Things I am thankful for today (dont get used to my sunshine mood!)

Zamalek

the smell of coffee

Breakfasts, coffees, lunches, dinners, and phonecalls with friends who don't need small talk.

friends whom I would tell "call you back" and then call them back a week later.

friends -like Karim- who would say "But you keep getting fatter. How will I know how big you will be?" when I ask him to get me something nice to wear.

friends -like Karim- who would then try to fix the damage by saying "i expect i'll buy for the image i have of you in my head. the perfect woman."

friends -like Karim- who would not believe I could share this openly and would deny they said it.

other friends who would listen to me going on and on and on about who SATC's Mr. Big reminds me of and how I am hopelessly hooked on the type, and they still would have the decency to not bang my head (or theirs) against the wall in despair! (you know yourselves)

a mother who compares me to Israel whenever I try to act friendly with her (and end up taking her space and sharing her food!)

a mother (the same woman) who would say that an age difference of 20 yrs is not much between spouses, but would immediately yell at me when I say, so it is ok for me to marry a guy in his late-40s.

a mother (still the same woman) who would understand when I tell her that as a child I used to wonder why my father married HER, as a teenager I used to wonder why SHE married him, and as an adult, I understand and I hope to have what she had.

a brother who would compare the quasadilla I ordered for him to Tebesty's feteer, and a sister who would laugh at the joke even though I glare at them both.

believing in a God who treats/judges us "bema howa ahloh" not "bema na7no ahloh".

having been loved by people throughout my life, not so much so that one person would kill himself for me, but enough that ALL the people who love(d) me combined would sacrifice maybe a small chicken or something for me. Well, maybe just a pigeon, or a frog. Something!

having friends who understand (and hate) my attachments, detachments, and general commitment phobia.

being able to remember names, faces, and events that I only know through the cyber space (thank you FB, Blogger, and Twitter), even if it gives me a creepy, stalker-ish edge!

feeling that life is both over- and under- rated.

having a mentor/friend who brought me to tears with anger, intensity, and happiness at different points over the last few years.. who called me a drunk Sufi sometimes and 3abla Kamel other times.. who made me see how scared I am of people having expectations from me, and who makes me look for answers and patterns, and helps me understand that the "dog crossed the road" just because the dog crossed the road.

Mad Girl's Love Song

N.B. I dont generally like poetry, but I loved this one.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

~ Sylvia Plath

another day...

I am possessed since this morning by a thought; how we always say "well, tomorrow is another day". But then this tomorrow never comes, and I am haunted by a recurring today, over and over and over again.

So, as of now, I hereby declare TODAY as another day. This IS my another day and I am choosing to live it.

And, as a friend of mine so nicely put it, "Hello Mr. Letting Go, this is me, N. I know we've been quite out of touch lately but I am glad to have finally made your acquaintance."

It is time to leave Stockholm behind!
...

Relationship Theories - It could lead to dancing

Disclaimer:
This theory is not entirely about me or the other, for that alone would not make a "theory". It is more or less a collection of learnings.

A (quite long) Preamble

There is an old joke I read while in my first year in university.. back then when I read it, it was about Jews, and then later on I found out the same joke is told about baptists, muslims, etc. It doesn't make fun of the religions themselves as much as of our -sometimes narrow-minded- interpretations of the learnings. So to cut it short, the story goes that there was a couple who were preparing for their marriage, and they're meeting with the rabbi.. he goes on to explain how it's forbidden that men and women dance together in the ceremony, and then -going into more intimate details- they ask him about allowed sex positions, so they keep asking and he says yes it's allowed, and then the husband asks "how about doing it when standing?", to which the rabbi replies "OF COURSE NOT! THAT COULD LEAD TO DANCING!"

This joke has stuck with me ever since as an example of our contradictory double messages, and so whenever a situation calls for it, I find me saying to myself, "Oh but of course not, it could lead to dancing"

The Relationship Dilemma

So, the relationship dilemma here starts actually AFTER there is no relation. In that hazy crazy phase when you're not together but you're not exactly not together either, because one (or both) parties of the relationship still harbors feelings and doubts. So you are in a phase where you are still deciding how to define the boundaries of the relationship and what should/shouldnt happen under this new status, which is not an easy task at all...

And amongst all this, you find the weirdest requests and awkwardest moments between these two used-to-be lovers, wanna-be friends. Can we flirt casually, can we go out to dinners/coffees, can I call him, is it okay if he calls me late... etc etc.. Now I am not here to judge or be judged.. It is up to one entirely to define the boundaries they accept or demand for such a relation, and it is more or less a function of how you deal with friends of the opposite sex AND also how your relation with this ex was like...

