émotions d'autrefois

L'homme de Verre: Elle préfère imaginer une relation avec quelqu'un d'absent que de créer des liens avec ceux qui sont présents ?
Amélie: Non...Peut-être même qu'elle fait tout pour arranger la vie des autres.
L'homme de Verre: Mais elle? La sienne, de vie,....qui va s'en occuper ?
Amélie: En attendant, mieux vaut se consacreraux autres qu'à un nain de jardin.

Mon petit plaisir

TP Update

On December 11, 2007, Terry Pratchett, writer of the Discworld series, announced that he has "a very rare form of early onset Alzheimer's"..

From TP's blog:

P.S. I would just like to draw attention to everyone reading the above that this should be interpreted as 'I am not dead'. I will, of course, be dead at some future point, as will everybody else. For me, this maybe further off than you think - it's too soon to tell.
I know it's a very human thing to say "Is there anything I can do", but in this case I would only entertain offers from very high-end experts in brain chemistry.

Expressive..

It still feels good to talk.. I am thankful for the illusion of companionship, and the phantom of a companion.

My perception, reflection, (im)perfection..

I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.

~ Anaïs Nin

Why here?

I need a place where I can shout and weep. I have to be a Spanish savage at some time of the day. I record here the hysteria life causes in me. The overflow of an undisciplined extravagance. To hell with taste and art, with all contractions and polishings. Here I shout, I dance, I weep, I gnash my teeth, I go mad —all by myself, in bad English, in chaos. It will keep me sane for the world and for art.

~ Anaïs Nin, Oct. 27, 1933 (writing about her diary)

Nostalgie

27, Rue Roushdy Pacha
I am much more proud of my heritage than I let out sometimes..
I've lived my very early childgood years outside Egypt and used to come here for the occasional visit, wedding, long weekend with my dad.. To me, Egypt was "27 Rue Roushdy Pacha"; the address of my Geddo's 2-storey villa where my uncle and aunt lived afterwards.. i never knew my Geddo and Teta, he passed away in the 60's when my older brother was just a baby and she passed away a long before that time, yet i always felt their presence in the house.. i imagined her with her white veil/shawl sitting on the sofa facing the big green door, running the household and ordering everyone around.. I pictured Geddo in the garden, making shish kabab that he would probably just taste (he was a vegetarian wannabe like me :)) back to my childhood, i used to love walking in the garden at sunrise and sunset, the smell of jasmine was amazing in the air.. until this day, the smell of jasmine trees near residential areas can bring tears to my eyes with nostalgia..

I used to walk from there to my other uncle's house next door... my uncle himself had died when i was very young but his 2 daughters who were in college back then used to spoil me like crazy... I used to walk till Zikry Pharmacy, then to Kharinos -the best place for Cassata (or however you spell it) and get gateaux.. I used to walk to Karameh, the ancient Palestinian grocer's who sold everything from pencils, to ice-cream, to "yameesh", to rice.. Karameh was a very very very old man, who was old since my father was a young boy, and who probably outlived my dad..

A couple of years after we moved to Egypt, they sold the villa.. for the exception of my dad, it was a unanimous decision.. I went there a couple of weeks ago with a friend of mine.. we were driving near the area and i wanted to see whatever happened to it.. it looked ugly.. they changed the green iron fence (painted it maybe), they took down the mango trees -the fruits of which always made me cough-, they put white statues in the veranda that overlooked the garden, and they were building one more floor on top of it so it was in the grey cement phase.. It broke my heart.. a piece of my childhood was lost forever..


Coco Chanel
When I was young, my dad's ex-wife or my brother's mother as i like to call her (i have an unusual family structure) used to get me small bottles of Coco Chanel whenever she saw me.. She worked in Duty Free blabla so she had a lot of those.. the échantillon black bottle with 5 ml of the beautiful scent :) Funny thing is, i used to call my brother Coco, so for many years i grew up thinking this perfume was actually named after him!! And they tell you i was a smart baby!


