100,000 Fireflies..

I have a mandolin
I play it all night long
It makes me want to kill myself
I also have a dobro
Made in some mountain range
Sounds like a mountain range in love
But when I turn up the tone
On my electric guitar

I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me
I went out to the forest and caught
A hundred thousand fireflies
As they ricochet round the room
They remind me of your starry eyes
Someone else's might not have made me so sad
But this is the worst night I ever had
'cause I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me

You won't be happy with me,
But give me one more chance
You won't be happy anyway

Why do we still live here
In this repulsive town?
All our friends are in New York

Why do we keep shrieking,
when we mean soft things?
We should be whispering all the time...

The Empire in my Mind..

Positive Discharge
This whole positive attitude thing might wear off sooner or later.. and then what? I will be the real me? and the problem with that is what exactly? We claim "we" are sick of playing games.. We agree on honesty and integrity and -most importantly- transparency.. Yes I know I have what I call "emotional dump" sometimes.. I throw all what I feel and what I know and what I like and what I want, I throw it all your way.. Yes it's a lot, but I assumed ("ah! assumed" you would say.. "you know what assume makes, dont you?").. Anyway.. I expect that you'd at least communicate dissatisfaction with the emotional dump, no? It doesnt really matter now, because khalass its Little Miss Sunshine and only her that you'll find..


What Would N Do
So I have been challenging myself to go out of my comfort zone a LOT (at least in my standards!).. and based on recent findings and a series of unfortunate events, I devised a new approach in the last couple of weeks: in any "questionable" situation, I ask myself, "What would N do?" and then I go ahead and NOT do it.. Yes, I just force myself to do something else instead! So far, it's been working for me.. I am internalizing a lot.. I am adopting a positive attitude.. I am trying to be light.. to just "float" instead of being this enormous mass of intensity... N would've sent a fireback message? I wont.. N would be upset? I'd be cool about it then.. N would pursue? I would let go.. N would let go? I would pursue.. N wouldnt play games? Well, I still wouldnt play games either.. Thats the one thing I cant give up on.. I am REAL.. thats the _one_ thing I got.. and without it, I am really nothing..


The 10th Season
You know whats funny? How we know about happy endings.. there is no clear line that tells you "this is an ending.. assess status here".. I mean we just assume it's a happy ending, or because this couple gets married, or because the guy finds a job or because whatever.. we dont pursue it further to see what happens next; do they live in marriage hell? Does he get fired? we never know.. We just assume that if the show's tenth season ends beautifully, then it's a happy ending... Well, in life there is no such thing, because even though i was missing my tenth season, i had my own ending written in my head for it.. giving me the missing CD would only confirm my doubt: no such thing in life as a happy or a sad ending except in our heads.. it goes on..


The Elevator People
I've been thinking about that.. those little cameras in the elevator.. these people who see me every single day, all through my trips.. they watch everything.. they watch how i squeeze myself in the elevator left corner and stand tip-toed when the elevator is full (always left corner, always tip-toe!).. they watch how I dont like (avoid?) looking at the mirror and fixing myself up like almost all other girls.. They watch how we enter apart, and exit together (meet me @ elevators in 2 mins.. i hate passing by people's desks to pick them up for a coffee break).. I used to joke about it.. I used to say that the elevator people see everything and know everything.. They will be the first to know, I used to say.. I used to wonder how much they've seen... they will know if you're lying or cheating, they will be the first to know.. They will notice how you stand silently together in front of people and resume talking when they get out.. and they will see how you will later talk in front of people and drop silent when they leave.. They will see the bare highs and lows.. stripped down from pretense and acts...

You will want to hide it from everyone
.... but the elevator people know.


The Note
And I opened my notebook, and I saw the note that I'd forgotten, and my mind went -blank-. Just completely blank.. and my heart missed a beat or two.. I didnt count because I couldnt, for a split second the time stopped.. It was simply sad.. It was so raw, so pure, so true.. and i still believe it.


Nothing Else Matters
(for two days I've been hearing this song over and over again.. must've heart the following part alone like 30 times in the past couple of days!)
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know


Amélie
I just watched "Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain" again.. not all of it but like its second half (was aired on TV).. this movie is simply beautiful..

"Quand le doigt montre le ciel, l'imbécile regarde le doigt."

