Saturday, August 25, 2012

nice earrings

the first thing I noticed about her was her earrings. I really appreciate nice earrings, to the point that I believe they tell more about a woman's character and strength more than any other jewelry item. Much more.

So, I noticed her earrings, first on her, then on the dressing table.. several pairs of them.. all lovely, all catchy.. And I complimented him (as I didn't know her much back then, or now) on his wife's taste in earrings, joking that she wouldn't notice if a pair went missing by me...

She still wears nice earrings, but it doesn't matter now, for there is another who also does..

nice earrings, short dark hair, and big smiles. Patterns.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Mediocre

I am haunted by fear of mediocrity. There is a thin line between being mediocre and being content, and I am haunted by the fear that I will be one of those who settle for mediocrity and claim it as contentment.

I am also tongue-tied. I think I forgot how to write. So much so that my posts tend to have a gloomy concise nature that annoys me and then I end up saving the post as draft hoping it will one day be polished to see the light, which it mostly never does.


Thursday, May 03, 2012

Tired

I am tired.

I am tired of caring and of not caring. I am tired of pretending to care and equally pretending to be apathetic.
I am tired of wanting and needing. I am tired of doing and tired of being lazy.
I am tired of sensing and feeling and judging and forgiving and loving and making mistakes and fixing mistakes and justifying and explaining and understanding and fighting.
I am tired of reaching out and settling down and stepping up and moving on and paying back and showing up and making up and acting out.


I am perfectly fine, just tired. 

Monday, April 30, 2012

Amman

Things I liked about Amman
The houses - all built in white stone, no tall buildings.
The plants and the roses. Almost all balconies had roses and flowery plants. Huge roses. The city's soil is super fertile apparently.
The food, I miss this food in Cairo.


Things I did not like about Amman
The people. They barely smile and they're not very easy to communicate with as the Lebanese. The accent is very heavy and the tone is harsh.
The lack of true companionship during this trip.
The fact that shops and malls close real early especially that they're not keen on opening early at all.
The "knafeh" at Habiba (presumably the best knafeh in Amman!) that had curry powder added to it and I could swear on that.

I will give it another chance someday, but not soon.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

ذاكرة الأشياء

زمن متجمد في ذاكرة الاشياء، غير أن الاشياء بلونها، بطعمها، برائحتها، بصوتها أو صمتها، تستفزه فيستيقظ، ولا يكتفي بأيقاظ صاحبه، بل يؤرقه حتى يعيده الى الوراء عبر ذاكرة تنتظر أية حجة أو مبرر لتعود الى ماضيها الحميم
اعتقال الطائي، ذاكرة الأشياء

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Depersonalized..

Depersonalization (or depersonalisation) is an anomaly of the mechanism by which an individual has self-awareness. It is a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation. Sufferers feel they have changed, and the world has become less real, vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience, since many feel that, indeed, they are living in a "dream".
~ Wikipedia

my sister and I call it "the double bubble". The feeling that you are inside a bubble, watching everything around you in a dreamlike slo-mo fashion.

They say that in these situations it is best to be around familiar faces and places, sometimes this physical closeness is reassuring.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Reincarnation

Even now, years later, my heart skips a beat for the memory. I believe that parts of dead people's souls could recycle themselves in the living. But is it also true about living people?

Or do we notice the same patterns over and over again?

Monday, January 30, 2012

what's in a name..

لا أذكرُ .متى اكتشفتُ أن لي
اسماً موسيقياً، يليق التوقيعُ به
على قصائدَ موزونةٍ، ورفعُه في
وجه أصدقاء لهم أسماءٌ عموميةٌ
ولا يفهمون المعنى العميق لأن
تمنحك الصُدفةُ اسماً ملتبساً
يثيرُ الشبهاتَ حولك
ويقترح عليك أن تكونَ شخصاً آخرَ
كأن يسألك معارفُك الجددُ
- هل أنت مسيحيّ؟
أو
- هل لك أصولٌ لُبنانيّة؟

