Memory Dump..

But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
~ Dido, White Flag

I actually go out of my way a lot recently not to express frustration and disappointment.. Actually not necessarily so.. I am just forcing myself to be out of my comfort zone, almost all the time.. which is, as I discovered 2-3 weeks ago, in line with our corporate strategy for the year 0809: "Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable"

I now do like a friend used to tell me I should do, I just "smile, wave, and nod". Trying to act like the perfect Miss Congeniality, when all I want to do is to cuss and curse and beat the hell out of people, to "inflict physical pain" on certain people as I always say.. Someone used to say I am too well-bred to react to people, and I didnt agree, but now I am acting it..

On the other hand, in areas when I used to be decent and polite, I am pushy.. especially at work.. I give my best smile, but still I learned to take the alternative route, to get the support of someone influential on my side to push for what I want.. am not there yet, but on my way.. (mashallah i like it when i praise myself LOL)

I am learning to go back to taking myself, and everything around me lightly.. I even give people the SMILEY now!!!! (and if you know me well, you will know how it feels for me to give the smiley vs. the grin) ah and I even initiate closing the conversation now, since it is too frustrating when someone else shuts me off or ignores to reply, or -worse yet- give me the "OK" reply when I say something such as "I waited for you to send me the stuff".. So I now give close-ended messages that dont require a reply, ending with "yalla
have a great day, need to go bye" said all in one breath so they sound like "yallahaveagreatday,needtogobye" LOL


A person is starting to piss me off to no ends, EXTREMELY demanding.. I am really tired.. And you know what the problem is? I have been compromising for way too long.. And having the time to distance myself from her and think about it, I realized that all I got from her, was bad vibes and gossip that I shouldnt have known and that REALLY gave me a hard time.. Which is making me revisit the whole idea and question the motives behind that.. I understand more than I show, and I finally confronted with what I understood, and the person acknowledged.. I dont like manipulative people.. It just feels too mean, too unethical, and too unfair.. Trying to hide your own problems (or hide FROM them) by exploiting other people's problems is not a solution.. just stop the pretense and stop rubbing people's noses in their trouble.. no one enjoys a guilt trip.. So YES I initiated it and YES i want to stay away.. I am tired of putting an act for someone who didnt care to put up one for me..

I obsess about the little stuff.. I am all about the little stuff.. Does that make me shallow or insecure? Does that mean I dont relate to or understand the big stuff? No.. It is just part of my coping mechanism..

w eih kaman, ah, special note to Pinky:
I discovered that when you click on a certain label in blogger it wont necessarily bring ALL posts related to this label, it will bring according to page capacity.. The only way i know to bring all posts will be when I choose the label from my own account in the dashboard.. so i dont know how readers can do it.. if this is too technical for you, ask Brain to translate.. was really cool running into you and the sisters.. too bad we dont meet except every three years :D (bad for us, good from humanity)

I am now in Cilantro 26 July.. net wasnt working at work and the support model REALLY pissed me off so i left to work from out.. When i walked up, there were 2 ppl, an African American, she was sitting on one side of the couch, and a young Egyptian guy, still in uni. sitting across the room on the other side of the room... Interesting conversation took place and i couldnt help but overhear (i wasnt barmi wedn, i had to listen :))

From parts of the conversation:
the american woman, practiced law for 15 yrs.. now she travels around.. teaches business english and communication.. the guy asks her after all ur travels, whats the toughest culture you've been in, she says Egypt.. it's the different culture: letters look different, everbody looks the same.. at least in france i know the letters even if i dont know what they mean.. I liked her mentality.. She talked about taxis.. "It's ok to tell me he will charge me 20 pounds for a certain distance, it is his business after all, but whats NOT ok is to tell me he is charging me this amount because I am American and i have money".. She talks about gender issues "in your culture, most educated people, men particulary, they say they treat women equally.. but truth is, they dont.. when it comes down to it, they dont ask her her opinion.." She talks about relations, "they tell me why dont you be muslim.. get married.. you need a man".. She talks about teaching English.. "no one would really care if you use the correct grammar rules.. Americans dont know good grammar, they dont know what subjonctive is and they dont care.. Neither will your customers.. They will care about how well you present yourself to them, not if you use the right rules.. Your employer will want to see how you conduct yourself in an important presentation.."


My Secret: ...