes no sense to feel this way".. do not invalidate my feelings.. you dont need to agree with them, just please dont invalidate them..

* I wish I could lie to people while looking them in the eye..


Nostalgie of the Day

It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.

And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
And The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs
Are the borders of our lives.