Memory Dump..

But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
~ Dido, White Flag

I actually go out of my way a lot recently not to express frustration and disappointment.. Actually not necessarily so.. I am just forcing myself to be out of my comfort zone, almost all the time.. which is, as I discovered 2-3 weeks ago, in line with our corporate strategy for the year 0809: "Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable"

I now do like a friend used to tell me I should do, I just "smile, wave, and nod". Trying to act like the perfect Miss Congeniality, when all I want to do is to cuss and curse and beat the hell out of people, to "inflict physical pain" on certain people as I always say.. Someone used to say I am too well-bred to react to people, and I didnt agree, but now I am acting it..

On the other hand, in areas when I used to be decent and polite, I am pushy.. especially at work.. I give my best smile, but still I learned to take the alternative route, to get the support of someone influential on my side to push for what I want.. am not there yet, but on my way.. (mashallah i like it when i praise myself LOL)

I am learning to go back to taking myself, and everything around me lightly.. I even give people the SMILEY now!!!! (and if you know me well, you will know how it feels for me to give the smiley vs. the grin) ah and I even initiate closing the conversation now, since it is too frustrating when someone else shuts me off or ignores to reply, or -worse yet- give me the "OK" reply when I say something such as "I waited for you to send me the stuff".. So I now give close-ended messages that dont require a reply, ending with "yalla
have a great day, need to go bye" said all in one breath so they sound like "yallahaveagreatday,needtogobye" LOL


A person is starting to piss me off to no ends, EXTREMELY demanding.. I am really tired.. And you know what the problem is? I have been compromising for way too long.. And having the time to distance myself from her and think about it, I realized that all I got from her, was bad vibes and gossip that I shouldnt have known and that REALLY gave me a hard time.. Which is making me revisit the whole idea and question the motives behind that.. I understand more than I show, and I finally confronted with what I understood, and the person acknowledged.. I dont like manipulative people.. It just feels too mean, too unethical, and too unfair.. Trying to hide your own problems (or hide FROM them) by exploiting other people's problems is not a solution.. just stop the pretense and stop rubbing people's noses in their trouble.. no one enjoys a guilt trip.. So YES I initiated it and YES i want to stay away.. I am tired of putting an act for someone who didnt care to put up one for me..

I obsess about the little stuff.. I am all about the little stuff.. Does that make me shallow or insecure? Does that mean I dont relate to or understand the big stuff? No.. It is just part of my coping mechanism..

w eih kaman, ah, special note to Pinky:
I discovered that when you click on a certain label in blogger it wont necessarily bring ALL posts related to this label, it will bring according to page capacity.. The only way i know to bring all posts will be when I choose the label from my own account in the dashboard.. so i dont know how readers can do it.. if this is too technical for you, ask Brain to translate.. was really cool running into you and the sisters.. too bad we dont meet except every three years :D (bad for us, good from humanity)

I am now in Cilantro 26 July.. net wasnt working at work and the support model REALLY pissed me off so i left to work from out.. When i walked up, there were 2 ppl, an African American, she was sitting on one side of the couch, and a young Egyptian guy, still in uni. sitting across the room on the other side of the room... Interesting conversation took place and i couldnt help but overhear (i wasnt barmi wedn, i had to listen :))

From parts of the conversation:
the american woman, practiced law for 15 yrs.. now she travels around.. teaches business english and communication.. the guy asks her after all ur travels, whats the toughest culture you've been in, she says Egypt.. it's the different culture: letters look different, everbody looks the same.. at least in france i know the letters even if i dont know what they mean.. I liked her mentality.. She talked about taxis.. "It's ok to tell me he will charge me 20 pounds for a certain distance, it is his business after all, but whats NOT ok is to tell me he is charging me this amount because I am American and i have money".. She talks about gender issues "in your culture, most educated people, men particulary, they say they treat women equally.. but truth is, they dont.. when it comes down to it, they dont ask her her opinion.." She talks about relations, "they tell me why dont you be muslim.. get married.. you need a man".. She talks about teaching English.. "no one would really care if you use the correct grammar rules.. Americans dont know good grammar, they dont know what subjonctive is and they dont care.. Neither will your customers.. They will care about how well you present yourself to them, not if you use the right rules.. Your employer will want to see how you conduct yourself in an important presentation.."


My Secret: ...

Hole in the World

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

Time

there is this phrase that keeps playing in my head... it starts with something like only time will tell (or it needs time or sthg similar), and then the phrase I couldnt get out of my head "the problem with time is that it takes time"... Then it hit me that I think/feel I read it in Z's blog.. so i went there and searched for "it takes time".. I actually came across several interesting posts, and then the one I wanted.. I quote the part she quoted below.. Thank you ZaoZao..


"With everything that had happened, it would simply have been too soon. Elizabeth was correct: you do need time. The annoying thing about time is that it takes time . . . but no amount of it is too long to wait through when you're waiting to be sure. However much we might believe, and wish, it were true, you can't really be sure of what you feel however intensely and seriously and constantly you examine your thoughts and emotions. You can be really sure only by forcing yourself to wait: time alone can tell you what will last."

