equal in magnitude, opposite in direction

I don't know which is worse: to forget you, or to NEVER forget you.

Amertume

Amour indéfinissable! Dieu de la nature! Amertume dont rien n’est plus doux, douceur dont rien n’est plus amer. Monstre divin qu’on ne peut définir que par des paradoxes.

~ Casanova

missing Delirium

DEATH: Del...? That's not for eating. I think it's a table decoration.

DELIRIUM: It's nice. It tastes a bit like forever. I like the way colors taste. Except I don't like crimsons... or turquoises... especially when they put their heads into their shells and won't play. And when you break their shells to let them out, they die...

DEATH: That's turtles, dear. Or tortoises.

DELIRIUM: I think it's turquoise.


~ Neil Gaiman, Sandman series, Chapter Three: In Which We Wake

November 18: Pour Vous

Exactly one year ago, I did something I wanted to do since I joined my current work (i.e. for 2 years before that date). I walked from my office to Zamalek. It was during some hotshot soccer match so the streets were perfectly deserted, and I had an enjoyable stroll with my friend (because I wouldn't cross the corniche to take a cab).

The memory is nothing, or ya3ni not much.. The reason I remember the date is that this date (November 18) is a date I have always noted, for reasons that make no sense to anyone now, but that made some sense to me more than 10 years ago. The fact that this lovely incident took place on that particular date is the only reason I remember when it happened..

And so on that rooftop, over some shared spring rolls, a cup of Turkish coffee, a glass of tea, and a shisha, many stories were told and an interesting friendship was born. Interesting would even be an understatement!

I also remember I was freezing, but too proud (shy?) to admit it.

Concrete Proof of (In)Sanity

I was thinking recently of the reason behind all this, what I write and share here.. I am not entirely a private person, not to my close ones and not to all details, however, I find it a bit "cheap" to share deep and private emotions over a blog for anyone (not worthy enough!) to read.. I realize am a bit judgmental (cheap, not worthy, yes!)..

And this thinking led me to some conclusions.. I do like sharing, but I do not always like relating. I realized, therefore, I was doing this for me. I was doing this to have some concrete proof of my (in)sanity. Taking snapshots of my life. Not necessarily as it is but as it appears to be. Chosen recorded moments, over a span of almost 6 years now. Impressive..

A lot has changed.. Going back and reading, sometimes I don't even understand what made me write something or the other.. Sometimes I even forget that I felt this way about something or someone.

The frequency of posts is proportionate (directly or inversely I don't need to tell!) to the intensity of actions and feelings..

It is like spying on myself from outside my head. I find that amusing! The happiness, the bitterness, the nostalgia, the anger, the cynicism, and -occasionally- the temporary peace..

My concrete proof of sanity.. this time without the doubting parentheses.

تذكرة بانتحار غير مكتمل

موت ثان


حين تعثرون على الجسد
إعملوا له شاهدا من أحمر يليق
وانقشوا عليه
...ولما فرح"
...ضوَى
"فلم يخطئه الردى

..bein el gamar wel thoraya..

ودي صالحة يا صلوح يـــا شمعة القلب والروح
ومنيـــــن آجي واروح وأنا على الفرش مطروح
يا بنــــــــــــات الهنود يا راخييــــــــــن العدايب
وما ترحموا العليـــــل اللي على فرشه نايـــــــم
وافرشوا له سريــــــر ما بين القمر والثريـــــــا
وارموني في بيــــرَكُم وماورد رشوا عليّــــــــا
وماورد رشوا عليّــــا ردوا عليــــــــــا ثيــــابي
خبير دوايــا انا عندكم ولا تحرموني شبـــابــي
يـــــــا ابو محمد سعيد يـــــــا ابو المشالي تلاتة
كيف جرحك لم يطيب والعطر تحت الوســــادة
هيلا هيلا هيلا يلـــــلا آه ياسلام
يا حبيبي باحبك تعالالي آه يا سلام
اتمشى اتمشى وارجع تاني آه يا سلام
ياما سهرنا ع اللوز لاخضر
وبقيت انا املى يا عيني والحلو يشرب
طب هيلا هيلا هيلا يللا آه يا سلام
يا حبيبي باحبك تعالالي آه يا سلام
اتمشى اتمشى وارجع تاني آه يا سلام
وانا اسأل الله كريم يحنن
يا رب حنن يا عيني قلبه عليا
طب هيلا هيلا هيلا يللا آه يا سلام
يا حبيبي باحبك تعالالي آه يا سلام
اتمشى اتمشى وارجع تانى آه يا سلام
مين ف المُحبة المُحبة يعذر
غير اللي جرب يا عيني شاف العذاب أشكال والوان

~ a Tanbura folklore song, and memories of downtown

On Choices

"It will hurt less if you didn't have to choose."
"No it won't. If I will choose, it will be a deliberate choice. Deliberate choices don't hurt."


This has to be the understatement of the year.

...and in front of my eyes is this

... Il est pareil aux dieux, l'homme qui te regarde,
Sans craindre ton sourire, et tes yeux, et ta voix,
Moi, je tremble et je sue, et ma face est hagarde
Et mon cœur est aux abois...
La chaleur et le froid tour à tour m'envahissent ;
Je ne résiste pas au délire trop fort ;
Et ma gorge s'étrangle et mes genoux fléchissent,
Et je connais la mort...


~ Sappho