Hyperventilating

it's very very easy to suffocate me.. to make me feel trapped, consumed.. I suddenly feel shackled, not by people, but by life.. by circumstances..


I feel stuck.

Serenity

I spend a lot of time worrying about the happy ending that I forget to enjoy the happy middle.. Once the ending was predetermined, and even though it was not "happy", I learned to enjoy the middle.. Regardless of the ending, anything is better. "Starting from nothing, you got nothing to lose."

No need to worry about happy endings no more.. I am content.

p.s. it's not that I dont want it, it is that I dont pursue it.. Let time fight the fight

Cliff

Always on the edge.. never falling off, never backing off.. hanging by a thin (yet strong) thread..

Any movement, any touch will make me fall, but I am kept on edge all the time.. provoked..

And the problem is: I enjoy it!

Key Learnings :D

• I am a slow learner
• I eventually know ALL the answers, just when it's a little too late
• I am starting to go back to my old self, something I've been missing
• I didnt become secretive, I am only learning (from Jeremy Clarkson thanks to Duke) what to share and what to keep
• Unlearn, learn, relearn :)
• It is only when I stopped expecting that I started receiving..
• For the first time, I realized that being me wouldve saved me. Instead I was trying to be someone else, someone whom I "thought" would be better/more cunning/more practical/wiser than me.. I was wrong..
• Contrary to common sense, I am happy!

"If I tell you something weird... will you think I'm crazy?" ~ Helena in "Mirrormask" movie

Benefit of Doubt or Doubting the Benefit

Doubting the Benefit
I love giving people the benefit of doubt.. not ALL people, but people who mean something to me. Having said that, I must admit that this benefit of doubt thing doesnt come for free. It comes with me needing the other to acknowledge me giving them this benefit.. not to rub it in your face for sure.. but i just need you to know that I know this and I know that, and I choose the better option.. once this is done, khalass.. i dont bring it up again..

Now, thinking that you will give me a taste of my own medicine, here is what you do.. I tell you something that you totally dont buy, so you go and tell me "I dont believe you, but i will give you the benefit of doubt" !! Just the fact that you told me "i dont believe you" eliminates any doubt of the benefit of doubt thing... walla eih??

You seriously dont believe I do that.. however, you should know that for everything 10 things i doubt, there are a 100 i block.. Yes, I _am_ a hard headed crazy psychotic woman! (and yes i know you only agree with the crazy psychotic part!).. mashi ya 3am ;)


The Storyteller
"So do you like children?" the 12-yr old girl asks me.. "No, I just love books." I replied with a grin.. This was in my storytelling event on Friday.. I enjoyed it more than they did, and I realized I really have a thing for Dr. Seuss!! but given our culture, then i either need to look for another equity, or just think of a different audience..


The Extra Helpful Waiter
Scene I: I walk in, I am on the phone, I stand in front of the display picking something to eat.. The waiter comes by and keeps mouthing "asa3dek f 7aga?" silently so as not to disrupt my call.. I totally miss what he's trying to say and in the end I hang up to see what he has to tell me!!

Scene II: I am engulfed in my little universe.. earphones on, music very loud, just to block everything around me.. The waiter passes by.. stands in front of me.. I pretend not to notice but he persists.. he keeps gesturing at me until i finally look up.. he asks me if the order is ok :D I fight the temptation to reply, "well, it was ok until you asked!" and instead i give a polite smile and yes it's perfect, and that is that..


My Secret
Sometimes I pretend to be picky and demanding because I want to reject before being rejected..


Epilogue
The Question: "Will that make you change your idea about me?"..
The Answer: "No dear, it will make me confirm my idea about you."

How Perceptive..

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

~ "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65

Following my Fish

Am trying to float.. its not always easy but am learning..

Just let it pass you by, every single time.. "eventually" someone will catch the drift and make it all right again..

I'm exercising my willpower a LOT lately!

Silent all These Years

I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling


~Tori Amos

Sans Souci - II

so what if I still do?

Sans Souci

you know whats cool about the above card: I was told almost the same thing yesterday.. about not being judgemental, about being kind(er).. el moshkela eno "ya 7aram" I always thought I was tolerant and non-judgemental.. I still think I am, but i just express my thoughts more openly than you..


just this morning, i called H because I remembered something hilarious that happened when we used to work together.. She wrote this document that we circulated among each other for review.. for some reason, we really critiqued the document harshly and almost turned it all upside down.. so when she comes to open it, i am trying to break it down for her and prepare her for it so i go like "listen.. dont be discouraged or alarmed by the fact that all the document will appear to be red in tracked changes and full of comments.. no no, only 2 comments were negative but the rest of them were "7elwa AWI AWI AWI".. she looks at me blankly for 10 seconds then goes like "and she said that? She said "merci ya H el document di 7elwa awi awi awi?" and we burst laughing for 10 mins.. there goes N when she tries to bluff, I tend to go overboard sometimes lol..


Two words that mean the world to me, "I understand".. Even if I thought you didnt, I give you -what was the phrase?- benefit of doubt ;)


Sunday Secret: 2 weeks ago, she put everything in perspective.. she gave me my Total Perspective Vortex. I can never be thankful enough.. Thank you for sharing, for knowing, for carrying all this weight.. Only you and I know what it's like.. and in switching our approaches, we both have found liberation..

On my own..

Thank you for reminding me of the good times I can have on my own.. and thank you for reminding me of things I enjoy not on my own.. my little pleasures :)

It's good to know, and it's good to share... the illusion of companionship.. :)

All I want is someone to believe..

When I'm deep inside of me
don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothing while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one I depend upon



p.s. I understand now what it meant. I am slow not stupid :)

I am..

Let the records show that I am thankful..

knowing my vital statistics inside and out :D (with an error margin of 10-15%)

Cracking the Shells of Crème Brulee’

So, when did I stop enjoying life's simple pleasures? I used to be like that.. yesterday I had a very nice crème brulee (borleih!!) and as soon as I got it, I cracked the shell with the spoon, just like Amelie likes doing (I like it when it's a hard shell not just a sprinkle of sugar). I commented on that, and my friend said she doesn't want to hear about her anymore :D (probably she hears about her a lot from A, because I never talked abt her before!)
Anyway.. it has been a week of secrets.. sharing.. giving and receiving secrets.. an eye-opening self-baring feeling..

One last note:
I cannot help it.. I plan and mastermind and plot and decide, and then it all crumbles down to pieces, and I am left there: just me.. plain and simple me.. well, maybe not so simple, but ME. Not because I cannot, but because I do not want to. And not because they "seem to have this effect on people"! Being myself with you is the most liberating experience..

My secret: "I am learning all about my life by looking through [your] eyes" ~Dream Theater

Thelma and Louise

.... this movie totally blows me off my mind! something about it just attracts me..

the start, the escape, the road trip, and the great great great ending..

Today I get this feeling and I express it, she felt it too.. Let's leave it all behind!

in a '66 Ford Thunderbird convertible..