Depersonalized..

Depersonalization (or depersonalisation) is an anomaly of the mechanism by which an individual has self-awareness. It is a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation. Sufferers feel they have changed, and the world has become less real, vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience, since many feel that, indeed, they are living in a "dream".
~ Wikipedia

my sister and I call it "the double bubble". The feeling that you are inside a bubble, watching everything around you in a dreamlike slo-mo fashion.

They say that in these situations it is best to be around familiar faces and places, sometimes this physical closeness is reassuring.

Reincarnation

Even now, years later, my heart skips a beat for the memory. I believe that parts of dead people's souls could recycle themselves in the living. But is it also true about living people?

Or do we notice the same patterns over and over again?

what's in a name..

لا أذكرُ .متى اكتشفتُ أن لي

اسماً موسيقياً، يليق التوقيعُ به

على قصائدَ موزونةٍ، ورفعُه في

وجه أصدقاء لهم أسماءٌ عموميةٌ

ولا يفهمون المعنى العميق لأن

تمنحك الصُدفةُ اسماً ملتبساً

يثيرُ الشبهاتَ حولك

ويقترح عليك أن تكونَ شخصاً آخرَ

كأن يسألك معارفُك الجددُ

- هل أنت مسيحيّ؟

أو

- هل لك أصولٌ لُبنانيّة؟

~ إيمان مرسال

الصالحون لصداقتي

مُروجو الشائعات

من أجل الرضا عن النفس

عاشقو البانجو وجلسات

الاعتراف

الموتورون ضد الدولة

منظروا الخيانات الزوجية

الباحثون في أسماء جدودهم

عن القاب يسهل حفظها

المصلحون من الداخل

الصرحاء كالقمامة

المتشائمون عن بعد

الطيبون لعدم وجود بديل

أشباهي

الصالحون لصداقتي

الذين تخلقهم من أجلي

وفيرون هذا العام

ياإلهي

ارفع عطاياك عني

ولا تخلف وعدك لي

بأعداء جدد

~ إيمان مرسال

The Ugly Face of Happy Endings: Is Capitalism Brainwashing the Masses?

This was actually the title of a paper I wrote in a film course in my last year in uni. I don't remember everything about it, but I remember that I was comparing the rise of capitalism in the US and the effect of that on the film industry, how it portrayed capitalism as the solution to everyman's troubles, and the road to achieve the All-American dream. And part of the argument was to illustrate that -just like communism and other similar schools of thoughts- Capitalism was still using the mass media to brainwash people, albeit in a more subtle, and less sharp, way.

This comes to mind now because there is something I do not fully comprehend about the current World order. During the last period, I've been repeatedly thinking (and saying) that it is indeed a strange world that has so much money and wasted resources and yet has people who die of hunger or cold or lack of clean water or what have you of these "natural" causes that could have easily been avoided. I cannot get my mind around that. And then we come to those mega big-ass multinationals, that are obliged (both by law and by their own self-imposed sense of made-up morality) to dedicate a percentage of their profits to what they refer to as "corporate social responsibility" (CSR), which ensures they sleep better at night, knowing they did their part in paying back the world.

Don't get me wrong, I truly respect the role these CSR efforts play in making the world a slightly less ugly place to live in, but I just question the true value Vs. the perceived value of these efforts. Thinking they pay back society by constructing a school in some rural area whereas in some other part of the world they can have a factory polluting the environment. Thinking we give back to society by our tiny random acts of kindness! yay for us, we use recycled paper! We did our part, and what happens next is not our responsibility.

Is it really that hard to be less apathetic about something that happens to other people? regardless of their race? Is it that hard to be outside ourselves and get a bird's eye? How can we all sleep at night knowing we are part in some major crime against humanity? With all the modern signs of globalization, and with the world becoming a little village, and everything being a few clicks away, is it really that easy to share information but that difficult to share feelings? Are we becoming supportive only on paper/media? "Share this to save another child from hunger", "For every email you send, XYZ will donate a dollar for medical care in this poor underprivileged country", "Finish your food because some people cannot find this food you're wasting."

And still, as I write, in another part of the world, another person dies of hunger or for lack of the most basic health care.

Yay for humanity.

ordinary corrupt human love

"I’m not at peace anymore. I just want him like I used to in the old days. I want to be eating sandwiches with him. I want to be drinking with him in a bar. I’m tired and I don’t want anymore pain. I want Maurice. I want ordinary corrupt human love. Dear God, you know I want to want Your pain, but I don’t want it now. Take it away for a while and give it me another time." - Sarah

~ Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

Proof of Love

we search for little proofs that the other(s) loved us. Small pieces of evidence that they cared when they said they did, and sometimes pieces of evidence that they still do. Anything that the other does or says can be interpreted to mean what we please: If they call, it is because they still miss us, if they don't it is because getting over us is too hard and they cannot do it right if they are still in touch. It is hard on our self-esteem, pride, and maybe heart, to believe that they are gone for good, and that maybe -just maybe- they never were there to start with.

I remember this when I think of things one told me to feel less alone (we share secrets to feel "less alone", that's what I believe). Maybe it was not really a secret, maybe it was a dear little piece of information. Regardless, you shared, you trusted, you loved.