Morning Rain
A memory from older years... Waking up to morning rain, sitting in the balcony a little after sunrise just to watch/smell the rain, sip tea, and contemplate.. i did that the day of the rainstorm last month, and it was a cleansing experience.. give me more winter anytime.. the lethal combination of being near Zamalek while winter is approaching is irresistable..


"My life is slowed up by thought and the need to understand what I am living." ~Anais Nin

Tagged - dedicated to fadfadation

i dont really like tagging and being tagged, but yalla its only once :) (a real post is coming!)

1- Whats your blog's name?
My Alternative Reality

2- Why did you choose this name?
I live moving between LaLa Land and Wonderland :) I always challenge the status quo, if not out loud, then at least in my mind.. i play the devil's advocate in almost every argument, because i believe there is always an alternative way to view things.. i hate conforming to one viewpoint.. yes there is usually one right thing, but there is a million ways to do this thing.. just because i dont do it your way doesnt mean am wrong.. yet i must clarify eno am not the "khalef to3raf" kind, i just dont like conforming for the sake of conforming.. this space is for me venting out my thoughts and perceptions of reality and its projection on my alternative universe :D

3- What does your blog's photo represent to you (if any)?
My blog doesnt have a picture.. but if it did, it will be the cheshire cat (the grinning cat that comes with Alice, disappearing body first then grin last :))... what this represents to me is cheerful, playful, and loyal in a weird combination! hmmmmm... c'est tout!

"Hypocritical" Oath!

I hate how you are.. so pretentious and fake with this ghost halo of selflessness and this false ego (note to "her": dont you see how often we use this false ego thing lately?)

I hate how you pretend to care, when you're really thinking about yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that really.. we ALL put ourselves first, so you dont have to pretend otherwise really! I mean really.. who will judge you ya3ni? you're the only one who is laying judgements around, so unless you judge you, i wont :)

I hate how you love to break news and watch the expressions on people's faces, how you love to gloat, how you love to go like "I dont mean to say I told you so, but I did tell you so!", how you pretend to care, infront of me and infront of yourself.. how you fool yourself before fooling others, and you never come clean with your real intentions, and you never challenge your own beliefs..

You pretend to be a "Fakir", but you're just a "faker"..

You disgust me! and you know what? You deserve to be stuck in the cave forever, your likes who managed to get out did nothing but pollute the beautiful clean place that this used to be..



p.s. this post is to no one in particular.. it is to a "prototype" of a person, who by the way wouldnt be reading this, because to him/her/it, this is more than what they can comprehend!

p.p.s. Yes I am very condescending, and it is about time kaman!

The Truth about Cats and Dogs and other Fairytales..

Cats
I've had a lot of cat metaphors recently related to me:
* the movie, Truth about Cats & Dogs, keeps coming up.. the same argument over and over again.. would you choose comfort or thrill? someone cheering for your league or way out of your league? They cant always seem to link how comfort sometimes IS a hidden thrill.. judging and labeling.. fa eih ya3ni? (my famous phrase!) why do you care about the label when its the feeling that counts?? just get along!

* "el 2ott ye7eb khana2o" this phrase has been used in conjuction with me unlimitied number of times in a million contexts and no matter how i try to explain, i cant get them to understand that el 2ott doesnt like khana2o.. el 2ott likes someone, and this someone happens to yekhno2o.. i dont like you BECAUSE you abuse me, i like you IN SPITE of the abuse!

* the same old sneaking (or is it gracefully walking?) like a cat and just giving people this "cat look".. Heba and I used to call it "cat out alone in the rain" look..


Of becoming a Pastafarian
I came across this wiki page a while ago http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster and altho it might -strongly- offend what i believe in.. yet i found the idea hilarious and the way he challenged their ideas quite entertaining.. So the other day am @ Diwan (the day i got that blue notebook) and i saw "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" containing the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts".. anyway i got it a coupla days ago, and started reading it right away.. So far it is really interesting.. the thing about it, is that it makes you requestion your faith in stuff.. which -to me- can actually be a way to regain, revive, or reinforce faith.. It makes you wonder why you believe in what you believe, and dig deeper in this paradigm.. Bobby Henderson (the originator and author) does that in a cool way by illustrating how correlation doesnt equal causation (a favorite topic of mine!) through establishing that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s" (where pirates are FSM "chosen people"!)

ah yes, hear this, followers of FSM are called Pastafarians..