So, again, no judging here.. However, the dating dilemma I am referring to starts when one of the two parties decides that they know what's better for the other (i.e. moving on), but at the same time they don't totally let go.. And you find yourself oscillating between wanting to let go yet feeling "trapped" in the relation (even if you're the one trapping yourself!).. and the one party who wants to stay knows that the one party more inclined to let go is ready to move on, just waiting for the right time or the right signal..

and then you find the weirdest behaviors coming up from you or the other, defining what should and should not be done under the context of the new connection. And it never makes any sense, so I would ask him to lunch but I would not go movies with him, because that would look like dating, and he would hug me, but he wouldn't call me when I am upset, because that would send me the wrong signal.. and so on..

So what is the solution to this? Should all breakups be done "cold turkey" as they say? or should we just "man up" to our decisions and do what our feelings/brains/impulses/morals (or whatever dictates your behavior) tells us to do?

So, I can flirt with you, I can talk to you, you can joke liberally with me, we can go out, and who knows maybe we'd even make out....

...But be careful not to do it standing, because -God forbid- it might lead to dancing!

In Love and War

they claimed that all is fair in love and war, but I need an answer to this:

In affairs of love (and war), when is letting go a strength and when is it a weakness? Does hanging on mean that one is too weak to let go and move on, or that one is strong enough to admit one's feelings and to hang on to a (non-existent) glimpse of a hope?

Or is it -just like most things- another grey area?

some stats while cleaning my room....

... I had the following items lying randomly around me -as opposed to placed neatly somewhere-:

• 13 books (only one of which is not a novel, and only one is in Arabic -Tawfiq El Hakeem, and only one I didnt read yet: NG's Graveyard Book)
• 2 movie DVDs
• 3 magazines (Karembu you can guess them!)
• 1 unopened puzzle (Cat in a Ruff)
• at least 2 Cairo maps
• several G-Mags
• 1 Qatari Riyal
• Mirqah's Learning Methods card deck (got you curious about that, didn't I)
• a yoyo

Feng-Shui my life please! I found the source(s) thats sucking all my energy!

Overheard at Dentist

"Did something break inside last time? Because this definitely couldn't have happened today, it must be last time."

This is the kind of thing I definitely didn't want to hear lying down at the guy's mercy!

... and I had to pretend I didn't hear anything.

Dear Cleaning Woman II

Seriously?? Even 5 minutes after I _asked_ you not to do it? What are you, a memory-less automated sprayer?

Thank you Endorphins

Since we are (I AM) always blaming it on the hormones, I thought today would be a good day to thank my endorphins...


Thank you endorphins... you sometimes make life good.

My Mini-Wisdoms (you can thank me later!)

The following is a collection of phrases said by me over the last weeks.. I amaze myself sometimes!

"I don't _have_ a moral fiber.. My moral fiber got torn" (said to D who thought it was way too visual and disturbing)

"They're not wrinkles, they are laugh lines" (I am proud of this one, you are all allowed (read "encouraged"!) to use it, quoting me)

"You are ALL older than me, how come you ALL don't have a single white hair and I do." said in spite and envy.. now everyone I know will blame me and my curse at the sight of a first white hair..

*frustrated tone* "oh, but that's not how _we_ do it" (everyone is dying to know who is this 'we', and you can replace 'do' with eat/say/wear, etc.)

"ugh! I am having a hormonal rage!" (also said to others, "why are you being hormonal?")

and this masterpiece is from a friend, she saw a mobinil billboard saying "3eesh 3al net", her next thought "mana already 3aysha 3al net!" then the following thought was "I should sooooo share this with N." (we've been spending a LOT of time recently online!) The thought and the after-thought are both hilarious and sad.. I don't know which is sadder, her response to the ad, or sharing it with me!


"I was abused as a child, that's why" - said on several occasions as an excuse for my weird behavior.. other runners up include:
"I fell on my head as a child"
"I am autistic sometimes"
"I blame it on the stuff I smoke" or "it's the cannabis I take in the morning"
"I live mostly inside my head"


And the finale, "I dont really like people, you know"


Bisous,
N.


.

Other People's Lives

This conversation was overheard yesterday in Starbucks Korba.. The group was 2 women, one in her 40s and one in her 70s, and a man in his 70s (older woman's husband?). The younger woman doesnt seem to be their daughter but more like a niece or so.. the conversation captivated me so much that i started typing what i could catch of it.


Old Woman: di kan esmaha Palmyra, konna bneegi hena neshrab beera.. ma3rafsh ghayaro esmaha leih!

Younger Woman: *laughing* La2 Starbucks di chain kebeera bta3et cafe', di maogood menha f engeltera w fransa w lebnan.. ento maba2etoosh tenzelo.. lazem tenzelo 3ashan te3rafo el donya.. maba2etoosh te3rafo 7aga..

