... and then she said

"At that moment I know I am half woman, half child. That a portion of me conceals a child who loves to be amazed, to be taught, to be directed. When I listen, I am a child, and [he] becomes paternal."

and then after I wrote it, I remembered it was quoted before me!


and then more thoughts:

"I feel wind blown. I look younger. I do not try to be the femme fatale. It is useless. I feel loved for myself, for my inner self, for every word I write, for my timidities, my sorrows, my struggles, my defects, my frailness."


I love her short sentences. Her simple words. Her lack of pretention.. I love her intensity, and it scares me at the same time.. It scares me how she handles this intensity.. yet she is not to be called promiscuous. But she is, isnt she? Her intensity also carries immaturity.. emotional immaturity.. inability to cut the cord.. insecurity.. needs to be reminded of how much she is loved and how much she loves..

77 years ago!

Some Flowers Bloom Dead

Weirdly enough, the song i quote a part of below cheers me up :) Very nice lyrics and music... "Now when I think of me, I think of somebody else instead".. Thanks Duke for Wallflowers :)


The way you make me feel
I could collapse
An epidemic I cannot outlast
How could you feel used
when I feel trapped?
ooooh as if it wasn't hard enough

And just as my conscience
starts to clear
I drag the river and you're still there
The way I bring you down
could not compare
ooooh as if it wasn't hard enough
You want to make it so much harder

Now in another world
I could learn to forget
But 'til then I'm here
making room for new regrets
Now some flowers they never bloom
But some flowers just bloom dead
Now some flowers they never bloom
And some flowers just bloom dead

The way I sleep
this bed just can't be made
I pull the covers up around my head
Now when I think of me
I think of somebody else instead
As if it wasn't hard enough
You're gonna make it so much harder

Now in another world
I could learn to forget
But 'til then I'm here
making room for new regrets
Now some flowers they never bloom
And some flowers just bloom dead

The Elephants in the Room and other short stories

Elephants in the Room
"So are we going to keep on ignoring the elephant in the room?", and he looks at me and asks "Elephants? What elephants?".. Why and how are people so good at ignoring elephants? Please tell me before i explode.. They "skirt around the danger zone but dont talk about it later" as Suzanne Vega puts it.. I -on the other hand- get so infuriated with this attitude that it provokes in me the totally opposite reaction.. you're looking the other way? I'll get it and rub it in your face.. i like acknowledging stuff.. i only hate it in one case: when its used to gloat or too remind someone of a weakness.. anyway enough about elephants.. i cant be pushing them up the stairs into the room, just to have them ignored..


Alone or Lonely
I came up with this realization.. that i really dont mind my company at all.. in fact, some of the best times in my life were when i was lone, wishing i had someone with me to share the beauty.. and yet, when someone is there, you overlook all the beauty around you, focusing on tiny details and inner workings of each other..
And she said, "you can never break your loneliness with a partner. Never. You learn to enjoy yourself. Really. No other option.".. Again, she's nailed it down.. and in very simple words too..


Untitled
* I started reading Anais Nin's "Henry and June" about her 'affair' with Henry and June Miller. It seems to be a "heshek-beshek" book as i'd call it.. but beneath that is real intense emotions..

* In the core of us saying "I am not judgemental", lies the worst judgement of all: believing that we are actually in a position to judge them.

* it's hard to dissociate.. and i am particularly lousy at it!

* When i am mad at something -no matter how trivial or how irrational-, never EVER tell me "you shouldnt be mad @ that" or "it makes no sense to feel this way".. do not invalidate my feelings.. you dont need to agree with them, just please dont invalidate them..

* I wish I could lie to people while looking them in the eye..


Nostalgie of the Day

It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.

And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
And The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs
Are the borders of our lives.