I particularly liked this one from the Eight
I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
* Ending poverty
* Curing diseases
* Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable


Predispositions, Assumptions, and Preconceived Notions
Hate them.. try to prove it wrong in every possible way.. but what i hate most is that i sometimes end up using them myself!


Total Perspective Vortex
The Total Perspective Vortex, in the fictional world of Douglas Adams's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, is the most horrible torture device to which a sentient being can be subjected. Located on Frogstar World B, it shows its victim the entire unimaginable infinity of the universe with a very tiny marker that says "You Are Here" which points to a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot.

Instead of thinking how significant we are -to the universe, to those around us, and to our closest people- how about for a change we consider how INsignificant we are to the world? Makes all the difference!

Delirium Quote(s)
I just came into the book of quotable Sandman's that Karim got me a while ago men amrika, and i really liked these..

* "I like airplanes. I like anywhere that isn't a proper place. I like in-betweens." (Someone just said sthg similar about me 2 days ago!)

* "I am following my fish."

Comfort Zone

my "lather, rinse, repeat" routine is changing! I finally decided to come out of my comfort zone.. was it a comfort zone really? Not really but I was haunted with a fear of it becoming one! change for the sake of change is bad, but this is change for the sake of.... hmmm... growing? yes, growing, maturing, and moving out.. (i hope!) getting emotional and "this is the best place ever" wont do.. if it IS the best place ever, why are you leaving? :D i hate this tamseel..

Those who want me to stay are too scared of leaving themselves.. and who want me to leave dont know what i learned by staying.. so this was/is/will be my call alone...

my friend told me "w 7atseebi el balaleen wel le3ab?" and i told him "yes imagine!" He knows how I liked it at first, and how it suffocated me later, and he knows the in betweens..

that other "person" told me am not loyal.. then said i shouldve negotiated.. i want you to settle on ur choice! do you think i should be a loyal patriot AND a negotiator? dont they contradict a little?

What else.. Zamalek isnt the same except in winter.. maybe i should wait till winter to judge..

Random facts (or what my friend calls "leakage from a water cooler")
* I luv the taste of lemon..
* I got a really really cute blue notebook from Diwan.. eccentric and somehow very "me".. has the drawings of a Tibetan Lamayuru monastry.. (this is the link to it.. i got the Clouds one)
* Recently I feel guilty for sleeping more than 4 hrs a day!!
* I have a terrible headache
* In spite of being an unemotional, antisocial, autistic person, i will miss them.. some more than others, but i will miss them..
* I am very nostalgic!

The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?


i had more thoughts to write, bass khalass thats about it for now..


Bisous,
N.


p.s. If "you" are reading this, you were right, my life is for rent, and I dont learn to buy.. But i _am_ examining the options right now.. and by the way, thank you.

dum dum dum

(for lack of a better title!)

@ Mo's waiting for the mother and the sister for iftar.. IDEALLY we picked here because it is understated and a little off the usual scene.. a family of four walks in, older son, younger daughter.. ya pappa and ya mamma.. and they're looooooooud.. soon as they come in, the waiter directs them to a close table, but -lucky me- they pick the table next to me.. and they hate the A/C so they turn it down ("ah sebhooli sebhooli" the woman says and takes the remote control).. I remember i was young too, but i was never like this, and not because i was hadya, even my brother wasnt like this in public places.. w eih kaman.. hmmm..

anyway.. too tired to talk or blog.. too too too tired... LOL the family is hilarious.. now he got them the pepsi.. momek teshelli el lamoona, the girl says.. the father says, hat'hali ana.. lol.. i think life can be much more silent than this.. why does it take so much noise to live.. loud loud people.. pappa.. lol they're the whining type.. la cassetta sucked and the food was cold and no soup and blablabla..

my own silent family came now.. tata.. (long post still in progress)

On my mind..

