Persistence of Memory

Winter, Zamalek, Cilantro, green tea with mint, Souad Massi, and myself.

Time changes nothing.

Prière à Saint Nicolas

Ô vous qui êtes notre protecteur, du milieu des périls nous crions vers vous. Ô patron bien-aimé, venez a notre secours, tendez vers nous votre main secourable, éloignez le danger, montrez encore votre puissance et gardez-nous sains et saufs.
Vous arbitre de paix, vengeur des infortunes imméritées, ambassadeur des malheureux auprès de Dieu, souvenez-vous de nous dans le Ciel où vous habitez avec les Anges, et soyez notre defenseur infatigable et chaleureux.
Saint Nicolas, notre Patron, bénissez et protégez nos chers paroissiens et tous les fidéles qui se confient a vous.


[Saint Nicolas Church - Bruxelles. I was passing by it and felt the overwhelming urge to go in and light a candle, it was closing time and the "guard" was shooing people outside but the Pere yelled at him something along the lines of you shouldnt kick people out of the house of God, and he was nice enough to let me wander around. I did that two days in a row, and I thought of two very dear people who would've understood what it meant and the spirituality of it all. This prayer was close to the candles.]

Extraordinary

prologue: Weirdly, I find this to be one of the happiest songs in my life :) I am writing a long combo post..

She's an Extraordinary girl
In an ordinary world
And she cant seem to get away

He lacks the courage in his mind
Like a child left behind
Like a pet left in the rain

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She sees the mirror of herself
An image she wants to sell
To anyone willing to buy

He steals the image in her kiss
From her hearts apocalypse
From the one called whatsername

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
Some days it's not worth trying
Now that they both are finding
She gets so sick of crying

She's an Extraordinary girl


~ Green Day, Extraordinary Girl

numb

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

certain kinds of people

I'm leaving here
Getting out of this place
Leaving here
Getting out of this place
Only certain kinds of people
Can take these things

Get up in the morning
I'm paying my bills
Watching a storm cloud form over the hills
It appears I was waiting for my old self

I don't know what I'm made of
Or where from I came
Don't even seem to remember my name
Or why the ghost's alive in this cave

They say she's on the run
It's over, it's over, it's over, it's over
And thought then can turn action
And I dig, and I dig, and I dig, and I dig

'Til my head is so sick and so clear

I'm leaving here
Getting out of this place
Leaving here
Getting out of this place
Only certain kinds of people
Can take these things

I'm tired and lost and feeling blown
Running around in a field, just out of my skull
How will I ever find my way home?

Get up in the morning
I'm paying my bills
Watching a storm cloud form over the hills
It appears I was talking to my own self

They say she's on the run
It's over, it's over, it's over, it's over
Then thought turns into action
And I dig, and I dig, and I dig, and I dig

'Til my head is so sick and so clear

I'm leaving here
Getting out of this place
Leaving here
Getting out of this place
Only certain kinds of people
Can take these things

I'm tired and lost and feeling blown
Running around in a field, just out of my skull
How will I ever find my way home?


~ British Sea Power, How Will I Ever Find my Way Home

The Perks of Being a Wallflower... the beginning..

Dear friend,

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don't try to figure out who she is because then you might figure out who I am, and I really don't want you to do that. I will call people by different names or generic names because I don't want you to find me. I didn't enclose a return address for the same reason. I mean nothing bad by this. Honest.

I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.

I think you of all people would understand that because I think you of all people are alive and appreciate what that means. At least I hope you do because other people look to you for strength and friendship and it's that simple. At least that's what I've heard.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.


~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Deep inside.. under the effect of feva

When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you


I am under the effects of a high fever and 3 months of pent up stress.. i havent had a decent cry out in so long.. almost 3 months or so, weird huh? instead i keep all these toxins deep inside of me, or i try to get it out thru some healthy outlet.. now that am under the mental state am in, my head is boiling from the heat, the taste of pure water makes me sick, and my "skin" hurts.. really this is beyond the "eveyryone in my body feels broken" feeling.. my SKIN is really hurting to the touch, and i feel a numbness all over.. was coming home with A when i started shivering uncontrollably all over... and the funny thing is, i know that chances are, i will almost back to normal tomorrow.. thats why i dont have credibility when am sick, sickness doesnt "stick" to me somehow.. or i dont let it. to which am grateful.. but now since my skin hurts, my head hurts, my BRAIN hurts, and my heart, insides all hurt hurt.. After i started talking out loud to imaginary ppl in the room (in full awareness that am doing in but cant stop it!), then i started calling up ppl who would talk me to sleep, another failure so i decide to get the toxins out on paper, now that am that far, i dont feel like going on.. am listening to the song am using throughout the post over and over and over again...


disclaimer: i dont commit to making sense..


Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cuz I live to be
Deep inside of you

Today i cried, not for long tho.. for just an eeny little while, a couple of minutes.. probably thought i was taking down my fever by getting it out of my tear ducts.. anyway, i thought, i decided, and i cried.. hoping i would cry myself to sleep.. didnt work.. i turned off the fone, sthg i rarely do and i put it away, because i didnt wanto call.. somehow it feels "wrong" now, before it seemed foolish, now it feels wrong.. funny, given the circumstances :) i "shouldnt" feel guilty for wanting to call, but again what should and what is are rarely related with me!


You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them


i made a curse.. really.. i made a crazy voodoo curse, i drew it on a napkin and hoped it would take it all away, but i think i reversed the curse or something..


And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you


i need to go back now to my happy place inside my head..