~ From "Love and Other Near Death Experiences"


P.S. after posting I realized I -unconsciously- even used the same title Z used! :)

The Notebook

I have a leatherbound notebook.. It was supposed to have lists of places I want to go, and things I want to do..


... one page is full, the rest are blank.. and I haven't ticked off any item.



...yet

Can I say something?

PostSecret
It has become a ritual: each Sunday, I check PostSecret, I save the postcard secrets that touch me (even if i dont relate to them), then I share one postcard and one secret of mine (or any personal fact) on my blog.. the one above is from a previous week's collection.. I like the fact that everyone interprets it in their own way, and you imagine whether it's a male or female who wrote it and how old.. It's more interesting (and less "gossip-y") than wondering about the lives and secrets of ppl you actually know.. and it's fun to sometimes relate these secrets to ppl you know... in this case I dont see the goodbye as in breakup, but maybe more like an irreversible goodbye.. a death maybe, or a permanent travel.. anyway..


Feist - Let it die
One of the best songs I've heard lately.. actually *the* best song I heard lately.. amazing lyrics, music, voice.. and very *very* descriptive..

"The saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending so much as the start"

Check it out @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob1CdTLDj10


The Formula
Once upon a time, a long time ago, from many many years, my friend asked me if I knew the magic formula for forgetting or getting over someone.. We thought of it a little, then a lot, and we kept brainstorming with factors and formulas that can affect how effectively you can get over it.. but I dont think we managed to get something.. some people can do it with math and numbers, others can't.. As I was telling another friend today in another context, logic and reason would tell you dont do this, but logic and reason have nothing to do with it :)


Life for Rent
Whenever I try to pursue my dreams and go after what I want with no distractions, something just pops out of nowhere to halt my plans.. my resolution: baby steps, baby steps :) I am resorting to my cocoon, which is a good thing.. And I am going back to doing what I really loved doing.. Someone recently told me "think of what you used to do on your own and enjoy doing, and just go ahead and do it.. you dont need company to enjoy your own company"..


Intuition
I simply know it sometimes.. You never believed I do but I do.. Funny thing is, in many of the cases I really wasnt fishing for any information.. it just lands in my lap, or hits me in the face, or whatever.. I just happen to be around when it happens..

- See? I told you I'm "telepathetic" ;)



... and my secret
Sometimes I preferred to appear as the paranoid crazy b*, than let out the source of my information or appear as a victim..

Another Lonely Day

(dont go making assumptions.. i just discovered this song and i love it.. it means nothing more)

Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Jennies & Forrests

Prologue
The following is part of what a friend of mine wrote yesterday.. For once, I didnt feel the urge to fix or edit grammar and/or spelling. Thank you MROTHM for that. Readers, enjoy.

Jenny
Forrest Gump: Will you marry me?
[Jenny turns and looks at him]
Forrest Gump: I'd make a good husband, Jenny.
Jenny Curran: You would, Forrest.
Forrest Gump: ...But you won't marry me.
Jenny Curran: [sadly] ... You don't wanna marry me.
Forrest Gump: Why don't you love me, Jenny?
[Jenny says nothing]
Forrest Gump: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is.

Very touching, isn't it?
Every one of us has his own Jenny, be it man or a woman it doesn't matter, it’s applicable to all.

Our Jennies represent our cordial love needs; they’re all we ever wanted and we will keep comparing each and every single one we meet along the way until we’re sick and tired and ready to settle for a compromise (or maybe not ready, just too tired to look any harder) .
That is – of course – if you’re not lucky enough to be with your Jenny in the first place, a case – I must say – that rarely happens.

(I’ll use “her” when I refer to Jenny from now on as you must understand by now she can be a he.)

So what exactly is the definition of someone’s Jenny?
Well, Jenny is simply the one that is sitting in the back of your head. Invisible to all but you; yet you might not recognize her when you see her, or you might. She represents all your desires, all that you ever wanted, might resemble a long lost childhood lover that you might’ve lost or never had in the first place. You know her very well, she lives in the same world you go to when you’re spat out of the world you live in. She’s imaginary but she’s beautiful. She’s imaginary but you love her. She’s imaginary and you wish you could dream her into your real world, the same world that spat you out.
Well, too bad you can’t do that.

Jennies are like mermaids; everyone knows how they look like although no one has really seen one but the legend is too strong to ignore. Too strong that one might look for decades until he finds himself one or die trying. And you know what; I think those who find themselves a mermaid must be the source of the legend.

So you see shiny happy people sometimes and you think “did they find their Jennies? They must’ve” and then you construct a whole world on that stupid conclusion.

You live, walk, eat, drive, work, sleep believing that you might find her someday, well, good for you. It’s very nice to believe in something and hang on to it. But let me ask you a little question what happens if you someday ran into your long sought-for Jenny and she’s with someone else? Or worse, you’re not her Jenny?