.. is one phrase that keeps going on and on and on: ".. for who else would make the journey".. It's part of a sentence keda.. hmmm i dont know.. very meaningful in context.

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some long post is in progress.. of abusive relationships, forgotten dreams, Pink Floyd, et fenetres!

Believing...

every once in a while, i have to remind myself of what i believe in.... so here goes.. Neil Gaiman from American Gods... read it all thru and enjoy!

"I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen-- I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it."

Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

...been thinking about that phrase for sometime now.. its funny.. no one reads directions on a shampoo bottle anymore.. you just know you're supposed to "lather, rinse, repeat".. If product gets into eyes, wash them immediately with water. If problem persists, consult your physician. For external use only (who would ever drink shampoo!)

It's funny.. just becomes a background process keda.. you never stop to wonder or think, is there a better way to do things? Maybe i shouldnt repeat lest my hair gets too dry.. Do i need to change my shampoo? What about conditioner? it just becomes part of your routine.. (note to self -and to readers-: i sound too much like who moved my cheese!)

I am questioning my shampoo big time.. maybe i need to wash my hair with soap instead.. maybe i need to switch to a more fancy brand... i dont know YET, but what i do know is, its time to throw away that bottle and requestion my hair washing techniques!

(As K would say, elli fahem 7aga yerfa3 2eedo!) All in favor say "Aye"..

bahayess no? "fee shakhbata fe demaghi", saraseer and spiders too..

Anyway, to rab ub, here is a part of a song from my childhood that i relate to.... read it thru, its deeper than it seems..

would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a fish

A fish won't do anything but swim in a brook
he can't write his name or read a book
to fool the people is his only thought
and though he's slippery he still gets caught
but if then that sort of life is what you wish
you may grow up to be a fish
a new kind of jumped up slippery fish

And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo
everyday you see quite a few
so you see it's all up to you,
you could be better than you are
you could be swinging on a star


Bisous,
N.


p.s. say a little prayer for me.. maybe i want to be YP too ;)

Fragile -- Handle with Care

So, you probably noticed i havent been myself lately. Or maybe you didnt. Maybe you thought this is who i've always been and you just didnt know me well enough. Well, you're wrong. This has never been me. The reason? Well, they are many. You might know some because i told you or because you guessed them or because you're part of them. No one has the big picture but me, but some have a bigger picture than others. And no i am not willing to share. I already feel i've turned into a whining female and its really really bugging me. So what now? Where do i go from here? Well, i dont know. I am still figuring that out. Meanwhile, i really appreciate my space, your understanding, and whatever quality time we have. Hmmm i keep dismissing every other thought i want to say because its either too personal, too direct, or wrongly timed. Why on earth am i sharing this aslan? The whole point behind blogging still confuses me.

Right now, i want a toffee apple with caramel and pecan nuts :) and cold weather and a little rain drizzle. Hmmm i talk like Delirium. Good night.

Just for "funny" ;)

Prayer

Old Man: "It goes like this. Let's see now: 'Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.' That's it. It's what you pray silently inside yourself anyway, so you may as well have it out in the open."

Arthur: "Hmmm, Well, thank you - "

Old Man: "There's another prayer that goes with it that's very important, so you'd better jot this down, too."

Arthur: "OK."

Old Man: "It goes, 'Lord, lord, lord...' It's best to put that bit in, just in case. You can never be too sure. 'Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. Amen...' And that's it. Most of the trouble people get into in life comes from missing out that last part.'"

~ Old Man Oracle's prayer given to Arthur Dent, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Darkness wanna-be..

You must have been wondering when were these lyrics coming.. i tried to resist it for some time, but it's sooooo well-suited with the mood, no? and it's the first recommended lesson in Darkness for Dummies ;) If you have any suggestions for a darkness beginner, drop them in :)


I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and theyre all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens evry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then Ill fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

Cracking..