The fact that the others come back to question this love (or we do) does not mean it wasn't there in the first place. So yes, if I can find my little pieces of evidence to proof you/I did, then maybe you/I did. But what good would it be to know now?

Sunday Secrets

and it suddenly hit me that for several several weeks I have not remembered my weekly ritual of checking postsecret.

يمكن لو

يمكن لو في بيني وبينك حكي.. كنا حكينا
يمكن لو في بيني وبينك دمع.. كنا بكينا
لو كان في طريق تودي شوي شوي كنا مشينا
أو كان في شي درب يوصل بيني وبينك كنا لقينا
يمكن لو في بيني وبينك قصص .. كنا قرينا
يمكن لو في بيني وبينك صلاة .. كنا دعينا
يمكن لو في بيني وبينك حلم.. كنا غفينا
يمكن لو في بيني وبينك سِلِم.. كنا نسينا
يمكن في نغمة وحدة بيني وبينك عم بتعيد
يمكن في ناس كتيرة بيني وبينك مابتفيد
يمكن في قمر أو في شجر أو شي جسر حديد
يمكن في سهل أو في جبل أو في شي وادي بعيد

يمكن في طريق جديدة بيني وبينك نحنا مش شايفينا

لما إنت ناوي

لما انت ناوي تغيب على طول مش كنت آخر مره تقول
بالليل اسيب نفسي لهمي ولأفكاري افضل افكر فيك وانت ما انت داري

Blasphemy

"When you can do good and you just don't, this is blasphemy." ~ The Companion.

It's in the zaatar, honey!

Every time I take the first bite of zaatar w zeit (whether as mana'eesh or as a dip with bread), it takes me back years and years in the past, to the time I was in my first school years.. It might not be a comfort food, but it is definitely a security food...

The title of this post came from a friend/relative who gave this answer to me more than 10 years ago when I wondered why Palestinians are usually better performers academically (all Palestinian/Lebanese mothers feed their children zaatar sandwiches before exams because it is rumored to improve memory). So maybe it really improves memory or maybe it doesn't, but it definitely triggers memories.

maskeen

مسكين وحالي عدم من كتر هجرانك
ياللي تركت الوطن و الاهل على شانك
قول لي على ورد خدك
و قول لي على حالك
اسمح وطمن فؤادي يا ضياء عيني
وجود بقربك وخليني على بالك


I have always had a love hate relationship with this song for as long as I can remember. I hate the victimization tone, turns me off, but maybe it is Abdelwahab's performance that makes it less weak/pleading than it sounds.

في الشارع

اللي على الناس بيجرى

غاير من اللي هواك قبلي ولو كنت جاهله
يا هل ترى نال رضاك وصادف الحب أهله
مين ده اللي متع عينيه وقلبه بالحب قبلي
ومال فؤادك إليه وصان لك الود مثلي

إن قلت مات اللي فات والقلب عاش من جديد
أقول وفين الثبات وفين صيانة العهود
نسيت غيري وبكره تنسى وأشوف الأسيه
واللي على الناس بيجرى لا بد يجرى علي

أحمد رامي و محمد عبد الوهاب

my phone..

so the thing pissing me the most about my phone with a death screen is not the lost sms history (since there was none, except for a couple of messages that are better lost than kept), is not the last 1.5 yrs contacts, is not the lost BBM list, but it is the fact that I had a comprehensive list of all the books I need/plan to buy...

This, I could not get back.

Blukh.

Défoulement

انتكاسة

Watch while the queen
In one false move
Turns herself into a pawn
Sleepy and shaken
And watching while the blurry night
Turns into a very clear dawn
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?

One false move
And a secret prophecy
Well, if you hold it against her,
First hold it up and see
That it's one side stone
One side fire
Standing alone among all men's desire

And if you wonder
What I am doing
As I am heading
For the sink
I am spitting out all the bitterness
Along with half of my last drink

I am thinking
Of your woman
Who is crying in the hall
It's like drinking gasoline
To quench a thirst
Until there's nothing there left at all

"Walk on the blind side"?
Was the answer to the joke
It's said there isn't a political bone
In her body
She would rather be a riddle
But she keeps challenging the future
With a profound lack of history

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"Tu fais battre mon coeur plus forte que les vagues quand le ciel est sombre. D'abord tu me dis oui et, tout doucement, tu me fais mourir." ~ Bratsch

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I have a confession. I hate the color orange. I almost hate it with a passion. I hate the combination of orange and brown.

storyteller

The only way to let it die is to let it out. But this Scheherazade will not keep her stories to the Shah anymore.

my new retro living room

I redecorated here again.. we could call that my own blue period..

5 yrs studying computer science, and I could not change my post titles' color (I still cannot find the html variable for it, want to make it a darker shade)!! Also cannot remove that pattern-less box in the rightmost area since it is part of the image I used as background template.. sad sad..

T., my nemesis, is leaving to Australia for a few months, and even though we barely meet except by chance, I feel I will miss her.

also, for some reason I am obsessed right now with owning a blue Vespa! Super cute.