mute

I miss bonding, connecting, talking. He says I talk a lot. Said so in several occasions, some pleasant and meant as a teasing joke and some not so much. Truth is, I have not really talked for a long long long time. I share, I tell stories, I confide in people some very personal secrets, I give my uncalled for opinion, I judge, I reminisce... but I do not really talk anymore like I want to. I keep most vulnerabilities to myself. Most fears. I "smile, wave, and nod" more than anything, and I try to sense and feel. But I have stopped talking. I prefer to talk through sharing, art, songs, articles, quotes, creating a collage of other people's thoughts and creations to express what I feel.

I miss myself sometimes, but I am here with her all the time, and we're getting to know each other again and again.

Casablanca

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

don't forget to exhale

I am forever holding my breath.. forever thinking I should be somewhere else, doing something else.. People my age did this, people my age did that.. I did other things, but not this and that... and age? so what if I'm behind on this or that, or this AND that? what's a few years in a person's lifetime right? wrong? maybe? I reached the point of staying silent about my experiences. Dissociating myself from them. And the more I pretend to not know, the more I forget I know. A vicious self-fulfilling prophecy.

always holding my breath so hard, trying to focus that I don't lose grip... so much so that I end up focusing on the focus and not on the grip.

Even in gym classes, my biggest mistake is always forgetting to exhale.. inhale when you go up, exhale as you go down.. the harder part of the move is always the part where you should exhale. It helps you get through the move, they claim. I inhale, but I hold my breath and try, and try, and try.

I learned over time to reassure myself, instead of waiting for external reassurance. But it leaves me no energy to reassure the other then... but will it matter?

The future is gloomy, scary, so I ignore it. Until it looms over me and then I confront it and force the other to confront it. But I am always waiting on actions to react to, or reactions for my actions. Always waiting.

I think the only time I manage to let go, to breathe, is when I consciously meditate. I drift, floating slowly, becoming in sync with the rise and fall of my chest with every breath. The only time I intentionally choose not to think, but just to "be".

Be here. now.
in the moment.
become aware.
become present.

Stephane, Stephanie... click clack

How could I have missed the Stephanie reference? or did I get it and pretend not to? I forgot. I miss in-betweens.