"Vous n'avez pas des os en verre, vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette."

Going nowhere fast..

"You know what the problem is?" And this is how I start my talk.. "you know what really bugs me?" or "you know whats the worst thing?".... And then I am told "No, I actually dont know whats the worst thing, because you always refer to something that way.. you always start your talk by this, so I dont know whats the worst thing"... But then again, in my defense, I also start my talk asking you if you know whats the best thing, or if you know what makes me happy, and it turns out to be something you say or do! So they balance out, cancel each other, dont they?

I freaked out when I first heard the song.. I said "going 'somewhere'? why? who put this idea and why? was it something I said or did? Am I sending the wrong signals?"

I freaked out but I believed, and because I believed I trusted.. And I tried.. Thinking back I cant remember how or how much, but I feel I did..

Change of topic... She used to tell me I dont know what I want, but I know what I *don't* want.. you take everything, you chip out what you dont want, and you're left with many ideas for what you want, but you're still lost.. "But you're mistaken", I reply, "I know what I want but I just don't like sharing it!" Why? Do you fear people will mock it when they know it? No, but I just dont like sharing it because I dont like people measuring me against it..

I am my own harshest judge, I really dont cut myself any slack.. Even if I sometimes pretend otherwise. Even if I pretend to victimize myself. Even if I pretend to go really soft on me.. I dont.. I judge myself really really harshly, and on all fronts... So I dont want to add to this any more judgement from anyone.. She tells me I set my bar too low.. She says I am scared of letting people know what I'm capable of, and so I promise them (and myself) nothing.. But sometimes I get weak and I overpromise, then instantly regret it.. I try to set a low bar, so that I always pass it.. That's what she says, and thats what I dont agree with.. walla eih?

Am I as harsh on others as I am on myself? Harsher? More lenient? I really dont know.. I feel I demand too much of myself and of others, but I am more open to expressing what I demand of others.. hence, it's too much, or i am too demanding..

Sometimes I wonder about alternative states of (un)consciousness.. how would it feel? will it hurt? will it give me more clarity? Can I then see and hear what people really think? She will say that I am too obsessed with what people think, with what SHE thinks.. I deny it sometimes, and admit it others...

Sometimes I wonder about losing my memory (selectively?) and starting a new page.. "They" will know, but I won't.. and sometimes ignorance is really a bliss..


Maybe I _am_ a zebra dreaming of his blue mountain.. and i wonder if I will ever get there... right now, it doesnt seem possible anymore.. I cant find my tracks anymore..

47...

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky


It's funny.. if "funny" can be the correct word to mean a mixture of weird annoying silly sweet confusing nice right and wrong.. I was in Beirut for a day (again!) and i realized, i love this city.. people are really polite, nice, and respectful.. i wouldnt mind at all staying there for longer next time.. They are not the loud, negative, annoying, condenscending people we deal with here.. Everything is clean and nice.. and the fooooood.. the food :) if i lived here, i would never think of eating junk ever again.. its not only about the lebanese food (which i love!).. they have a lot of sushi joints, italian, international, etc.. the service is great.. the food is prepared with love.. yes i am a little over-reacting but you need a background (which i wont give)..

for one week before i travel, i have been living on coffee and painkillers alone with minimal food intake.. i arrived there @ 7 pm, was supposed to shower and go out, but instead i showered, sat in bed, ordered room service and watched Showtime Comedy.. soooo unlike my travelling behavior, but i needed my chillout time..

* 47 butterflies in my stomach.. 47 backup plans that dont work.. 47 faults to blame myself for.. or 47 steps of fortune? :)

*The three letters: MCV.. and my question always "and this one too was yours?" :)

...and I discovered that the answer to life, the universe, and everything is not forty-two like i used to think, but 47.. (i know.. it doesnt even make sense)

3adi ba2a.. I decided to build a shell, and be the cocoon..


What am reading these days:
I finally got over my reader's block with "Please Mr. Einestein"... a very very interesting read.. and i dont even like physics to start with.. but all this talk about relativity its really getting to my head.. i should be starting (and finishing) The Kite Runner soon for a book discussion.. but i dont know how that will go...


On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serait-ce possible alors ?

On me dit que l'destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Paraît que le bonheur est à portée de main
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Check it out @ http://youtube.com/watch?v=GsUlSvtziXU