You think I’m being a heartless bastard? Well, I’m sorry but it happens all the time.

So what happens? You either convince yourself she’s not you’re Jenny or you can start the why whirlpool… Why am I rejected? Why am I able to give and she’s not? And you find yourself listening to things you shouldn’t be listening to; things that are bad for your already bruised mental health; things like Radiohead’s Creep and Kean’s Hamburg Song. And you start getting melancholic ideas of the “if only” type. If only I looked different, felt different, thought different, had a different sense of humor, maybe a little more sophisticated, a little more gifted…well guess what, whish granted, you’re a totally different person now and she’s not you’re Jenny anymore, silly. She’s belongs to the skin you’ve left behind.

It’s a big problem, isn’t it? So what’s the point? The point is we all have our Jennies, we all cherish them, love them and would bleed ourselves dry for them.

Who are those Jennies? The truth is – like a friend of mine has encrypted it on my desk - : “they are nothing but a distorted reflection of a normal person on a blind old mirror”

So indulge in the idea sometime but eventually you have to – please – stop crying your heart out.


Epilogue
Thank you again dear writer for being such a dear friend.. I hope your muse turns from statue to human. And I only wish I were my Jenny's Jenny..

47 - II

Screaming at the top of my lungs, but no sound coming out.. in a soundproof invisible bubble..

All apologies

What else should I be
All apologies

What else could I write
I don't have the right

What else should I be
All Apologies

I wish I was like you
Easily amused

Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault

I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezer burn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

All in all is all we are


note to Duke and Mayo: and then he goes "maaaaaary, maaaaaaary" ;)

tongue tied

I wish I had enough words.

someone else's secret

Amazing what people can say when no one but the universe is listening..

Buh..

First things first.. I lost my work notebook.. if you have seen me work before then you know what this notebook means to me: EVERYTTHING.. I'd rather lose my... well i dont like losing stuff so i cant think of anything i'd rather lose.. but still.. I am usually "glued" to my stuff, so its weird that i lost it, and the only option i can think of is leaving it in a meeting room after my training so i shouldnt have lost it really..

so what does this notebook have? well, simply 6 months of REALLY mapping everything i know and find out to this place.. 6 months of questions, answers, notes, to do's, ideas, discoveries, and business processes.. I am trying my best so as not to come to terms with the loss, because the magnitude is HUUUUUUGE.. am trying to pretend or convince myself I have it all in my head (yeah right!), in email (try to sort thru 200 Megs of info), or that it's already been worked through and now is the time to start over new tasks from scratch... the thing is, since i cant find it, I am feeling VERY discouraged to work.. I have some important deadline next week, and between losing my notebook, getting stuck in a 3-day trng a week ago, and being in the dept and corporate offsite this last week, i didnt get ANY work done for almost 2 weeks!!! funny thing is, I still hope to find it :) Me and my meaningless optimism and happy endings..

Speaking of which, I was recently telling a friend the story of Voltaire's Candide.. "all is for the best in this best of all possible worlds".. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candide)

It's pathetic really, and funny, and cute (at least to me), how this stupid optimism rules the life of someone who can sometimes be very dark and even -if i may- insecure.. the combination of optimism, insecurity, darkness, and even sometimes nakad, is really lethal..

more about last 2 weeks later..

hmmmmm..... I want to run away from it all..

Seeing Me

So, there goes.. I made a discovery: I am both much worse and much better than I thought I was.. I always thought I was better and worse than what YOU think but to discover am much worse that what I think was what i like to call an eye-opener...

I stayed overnight thinking it all over, the trials and turbulations (?) of it all...

el moshkela, eno what am worse at is much more impactful (if there is such a word) than what am good at... I am very deceived..

Sunday Secret: the secret I related to the most was there this week.. And I can't find it in my heart or mind to share it openly..

At last: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

p.s. Yes, every postcard I share here has some implication...

Yo-Yo

... So the master said, "men are rubber bands, women are like waves"

In men, it is the process of getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. In the woman, it is that at the peak of the wave, she is feeling really good, but suddenly her mood may change and her wave will come crashing down. This crash is temporary. After she hits bottom, her mood will shift again and she will again feel good about herself. Her wave rises up again and the cycle continues. This is what what the know-it-all, relationship expert, John Gray said..

Enough jibber-jabber.. so bravo, men and women are different.. the enlightenment of a century :)

I dont feel like talking.. or writing or what have you.. I am sleepy and tired and bored and have to finish 2 weeks of work in 2 days (well they became one day now), just because am a poor planner and didnt have the foresight to plan for it over the last 2 weeks..


Sunday Secret (just because): Sometimes when I am with you, when you're not looking, or when I think of you, I keep mouthing "Thank you" and "elhamdulelah"..



p.s. the "you"s I address throughout my posts are not always to the same person.. Sometimes it's even a person who won't read it.. If "you" think it's addressed at YOU, then maybe it is..