Inside her Head

Preamble
I don't know what am talking about.. I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want. Don't analyze, just read.

My first post using Word 2007 blog publishing functionality.

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Lost and Found
Every now and then, I lose myself then find it –wanting to be lost again.. too concerned with the root cause, cause and effect, correlation and causation.. the how's and the why's and should's and ought not's.. cannot just float.. I need to float, to let go.. but I cannot.. too connected, too hooked up, too wired.. but I try, but I cannot.. Cannot or do not want to?

I lost track.. Of time and of path.. I don't see the big picture and I don't see the details.. I don't know where this little cog fits in the big universal machine, or if it fits at all. Infinite loop.. too wound up in the journey that I miss the search, then too focused on the search that I missed the journey.

Provocative
Am I too cynical for your taste? Do I challenge you? Do I provoke your worst fears? Your worst personality traits? Do I get the worst in people? Do I appeal to your good side? Do I speak to your demons? Am I a representation of your demons? Your angels? Do I rub into your face what you want to hide/deny/ignore? Do I make you face your fears? How do I see it? To me, I am the opposites and the in-between.. at least I am consistent in my inconsistency. Organized Chaos.

Spiritual Query
More than 5 years ago, in a sophisticated low-profile Italian restaurant in Kuwait, over lunch, I had a long conversation with a relative/friend/big brother figure about faith, du'aa, Divine intervention, and the alchemy of it all.. Last week, I managed to revive this talk over email. Discussing the Divine absolutes "Mutlaq in everything".. how do we affect and be affected? Why do we need it anyway? Do we need this ultimate knowledge or 'Ilm as a sign of more faith or just to act as a magic wand for us?? He challenges me, "Although Du'aa is the essence of faith and prayers," he says, "it also is an interruption of God's plan(s).. Are we allowed to do so.. or is it a must.. or is it a gift from God to be permitted to alter his unlimited Qaders or possibilities!"

We pose questions and answer them or sometimes leave them unanswered, challenging, questioning, teaching, learning, guessing, knowing, seeing, and believing.. trying to reach a lesser level of ignorance.. Knowledge must be a burden and a curse to those who have it..

Defining Me
If you were to define me, how would you do it? Would you care to see/know how I define myself? Do we know people as we want to know them or as they want to be known? Is it some sort of checklist, checking items that matter to us, and ignoring items that don't? If you want to know me, will you dig deep or will you take me at face value? Does it make any difference what I want? What if my dream world, my fantasy world, is an integral part of my being? Will I have to give it up if you're putting me in context of a material world only? In Flatland, when the Sphere went to the 2D world, he had to become a circle varying in size ya 7aram as he moved up and down in the 2D plane.. he had to give his 3rd dimension to exist in 2D and had a hard time aslan explaining it to others.. am I willing/capable of doing this?

Keywords: learner, teacher, arrogant, opinionated, passionate, fixated, drifter, communicator, nagging, annoying, proud, diverse, stubborn, lover, detached, friend at my own pace, connecting and disconnecting, dependent, independent, scared, thinker, feeler, judgemental, intuitive, dreamer, daydreamer, hopeful, optimist, idealist, social, antisocial

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Epilogue
"It's like trying to find a need… no, not a needle. Something SMALLER than a needle, in a haystack, when you don't even know if you're in the right field!" The Minister, MirrorMask.