At times of profound confusion like these, I am looking for signs. Even signs that my own brain plays on me to make me believe. I go to a friend's blog, not to see the recent posts but to dig deeper into the holes of history, even before I knew her. Not for any reason except to find fragments of ourselves in others. For reverse solidarity. To look for clues elsewhere that can crack a puzzle I have the answer to. I also listen to music that would induce the right moods and thoughts. Adaweya is surprisingly too painful, or maybe not painful but rather very subjective, and why wouldn't he be! Mozart and Abdelwahab are the answer. Listening to Lacrimosa I hold back the tears. I wonder if somewhere in my head the definitions of strength and weakness or courage and fear got confused, because right now telling the difference is becoming increasingly difficult. In my head, I go through the exercise of splitting up the memories, what’s mine and what I should leave to the wind.
I think Sh is more talented than he believes. I think he is both better and worse than he thinks. But no matter how many times I have to say this, he still won't believe it until he's ready. He tries too hard and sometimes I want to tell him, like the puzzle, that the answer is simpler than he believes.
I am sleepy because I have been having dreams that exhaust me. Last week I dreamt it was my wedding in few days and I can't reach him! My dreams think it is funny to mock me like so!
I don't know if it is age or what, but I started in the last year specifically to focus on joy factor: I would rather stay hungry than eat something I do not like. And so on.
Also I was right to not trust people who tell me ya sett el kull without knowing me. I hate bullshit and bullshitters.
I think Sh is more talented than he believes. I think he is both better and worse than he thinks. But no matter how many times I have to say this, he still won't believe it until he's ready. He tries too hard and sometimes I want to tell him, like the puzzle, that the answer is simpler than he believes.
I am sleepy because I have been having dreams that exhaust me. Last week I dreamt it was my wedding in few days and I can't reach him! My dreams think it is funny to mock me like so!
I don't know if it is age or what, but I started in the last year specifically to focus on joy factor: I would rather stay hungry than eat something I do not like. And so on.
Also I was right to not trust people who tell me ya sett el kull without knowing me. I hate bullshit and bullshitters.
2 comments:
I take it the "sett el kul" dude still didnt deliver?!
Probably we create our own illusions. As long as you are not starving, don't swallow. But make sure you eat what you can tolerate; to eat before you become too hungry to be able to taste and recognise the flavours.
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