Old Woman: la2 ne3raf menein, kan zaman.. 7atta wala zaman...

Younger Woman: ana 3arfa ento leih 7abseen nafsoko fel beit keda.. seneen mabtenzeloosh..

Old Woman: aslo el sha3b elli 3eshna ma3ah zaman mesh maogood.. kan geddo bta3 7afalat w bridge w keda.. konna lamma nenzel el balad no3od 3and Groppi w neshteri 7agat men west el balad...

Younger Woman: w da emta da? men arbe3een sana? (in an exaggeration tone)

Old Woman: *thinking* aiwa ta2reeban men arbe3een sana.. bass kan 7elw Groppi wel nass kano mo7tarameen...

---- a while later

Old Woman: mesh bey2oolo eskendereya 7ateghra2? eskendereya w port said.. el mayya mortafe3a.. 2areit keda fel gornal el sob7


...

Dear Cleaning Woman

When I am in the toilet, please please please refrain from spraying your cheap brand lemon-scented air freshner all around me.

For one, it freaking makes me sneeze.. you should've noticed that by now

For two, you can really wait a minute until I leave, can't you? What kind of message are you implying? That I am smelly?

For three, you're the one with the freakin BO. If you can figure out that a toilet needs freshening up, I am sure you can figure that out about yourself too..


Smell you later,
Cranky Mean Disturbed Sneezing Me

Some random thought

don't you sometimes wish that you had remained in the dark when it comes to certain facts? That not knowing this could've spared you some, and could've actually allowed you to go living your life without an extra piece of info you really didnt need to know..

wouldn't you sometimes prefer to keep your own misguided childish perceptions?

I'm just saying!

...

blukh

I feel royally flushed... whatever that means!

Take me Gouna now!

Rant

"What if reality is nothing but some disease?"

So much for the happy ending..

We are constantly over-obsessed with the happy ending that we forget about happy beginnings and happy middles..

I'd pick a happy middle anytime!

Relationship Theories - Are you gonna eat this?

So, the story goes that we (I, my friends, etc etc, not necessarily the reader who might not know me!), we have come of an age where we are getting -slightly- wary of being single.. yes I know independence and freedom and career woman and what have you, but at the end of the day, you really look for companionship and partnership and a witness to your life and the works.. add to this the natural human (or universal) instinct to leave an offspring, and we've got a recipe for disaster!

but first let me give you a little background.. the theory basically is that, let's face it, our resources are really limited, all the good ones are taken, only the freaks remain etc etc, you hear it all the time!.. so when a girl finds a "hot shot" (as i like to call them), or at least what she _believes_ to be one, she latches on to him like there is no tomorrow! am not judging 1) the need for a partner, 2) the "latching" technique, 3) how the guy's hotshot-ness increasing exponentially with the lack of options, or 4) the fact that there is no tomorrow if she misses out on this one.. what I am dicussing is what happens when the latching for one reason or the other doesnt work and the guy is back to the demand market..

now the funny (sad? ironic?) relationship scene that I've -perhaps unwillingly- become part of have introduced a new hook-up methodology:

I proudly present the "Are you gonna eat this?" technique..

You know when you're out with a friend and they order some meat dish which comes with a side of broccoli or asparagus, something you really like, and you find them pushing it around the plate to make room for their meat eating rituals.. the typical reaction -if you two are close enough- and if you dont mind this, that you will go like "are you gonna eat this?" and you'll just go on picking the food from their plate..

This is exactly what I am talking about.. your friend leaves her food (or -lets admit it- sometimes the "food" leaves her), and you find yourself eyeing it with thoughts of -for lack of a better term- hunger.. going like "hmm it doesnt look too bad, ok so she took a bite but so what, its not like she bit it off, she used a knife and all.. and after all its not so soaked with the sauce, and it didnt get too cold to eat it yet.. I think I am going to have it, better than it being thrown away"...

the friend's reaction would now be:
1) But I was going to eat it: suddenly she becomes a fan of the broccoli she was _just_ dissing!

2) How can you have the broccoli that turned ME down: we start the drama-queenish act of "how can you do this to me after what broccoli did to me", "didnt you know I love broccoli", etc etc.. you need to really a) love the broccoli or b) be desperately hungry, to go with this knowing she will give you this attitude

3) Go ahead, have it: you need to watch out for the tone of this one because it can be sarcastic, bitter, or sincere, based on the friend's relation with broccoli in particular, and other vegetables in general.. it can be summarized in:

a) it tasted funny and I was throwing it away anyway: the bitter or cynical tone can mean she is either too proud to say she wants her broccoli, or that she really doesnt want it but still feels bad about someone else having it, or

b) I wasnt going to have it, and you know what broccoli is like, so if you still want it, be my guest: ideally, that would be the best case scenario.. but ok, it rarely happens! :D

Ideally, you shouldve ordered your own broccoli if you liked it so much.. but as someone once told me "it shouldnt have been this way but that's the way things are"... hmmm, I think I will go off veggies for a while then.


and this concludes my theory..

