Going nowhere fast..

"You know what the problem is?" And this is how I start my talk.. "you know what really bugs me?" or "you know whats the worst thing?".... And then I am told "No, I actually dont know whats the worst thing, because you always refer to something that way.. you always start your talk by this, so I dont know whats the worst thing"... But then again, in my defense, I also start my talk asking you if you know whats the best thing, or if you know what makes me happy, and it turns out to be something you say or do! So they balance out, cancel each other, dont they?

I freaked out when I first heard the song.. I said "going 'somewhere'? why? who put this idea and why? was it something I said or did? Am I sending the wrong signals?"

I freaked out but I believed, and because I believed I trusted.. And I tried.. Thinking back I cant remember how or how much, but I feel I did..

Change of topic... She used to tell me I dont know what I want, but I know what I *don't* want.. you take everything, you chip out what you dont want, and you're left with many ideas for what you want, but you're still lost.. "But you're mistaken", I reply, "I know what I want but I just don't like sharing it!" Why? Do you fear people will mock it when they know it? No, but I just dont like sharing it because I dont like people measuring me against it..

I am my own harshest judge, I really dont cut myself any slack.. Even if I sometimes pretend otherwise. Even if I pretend to victimize myself. Even if I pretend to go really soft on me.. I dont.. I judge myself really really harshly, and on all fronts... So I dont want to add to this any more judgement from anyone.. She tells me I set my bar too low.. She says I am scared of letting people know what I'm capable of, and so I promise them (and myself) nothing.. But sometimes I get weak and I overpromise, then instantly regret it.. I try to set a low bar, so that I always pass it.. That's what she says, and thats what I dont agree with.. walla eih?

Am I as harsh on others as I am on myself? Harsher? More lenient? I really dont know.. I feel I demand too much of myself and of others, but I am more open to expressing what I demand of others.. hence, it's too much, or i am too demanding..

Sometimes I wonder about alternative states of (un)consciousness.. how would it feel? will it hurt? will it give me more clarity? Can I then see and hear what people really think? She will say that I am too obsessed with what people think, with what SHE thinks.. I deny it sometimes, and admit it others...

Sometimes I wonder about losing my memory (selectively?) and starting a new page.. "They" will know, but I won't.. and sometimes ignorance is really a bliss..


Maybe I _am_ a zebra dreaming of his blue mountain.. and i wonder if I will ever get there... right now, it doesnt seem possible anymore.. I cant find my tracks anymore..