~ إيمان مرسال

الصالحون لصداقتي

مُروجو الشائعات
من أجل الرضا عن النفس
عاشقو البانجو وجلسات
الاعتراف
الموتورون ضد الدولة
منظروا الخيانات الزوجية
الباحثون في أسماء جدودهم
عن القاب يسهل حفظها
المصلحون من الداخل
الصرحاء كالقمامة
المتشائمون عن بعد
الطيبون لعدم وجود بديل
أشباهي
الصالحون لصداقتي
الذين تخلقهم من أجلي
وفيرون هذا العام
ياإلهي
ارفع عطاياك عني
ولا تخلف وعدك لي
بأعداء جدد

~ إيمان مرسال

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Ugly Face of Happy Endings: Is Capitalism Brainwashing the Masses?

This was actually the title of a paper I wrote in a film course in my last year in uni. I don't remember everything about it, but I remember that I was comparing the rise of capitalism in the US and the effect of that on the film industry, how it portrayed capitalism as the solution to everyman's troubles, and the road to achieve the All-American dream. And part of the argument was to illustrate that -just like communism and other similar schools of thoughts- Capitalism was still using the mass media to brainwash people, albeit in a more subtle, and less sharp, way.

This comes to mind now because there is something I do not fully comprehend about the current World order. During the last period, I've been repeatedly thinking (and saying) that it is indeed a strange world that has so much money and wasted resources and yet has people who die of hunger or cold or lack of clean water or what have you of these "natural" causes that could have easily been avoided. I cannot get my mind around that. And then we come to those mega big-ass multinationals, that are obliged (both by law and by their own self-imposed sense of made-up morality) to dedicate a percentage of their profits to what they refer to as "corporate social responsibility" (CSR), which ensures they sleep better at night, knowing they did their part in paying back the world.

Don't get me wrong, I truly respect the role these CSR efforts play in making the world a slightly less ugly place to live in, but I just question the true value Vs. the perceived value of these efforts. Thinking they pay back society by constructing a school in some rural area whereas in some other part of the world they can have a factory polluting the environment. Thinking we give back to society by our tiny random acts of kindness! yay for us, we use recycled paper! We did our part, and what happens next is not our responsibility.

Is it really that hard to be less apathetic about something that happens to other people? regardless of their race? Is it that hard to be outside ourselves and get a bird's eye? How can we all sleep at night knowing we are part in some major crime against humanity? With all the modern signs of globalization, and with the world becoming a little village, and everything being a few clicks away, is it really that easy to share information but that difficult to share feelings? Are we becoming supportive only on paper/media? "Share this to save another child from hunger", "For every email you send, XYZ will donate a dollar for medical care in this poor underprivileged country", "Finish your food because some people cannot find this food you're wasting."

And still, as I write, in another part of the world, another person dies of hunger or for lack of the most basic health care.

Yay for humanity.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

ordinary corrupt human love

"I’m not at peace anymore. I just want him like I used to in the old days. I want to be eating sandwiches with him. I want to be drinking with him in a bar. I’m tired and I don’t want anymore pain. I want Maurice. I want ordinary corrupt human love. Dear God, you know I want to want Your pain, but I don’t want it now. Take it away for a while and give it me another time." - Sarah

~ Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

Monday, January 09, 2012

Proof of Love

we search for little proofs that the other(s) loved us. Small pieces of evidence that they cared when they said they did, and sometimes pieces of evidence that they still do. Anything that the other does or says can be interpreted to mean what we please: If they call, it is because they still miss us, if they don't it is because getting over us is too hard and they cannot do it right if they are still in touch. It is hard on our self-esteem, pride, and maybe heart, to believe that they are gone for good, and that maybe -just maybe- they never were there to start with.

I remember this when I think of things one told me to feel less alone (we share secrets to feel "less alone", that's what I believe). Maybe it was not really a secret, maybe it was a dear little piece of information. Regardless, you shared, you trusted, you loved.

The fact that the others come back to question this love (or we do) does not mean it wasn't there in the first place. So yes, if I can find my little pieces of evidence to proof you/I did, then maybe you/I did. But what good would it be to know now?

Monday, January 02, 2012

Sunday Secrets

and it suddenly hit me that for several several weeks I have not remembered my weekly ritual of checking postsecret.