N.

p.s. thats my very first blog template.. is it more readable? do you even care?

magic phrase

... and how can I not smile when I hear it?

hahahahhaha

Self-diagnosed

So I've been diagnosed: Wanderlust..

Oh so thats whats wrong with me? What gives me the dreamy look whenever an old dream surfaces? this drifting, this dissatisfaction, this feeling that there must be more to it than this..

I called up my friend and asked him, "do you sometimes get the feeling that you're not doing what you should be doing, what you're destined to do?" he said a simple and direct no.. I was like "are you sure? It doesnt happen at all?" he repeated his answer and I said "ummm, well, it doesnt like happen to me like that but sort of.. you know, never mind" and I hang up (thinking "even you? but you, you're like _real_ you know! how come you dont feel it?")

Steve Jobs said "Stay hungry, stay foolish" to a graduating class as his advice for pursuing what they love.. but till when? when can i declare that it is time to move on, or it is time to settle..

one end in mind, many many routes to get there.. so far i've chosen the scenic path over the highway.. even when the scenery wasnt always pleasant.

Thirteen

7adeeth Qudsi

ويح ابن آدم يذنب الذنب فيستغفرني فاغفر له ثم يعود فيستغفرني فاغفر له، ويحه لا هو يترك ذنبه ولا ييأس من رحمتي، أشهدكم يا ملائكتي أني قد غفرت له

Amazing our eternal optimism!

Relationship Theories - The Intro

I decided -based on my vast knowledge in the field (or lack of!)- to share with the cyber world a series of my relationship theories.. These theories are based on facts, fiction, fantasies, and purely subliminal ideas.. Situations shared hereinafter (i love this word!) in this and upcoming posts did not necessarily take place. Not in real life anyway!

--------------------

"You make my heart go slower", I said out of the blue. "Hmmm, shouldnt that be I make your heart beat faster?", he said, wondering at the way my mind works.. And I explained that this is _exactly_ the point! We are always waiting for the butterflies in stomach, sweep me off my feet, make my heart beat wildly kind of feeling.. Which is nice and beautiful and everything.. but it is an excitement that eventually wears off, or doesnt sustain the pressure, or whatever.. and I have realized that i'd rather have someone who'd slow down my heartbeats.. putting me in a state of inner peace, so that if/when they go, I am still at peace.


And this concludes my first Zen relationship theory.. Does it make any sense?

Blueberry Girl

*If I ever get a baby girl, I won't have a more beautiful prayer for her*

Ladies of Light, Ladies of Darkness,
and Ladies of Never-You-Mind,
this is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl;
First: May you ladies be kind.
Keep her from spindles and sleeps at sixteen;
Let her stay waking and wise.
Nightmares at three, or bad husbands at thirty;
These will not trouble her eyes.
Dull days at forty, false friends at fifteen;
Let her have bright days and true.
Let her go places that we've never been;
Trust and delight in her youth.

Ladies of Grace, and Ladies of Favour,
and Ladies of Merciful Night,
this is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl,
Grant her your clearness of sight.
Worlds can be worrisome, people complex;
Motives and manners unclear.
Grant her the wisdom to choose her path right,
Free from unkindness and fear.
Let her tell stories, and dance in the rain,
Somersault, tumble, and run;
Her joys must be high as her sorrows are deep,
Let her grow like a weed in the sun.

Ladies of Paradox, Ladies of Measure,
Ladies of Shadows-That-Fall;
this is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl,
Words written clear on a wall.
Help her to help herself, help her to stand,
Help her to lose, and to find.
Teach her we're only as big as our dreams,
show her that fortune is blind.
Truth is a thing she must find for herself,
precious, and rare as a pearl;
Give her all these, and a little bit more,
give this for a Blueberry Girl.


~ Neil Gaiman

The principle of reciprocity

Always phrase what you say so the answer will be "same here".

Cheesy Cute

مــــكانك في قلبـــي هو القلــــب كلــه *** فليس لشيء فيه غيرك موضع
و حطتك روحي بين جلدي و أعظمي *** فكيف تراني إن فقدتك أصـنع ؟

من شعر الحلاج

a bipolar wallflower

"And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing “unity”.

It’s like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you’re happy, too."

~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Importance of Being Real

no one knows the importance of being real more than someone who herself was going to turn unreal at some point.. transform from a little boy to a wooden Pinocchio and not the other way round..

The world is really nothing but a big Barbie house.. cute.

which reminds me..

"Over commit, under deliver"

I never thought I'd remember this and actually smile :)