Lobsters & Insecurities

In psychology, there is a term called “loose associations”, it describes a sort of a brain disorder where a thought or term instantly triggers a response/memory/thought/word that seemingly have no logical connection. I learned this as a teenager in university and I was surprised.. Disorder, they say! This is how my brain functions most of the time and they call it a disorder! The idiots! 

I think of loose associations, when I see on a French food blog the image of a lobster getting ready for the boiling.  

It makes me think of Annie Hall and the famous lobster fiasco scene with Woody Allen.

I think of the time I watched the movie for the first time with him. I think of me falling asleep during the end of the movie, after all it was almost dawn, the sun was rising on us, and we were in that content relaxed mood that makes staying awake an epic challenge for a person like me. 

I think of how offended he got because I fell asleep again watching a movie with him, then how I explained that I have to be at my maximum levels of trust to have done that several times. 

I think of another time he got offended, when I chose to be in opposite teams to him in some board game, thinking I do not trust his abilities to win, whereas I just thought it would be cooler to banter on opposite sides than be lovey-dovey on the same side.. I liked the teasing involved with the competition more than the collaboration. 

I think of insecurities.. I think of another insecure guy and how I had to pull off several “dumb”/girly/weak acts to have him supposedly step in and save the day. Until he believed it and so did I. 

I think of my own insecurities.. Insecure of leaving and of being left. Insecure of not leaving, of being stuck. Insecure of being too good or not being good enough. I think of how hard I fight my inner demons on a daily basis, with a poker face, and -at most- the fish mouth as Dudu calls it. 

I love Diane Keaton’s wardrobe in Annie Hall, it reminds me of my mom as a younger woman.. But I do not like Woody Allen’s insecurities in that film. They just fucked everything up for him. 

Lobsters and insecurities.. this is all what it boils down to… Lobsters and insecurities.