The silicon chip inside her head
gets switched to overload
and nobody's gonna go to school today
she's gonna make them stay at home
And Daddy doesn't understand it
He always said she was good as gold
And he can see no reason
Cos there are no reasons
What reasons do you need to be shown

Tell me why I don't like Mondays
Tell me why I don't like Mondays
Tell me why I don't like Mondays
I want to shoot
The whole day down

irrelevant but meaningful

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

~ "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65

The Great Beyond

I've watched the stars fall silent from your eyes
All the sights that I have seen
I can't believe that I believed I wished
That you could see
There's a new planet in the solar system
There is nothing up my sleeve

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
I Look into the stars
I Look into the moon

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

hmmm...

“Whenever you’re far away, I wish you were near. I imagine the conversations we’ll have when you or I come back from a trip. I phone you to make sure everything’s alright. I need to hear your voice every day. I’m still passionate about you, I can guarantee you that ... But what happens when we’re together? We argue, we quarrel over nothing, one of us wants to change the other, to impose his or her view of reality. You demand things of me that make no sense at all, and I do the same. Sometimes, in the silence of our hearts, we say to ourselves: how good it would be to be free, to have no commitments.”

~ Paulo Coelho, El Zahir

Inside her Head

Preamble
I don't know what am talking about.. I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want. Don't analyze, just read.

My first post using Word 2007 blog publishing functionality.

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Lost and Found
Every now and then, I lose myself then find it –wanting to be lost again.. too concerned with the root cause, cause and effect, correlation and causation.. the how's and the why's and should's and ought not's.. cannot just float.. I need to float, to let go.. but I cannot.. too connected, too hooked up, too wired.. but I try, but I cannot.. Cannot or do not want to?

I lost track.. Of time and of path.. I don't see the big picture and I don't see the details.. I don't know where this little cog fits in the big universal machine, or if it fits at all. Infinite loop.. too wound up in the journey that I miss the search, then too focused on the search that I missed the journey.

Provocative
Am I too cynical for your taste? Do I challenge you? Do I provoke your worst fears? Your worst personality traits? Do I get the worst in people? Do I appeal to your good side? Do I speak to your demons? Am I a representation of your demons? Your angels? Do I rub into your face what you want to hide/deny/ignore? Do I make you face your fears? How do I see it? To me, I am the opposites and the in-between.. at least I am consistent in my inconsistency. Organized Chaos.

Spiritual Query
More than 5 years ago, in a sophisticated low-profile Italian restaurant in Kuwait, over lunch, I had a long conversation with a relative/friend/big brother figure about faith, du'aa, Divine intervention, and the alchemy of it all.. Last week, I managed to revive this talk over email. Discussing the Divine absolutes "Mutlaq in everything".. how do we affect and be affected? Why do we need it anyway? Do we need this ultimate knowledge or 'Ilm as a sign of more faith or just to act as a magic wand for us?? He challenges me, "Although Du'aa is the essence of faith and prayers," he says, "it also is an interruption of God's plan(s).. Are we allowed to do so.. or is it a must.. or is it a gift from God to be permitted to alter his unlimited Qaders or possibilities!"

We pose questions and answer them or sometimes leave them unanswered, challenging, questioning, teaching, learning, guessing, knowing, seeing, and believing.. trying to reach a lesser level of ignorance.. Knowledge must be a burden and a curse to those who have it..

Defining Me
If you were to define me, how would you do it? Would you care to see/know how I define myself? Do we know people as we want to know them or as they want to be known? Is it some sort of checklist, checking items that matter to us, and ignoring items that don't? If you want to know me, will you dig deep or will you take me at face value? Does it make any difference what I want? What if my dream world, my fantasy world, is an integral part of my being? Will I have to give it up if you're putting me in context of a material world only? In Flatland, when the Sphere went to the 2D world, he had to become a circle varying in size ya 7aram as he moved up and down in the 2D plane.. he had to give his 3rd dimension to exist in 2D and had a hard time aslan explaining it to others.. am I willing/capable of doing this?

