Trust..

Two years ago, I did not know how to float. I had always been terrible at learning how to swim. My father was a great swimmer, really one of the best I've seen. Like he taught my older brother and my cousins, he really did try to teach me with no success (and maybe he lacked the time & effort to follow through). What's more, I couldn't do something as basic as floating. I would float as long as his hand was under my back, even if not touching me, it was my placebo. But as soon as I felt it gone I would lose control and stop floating, arms splashing and flailing all over. Afterwards, there were several attempts through self and through friends to learn the same, but again with no use. "Trust that water will carry you" was only theoretical when it came to me. Water did not carry me, all laws of buoyancy & physics were rendered obsolete. I could not float.

It was not until two years back that S attempted to teach me to lay back and float, and succeeded. I suddenly could ease back into floating and I LOVED it! When he saw how my friends reacted to that, he realized what a big accomplishment that was. I even started to draw observations and improvise on my floating patterns (childish but it was still my baby steps).. I realized that while laying back (a very conscious & aware process in my case), there is a certain split second where an internal statement is made: I will let go, and all will be well. If this split second passes successfully, I could float forever uninterrupted. If it does not, here comes the flailing arms, the panic and the doggy swimming.  

To me, letting go of this feeling of control (emotionally/physically/mentally), is exactly like this split second. Over and over and over again. It is a lesson in trust, and so far the "metaphorical" water keeps failing me, so there is no reason to believe I can float if I let go.