The Empire in my Mind..

Positive Discharge
This whole positive attitude thing might wear off sooner or later.. and then what? I will be the real me? and the problem with that is what exactly? We claim "we" are sick of playing games.. We agree on honesty and integrity and -most importantly- transparency.. Yes I know I have what I call "emotional dump" sometimes.. I throw all what I feel and what I know and what I like and what I want, I throw it all your way.. Yes it's a lot, but I assumed ("ah! assumed" you would say.. "you know what assume makes, dont you?").. Anyway.. I expect that you'd at least communicate dissatisfaction with the emotional dump, no? It doesnt really matter now, because khalass its Little Miss Sunshine and only her that you'll find..


What Would N Do
So I have been challenging myself to go out of my comfort zone a LOT (at least in my standards!).. and based on recent findings and a series of unfortunate events, I devised a new approach in the last couple of weeks: in any "questionable" situation, I ask myself, "What would N do?" and then I go ahead and NOT do it.. Yes, I just force myself to do something else instead! So far, it's been working for me.. I am internalizing a lot.. I am adopting a positive attitude.. I am trying to be light.. to just "float" instead of being this enormous mass of intensity... N would've sent a fireback message? I wont.. N would be upset? I'd be cool about it then.. N would pursue? I would let go.. N would let go? I would pursue.. N wouldnt play games? Well, I still wouldnt play games either.. Thats the one thing I cant give up on.. I am REAL.. thats the _one_ thing I got.. and without it, I am really nothing..


The 10th Season
You know whats funny? How we know about happy endings.. there is no clear line that tells you "this is an ending.. assess status here".. I mean we just assume it's a happy ending, or because this couple gets married, or because the guy finds a job or because whatever.. we dont pursue it further to see what happens next; do they live in marriage hell? Does he get fired? we never know.. We just assume that if the show's tenth season ends beautifully, then it's a happy ending... Well, in life there is no such thing, because even though i was missing my tenth season, i had my own ending written in my head for it.. giving me the missing CD would only confirm my doubt: no such thing in life as a happy or a sad ending except in our heads.. it goes on..


The Elevator People
I've been thinking about that.. those little cameras in the elevator.. these people who see me every single day, all through my trips.. they watch everything.. they watch how i squeeze myself in the elevator left corner and stand tip-toed when the elevator is full (always left corner, always tip-toe!).. they watch how I dont like (avoid?) looking at the mirror and fixing myself up like almost all other girls.. They watch how we enter apart, and exit together (meet me @ elevators in 2 mins.. i hate passing by people's desks to pick them up for a coffee break).. I used to joke about it.. I used to say that the elevator people see everything and know everything.. They will be the first to know, I used to say.. I used to wonder how much they've seen... they will know if you're lying or cheating, they will be the first to know.. They will notice how you stand silently together in front of people and resume talking when they get out.. and they will see how you will later talk in front of people and drop silent when they leave.. They will see the bare highs and lows.. stripped down from pretense and acts...

You will want to hide it from everyone
.... but the elevator people know.


The Note
And I opened my notebook, and I saw the note that I'd forgotten, and my mind went -blank-. Just completely blank.. and my heart missed a beat or two.. I didnt count because I couldnt, for a split second the time stopped.. It was simply sad.. It was so raw, so pure, so true.. and i still believe it.


Nothing Else Matters
(for two days I've been hearing this song over and over again.. must've heart the following part alone like 30 times in the past couple of days!)
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know


Amélie
I just watched "Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain" again.. not all of it but like its second half (was aired on TV).. this movie is simply beautiful..

"Quand le doigt montre le ciel, l'imbécile regarde le doigt."

"Vous n'avez pas des os en verre, vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette."