This is me, can you handle it?

Let me start off by stating a fact: I am not a good person. I am not terrible, neither am I aware of all my shortcomings. But again: I am not a good person.

I know you're not surprised to hear this. Neither the fact itself, nor me admitting it.. If anything, no one ever accused me of being conceited (and i've been accused of a LOT other stuff!)

"I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic —in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself."
~ Anaïs Nin

As Anaïs Nin puts it, I do not feel the need to adjust myself to the world, I am adjusted to myself.. Neither do I feel a need to re-adjust the world to me, as a self-centered control freak would do. I am both all-knowing AND ignorant about who I am.. but that's again a part of me.

Am I allowed to vent off and be angry? Yes. And you are allowed to accept it, reject it, or just let it be and have nothing to do with it.. And so far you've chosen the third (we can argue it happened after choosing the first, then the second!).. Many years ago, I once said "love me or hate me but spare me your indifference".. Do I still prefer hatred (or negative feelings) to indifference? I dont think so.. but would I settle for this indifference? NO WAY. I need intensity. Calm and content, but intense nonetheless.

This is me, can you handle it?

I always feel there was more I couldve done.. About almost anything in life.. and you know what? chances are, there was more i couldve done, and i didnt do it, but it had to stop somewhere.. Almost but not quite.. always, always..

A perfectionist, idealist, sadist, masochist, racist, or whatever "-ist" you may.. I am not interested in names and labels anymore.. And -maybe to your surprise- I am not interested in analyzing anymore.. I am interested in just "being", if it makes any sense to you.

So, again, this is me. Can you handle it?

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

Except that, YOU'RE NOT STILL HERE :) I love to read.. I just finished a great great book written more than 35 yrs ago, called "The Breakfast of Champions" and I would probably tell you all about it if I got the chance, and if it were in person and I had the book on me, I would probably get it out and show you all the funny diagrams the guy included in the book, and share with you a couple of the pages I marked.. I will even tell you a long and complicated story of how I knew about this guy and then the thing that triggered the memory of me hearing about him and then how I was at Diwan and ran into the books and called to ask which book she recommended.. And halfway through the story I will forget my point and I will pause to say "I forgot why am I even telling this story!" and you will make fun and I will get all defensive.. And so on..

And I will tell you I learned the "And so on" part from the book and loved it, and I will tell you he even says "etc." a lot like I do.

And then I will feel I am babbling, and I will comment on how I tell a lot of stories, and then I will say the story that Duke told me about Jeremy Clarkson and his advice about knowing which stories to tell, and then I will say how based on this JC story, Duke and I developed this phrase of "Jeremy bey2ool eih?" whenever he feels am drifting into spaghetti stories..

And then I will proceed to talk about JC and his couple of Top Gear videos that I watched.. and I will probably comment about the movies I watch @ M&S, and I will tell you that Karim got more movies, and I will tell you about "Paris, je t'aime" and I will tell you I asked him to get me Dr. Seus "Cat in the Hat" hat if he found it, because I always imagine meself wearing it while reading Dr. Seus stories and it became an obsession when I dreamed about it.. it felt so real.. And AGAIN I will be drifting..

..and yet, this is me, can you handle it?

Then I will get all emotional, and I will start by saying a couple of "confessions" as I call them.. and they will always be in the form of: Do you know something? when I did *insert stupid action here*, I didnt really want to do it.. In fact, I did it JUST because I thought you would like it..

..and you will think (and probably say) something along the lines of "and dont u have any brains and/or personality of your own to judge".. and I will think (and definitely say) something along the lines of "I do! but i just thought...."

And so I will feel bad for my confessions, and I will go all analytical on you and me and it and us and them, and why and when and what if and all this jazz.. and you will be patient and impatient and cynical and serious and bored and offensive and defensive.. and I will tell you "sebni akammel bass" and you will ask me to go on, and I will say I forgot.. because the only way I can talk with you is in drifting thoughts.. as far as I have the points I want to discuss written down so as not to drift (I did, and it worked, too little too late though)

and if you read this far, you know this is me.. Can you handle it?

This post is not about you in any way.. really.. it's not.. It is all about me.. Just like it always has been.. Seeing the world through my eyes.. seeing the world through YOUR eyes through MY eyes.. seeing ME through MY perception of your eyes.. Projecting and speculating and assuming and analyzing.. Listening and accepting, and forgetting and blocking.. Blocking then resurfacing.. nothing ever gets forgotten, it always comes up.. I never forget.. It's just that while you were listening and recording words, I was listening and recording feelings.. and it's the feelings I never forgot..

this is about me, someone with "word vomit" and "emotional dumps".. Two expressions that I have deceived myself into believing I invented.. Two expressions that I use so freely about me, but get offended if anyone else does..

I invented you. "We created a monster" as I like to put it with her when we're playing Thelma and Louise.. I really did.. Now, dont get offended.. It's not the "you", it's again my projection of you.. We all have this picture-perfect image in our heads, and we just cut and paste and trim the new picture until it fits the image, glue someone's head to the photo.. the photo with a black void in place of the face..

But come on, this IS me! Can you handle it?

Well, I guess you and I know that I wouldnt have needed to ask this question if the answer was yes.

And so on.