Keywords: learner, teacher, arrogant, opinionated, passionate, fixated, drifter, communicator, nagging, annoying, proud, diverse, stubborn, lover, detached, friend at my own pace, connecting and disconnecting, dependent, independent, scared, thinker, feeler, judgemental, intuitive, dreamer, daydreamer, hopeful, optimist, idealist, social, antisocial

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Epilogue
"It's like trying to find a need… no, not a needle. Something SMALLER than a needle, in a haystack, when you don't even know if you're in the right field!" The Minister, MirrorMask.

If I were..

if I were a weapon
you said I'd be a gun
lethal at close range i guess
with silencer and stun

but I feel more like a needle
always pulling on the thread
always making the same point again
and wondering if you heard what I just said

if you were a weapon
a hammer's what you'd be
blunt and heavy at the end
and coming down on me

but i've concealed a weapon
in a pocket knife attack
all folded up inside until you see the shine
and then you'll want it back

if I were a weapon
you said i'd be a gun
lethal at close range I guess
with silencer and stun

well, if I am that weapon
I am pointing now at you
so just put down the hostage and we'll
talk it down until we see this through

~Suzanne Vega

I am tired

The Letter

LITTLE cramped words scrawling all over the paper
Like draggled fly's legs,
What can you tell of the flaring moon
Through the oak leaves?
Or of my uncurtained window and the bare floor
Spattered with moonlight?
Your silly quirks and twists have nothing in them
Of blossoming hawthorns,
And this paper is dull, crisp, smooth, virgin of loveliness
Beneath my hand.
I am tired, Beloved, of chafing my heart against
The want of you;
Of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
And I scald alone, here, under the fire
Of the greater moon.



Aftermath

I learnt to write to you in happier days,
And every letter was a piece I chipped
From off my heart, a fragment newly clipped
From the mosaic of life; its blues and grays,
Its throbbing reds, I gave to earn your praise.
To make a pavement for your feet I stripped
My soul for you to walk upon, and slipped
Beneath your steps to soften all your ways.
But now my letters are like blossoms pale
We strew upon a grave with hopeless tears.
I ask no recompense, I shall not fail
Although you do not heed; the long, sad years
Still pass, and still I scatter flowers frail,
And whisper words of love which no one hears.



Mirage

How is it that, being gone, you fill my days,
And all the long nights are made glad by thee?
No loneliness is this, nor misery,
But great content that these should be the ways
Whereby the Fancy, dreaming as she strays,
Makes bright and present what she would would be.
And who shall say if the reality
Is not with dreams so pregnant. For delays
And hindrances may bar the wished-for end;
A thousand misconceptions may prevent
Our souls from coming near enough to blend;
Let me but think we have the same intent,
That each one needs to call the other, "friend!"
It may be vain illusion. I'm content.


~ Amy Lowell

It ain't me babe..

I can't stop listening to this Dylan song.. I luv it... melody is amazing.. its all about expectations and frustrations keda.. hmmm.. i think i relate to his "babe" a lot..

Go 'way from my window,
Leave at your own chosen speed.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I'm not the one you need.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an' defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
Someone to open each and every door,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an' more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
An' anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An' to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an' nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Dilbertism..

So-Called Chaos

Deadlines, meetings and contracts all breached
D-days and structure responsibility

Have-to's and need-to's and get-to's by three
Eleventh hours and upset employees

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations and return to what I was born to be

Heartburn and headaches and soon-to-be ulcers
Compulsive yearnings non-stop to please others

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet

All won't be lost if I'm governed by my own innate-ness
Stop lights won't work I'll get home sound and safe regardless
Won't be mayhem if I'm ruled by my own rule-lessness
My fire won't quell and I'll be harm-free and distress-less (trust me)

Line towing, and helping, expectations up to living
Inside box obeying, inside line coloring

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet
I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations and return to what I was born to be

