Life is tough (or is it?)

(my 3 weeks+ post is still in the incubator or something.. anyway.. )

So... I've been discovering a number of facts about myself.. I started feeling guilty whenever i am having leisure time.. yesterday i decided to just relax and enjoy the day off.. i couldnt.. I mean i ended up not doing anything alright, but i couldnt fight the guilt, and the constant nagging feeling that there is still stuff to be done.. I called Du for reassurance, WRONG MOVE! For her, leisure doesnt exist.. we're always behind on some master plan.. If I manage to finish all my work, then i should study something.. if i work and study, then am not taking care of my health and looks, not drinking enough water.. if i do all this, then am falling behind in family obligations.. she scares me! and after all this, you must remember to take time off to pamper yourself.. I told her this way you will grow old very fast.. you will be at 40 yrs, having done what people do in 50 yrs.. She thinks its quite the opposite: you grow old with regret when u feel you couldve done better... She thinks that me feeling guilty when am not doing anything is actually a very good sign.. Crazy Woman! and i am turning into one myself..

I started getting more and more nuclear each day.. Its not that i isolate myself from people or things, but i try to limit my exposure to the external world.. i have my team, my friends, my stuff, my books, my ideas/hopes/dreams.. and i dont find myself obliged to share these with anyone.. I get scared away pretty easily... dont want anything or anyone to tie my down.. This is all coming to me in a time where i realize am getting old(er).. I miss being young, i miss being able to make silly mistakes and get away with the "she's still young" excuse.. I miss being impartial to everything, being open to life, and being willing to embrace differences...

I am getting too much input from everyone and everything around me.. from the time i wake up, i am bombarded with choices.. what to wear, how to go, when to go, what to do.. Then i go, need to remember places and people and dates and times.. need to plan and think, then execute.. too much input... The thing is, i need every inch of my limited brain power to use it in more useful stuff.. But its getting wasted... I need to block out external noise, and concentrate!

Passing by university alwaya fills me with a mixture of emotions.. nostalgic longing, dreamy hopes, and silent "what if"s.. in Cilantro Tahrir now, sitting in the balcony alone.. Nancy was with me but left off to her course more than an hour ago.. and am staying for a couple more hrs..

Hmmm.... what else.. i like winter.. and i dont like my recent blog posts.. i like having a "formed opinion about everything" as Du calls it.. being able to define the tiniest details and how i relate to them.. Defining life as an array of likes and dislikes.. and a biiiiiiiiiig grey area...

I need to take time off to think.. And I need to adapt to growing up :D