Inherent Happiness

---
The Shaltanacs are a race from the planet Broop Kidron Thirteen, who had their own version of the Earth phrase, "The other man's grass is always greener." Although, given their planet's horticultural peculiarities, theirs was, "The other Shaltanac's joopleberry shrub is always a more mauve-y shade of pinky russet," and so, the expression fell into disuse, and the Shaltanacs found they had little choice but to become exceptionally happy and content, which surprised everyone else in the galaxy, who had never realised that the best way not to be unhappy is not to have a word for it.
---

~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Life or something like it..

hmmmm... Another picture of Lilia (noticed how her hair is parted lol).. it is an inexplicable comfort i feel when i look at her :) amazing feeling... like when is she going to speak ba'a! it's funny because its not like the first baby i come in contact with, yet it just feels weird keda with her being Oz's daughter and all.. Anyway, so i've been meaning to blog for so so long, I even had this Word document with a draft of my post to be.. the file name is "futile", any hints?

Anyway, one reason i havent really been keen on blogging no more is that primarily i used to blog to update Karembu, M & S, et al. on my daily/weekly/whatever life.. and then recently i decided it is futile since we meet and talk and all.. and i went thru a "why am i blogging" phase.. and then i realized i am really doing it for me.. I want to document certain stuff of my life and thoughts, no matter how trivial.. fa eih ba2a.... on my mind right now, here goes....

Karim is here! after 3 yrs of seeing him once a year, he is here to stay.. this -coupled with the fact that Cilantro finally opened on worx' roof- has made my work days a LOT better.. It has become sort of a ritual to take a daily 10-15 minute coffee break with him to talk about life and stuff.. it feels sooooo good.. really! the guys at cilantro now know us so they go like "the usual?" when they see us :) :) Where the usual is a caramel latte' for me, a hazelnut latte' for karim.. we both dont use sugar but i sprinkle a little cinnamon on mine (and have to be careful because i always get a bit on my clothes!).. Having cilantro made me realize how starbucks suuuuuuucked! At least cilantro tastes more or less the same everyday! SB ba'a was one day too much milk, one day too bitter coffee... ugh.. anyway, its cool to have this coffee ritual.. puts everything into place keda.. puts me in touch with the (really) good old days..

Speaking of good old days, we planned a get-together over breakfast @ lucille's today.. (the laptop am working on has the " and the @ switched together.. VERY annoying) back to story... so kailash was @ worx the other day for some meeting with e-gov ppl or whatever and after that we talked a little and he decided we should get together for breakfast blablabla.. so he goes up to Karim and arranges this thing.. M&S cant make it because they both had work.. so today it was karim, me, kash, michael "protos" and jessica (who are getting married real soon), beco, and gawly -altho we thought they're out-... was very entertaining to sit and talk with these people again.. on the way back, Kash, Karembu, and i had quite an interesting talk about Microsoft in Egypt and all that work with their partners, customers, and all that... again, the issue of stupid sloppiness came up (it comes up in almost any work-related talk i have with anyone).. the "i sent email and they didnt reply so i assumed they will reply"-did you call them-"no" syndrome.. the partner is waiting for the customer to reply and the customer waiting for the partner to get back to them, and everyone is waiting for someone else to act.... grrrr...

What else.... hmmm i feel i have word vomit lol.. i am on a talking spree.. anyway.. ah also recently on my mind.. the issue of correlation and causation... i suffer from that a lot.. well not "suffer", but it pisses me off... initially i hate assumptions... i hate them more when they are based on wrong evidence... let me tell you how... N talks to X a lot in the past 3 months, N has become very aggressive in the past 3 months, therefore X caused N to become aggressive... I feel pure ignorance when faced with such meaningless correlations.. uninformed guesses and haphazard assumptions... seebak!

i hate ppl invading my personal space awiiiiiiii... people who are loud in everything, their voice, makeup, perfume, attitude, opinions, it just bugs me to no end. And i feel trapped in a corner and i feel invisible... (message to the annoying ppl sitting next to me on the cilantro couch right now: please take your laptops, your coffees, and sadwiches and go watch your weird movies somewhere else you're bugging meeeeeeeee! and whoever on earth wears a semi-backless blouse to cilantro???)

Karim has a number of audio books and recorded radio shows on his iPod.. so recently when we're together in his car, we've been listening to H2G2 (if u dont know what that is, wikipedia it!) very funny.. luv british humor....

Ah, what am i reading these days.. well, to your (and my) astonishment, i am currently reading 2 non-fiction books!! non-fiction.. ME! :) however i dont read as frequently as before tho.. for some reason i go home totally busted and just watch a little TV until i sleep.. my reading venues are quite weird: gym and hairdresser! apparently someone forgot a copy of The Tipping Point @ hairdresser so i read a little bit everytime i go there (and it gives me an incentive to go there in the first place :)) and i read Wisdom of the Crowds at gym... both are interesting and are somehow related... the TP tho is very interesting that it had me remembering parts of it without really meaning to... Tipping Point main argument is the point at which an incident or an action becomes an "epidemic" as Gladwell calls it.. maybe one day i'd tell you about it in person..

Enough of that.. phew... i feel much better now thank you for listening..



"Life, don't talk to *me* about life!" ~ Marvin the Paranoid Android

Up so close...

I love this song.. It's by Cake... Dont try to think too much about what it means.. Just enjoy :) sweet melody too.. will blog something real soon..


Up so close, I never get to see your face.
Microscope, I might as well be out in space.
Up so close, I never get to see the view.
Down your throat, I'm never sure if it's still you.
Up your nose, down to your toes.
In your mouth, way down south.
Up so close, it seems I only think of you.
Up so close, I never see the sky so blue.

I only wanted to be sure
That what it was was really pure.
I put my face down in the cake.
My feet were flailing in a lake.

Up so close, I never get to see your face.
Microscope, I might as well be out in space.

Up so close, I never get to see you.
Microscope, I'm never sure if it's still you.

Lilia

I am not very fond of newborns.. They look all wrinkled, red, and feature-less to me.. But this one, Lilia, is the most beautiful newborn I've ever seen.. Ozzi gave birth late Friday to this beauty..

This is Lilia less than one day old.. Being her self-proclaimed godmother, I cant wait till she's old enough to take her to Diwan ;)

Sidney Sheldon

Sidney Sheldon (a fellow aquarian) passed away, just 11 days from turning 90..

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070131/ap_en_ot/obit_sheldon


This guy is one of my all-time favorite writers... I've read all his books.. he just knows a lot keda.. he writes about lawyers, doctors, assassins, ambassadors and he spans tens of countries in his novels.. I was always impressed by his storylines and his knowledgebase... "Un-put-down-able" is how they described his books, and they really were..

His novels were:

• The Naked Face (1970)
• The Other Side of Midnight (1973)
• A Stranger in the Mirror (1976)
• Bloodline (1977)
• Rage of Angels (1980)
• Master of the Game (1982)
• If Tomorrow Comes (1985)
• Windmills of the Gods (1987)
• The Sands of Time (1988)
• Memories of Midnight (1990)
• The Doomsday Conspiracy (1991)
• The Stars Shine Down (1992)
• Nothing Lasts Forever (1994)
• Morning, Noon and Night (1995)
• The Best Laid Plans (1997)
• Tell Me Your Dreams (1998)
• The Sky is Falling (2001)
• Are You Afraid of the Dark? (2004)

And his autobiography, "The Other Side of Me", published last year..

Too bad this man wont be writing no more..

It was a pretty good year...

I liked this TIME cover.. Very cute i think.. It was an ok year i think.. very "intense" I must say.. Too intense actually.. Fights, arguments, happiness, misery, hopes, dreams.. and it all seems sooo long ago.. memories from another lifetime perhaps... or maybe fictional memories..

A year of holding on and letting go, believing and losing faith and not necessarily in this order.. recurring fears and reassurances.. interesting, eh? Eno it was controversial and contradictory..

Resolutions? Working on them.. I need a paradigm shift...