Stephane, Stephanie... click clack

How could I have missed the Stephanie reference? or did I get it and pretend not to? I forgot. I miss in-betweens.

Logical Fallacies

I am tormented annoyed by logical fallacies to no end. Since the day I learned about them at university, I decided that spotting (and avoiding them) is a passion of mine... for example, contrary to what they taught as in the Egyptian curriculum, saying phrases like "No one can deny the importance of..." or "Everyone agrees that..." is one of the most common fallacies we tend to fall into; the assumption that the other will agree with us, the assumption that we're on the right side, and the "other" is different or wrong or doesn't exist.. Hasty generalizations, they are called....

When I told my friend a couple of years ago "I don't do .... ", he laughed, and called it a categorical statement that I would get to look back at and take back. And in this, he was right.


more on fallacies and their interesting types: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logical_fallacy

Tired

I am tired.

I am tired of caring and of not caring. I am tired of pretending to care and equally pretending to be apathetic.
I am tired of wanting and needing. I am tired of doing and tired of being lazy.
I am tired of sensing and feeling and judging and forgiving and loving and making mistakes and fixing mistakes and justifying and explaining and understanding and fighting.
I am tired of reaching out and settling down and stepping up and moving on and paying back and showing up and making up and acting out.


I am perfectly fine, just tired. 

The Ugly Face of Happy Endings: Is Capitalism Brainwashing the Masses?

This was actually the title of a paper I wrote in a film course in my last year in uni. I don't remember everything about it, but I remember that I was comparing the rise of capitalism in the US and the effect of that on the film industry, how it portrayed capitalism as the solution to everyman's troubles, and the road to achieve the All-American dream. And part of the argument was to illustrate that -just like communism and other similar schools of thoughts- Capitalism was still using the mass media to brainwash people, albeit in a more subtle, and less sharp, way.

This comes to mind now because there is something I do not fully comprehend about the current World order. During the last period, I've been repeatedly thinking (and saying) that it is indeed a strange world that has so much money and wasted resources and yet has people who die of hunger or cold or lack of clean water or what have you of these "natural" causes that could have easily been avoided. I cannot get my mind around that. And then we come to those mega big-ass multinationals, that are obliged (both by law and by their own self-imposed sense of made-up morality) to dedicate a percentage of their profits to what they refer to as "corporate social responsibility" (CSR), which ensures they sleep better at night, knowing they did their part in paying back the world.

Don't get me wrong, I truly respect the role these CSR efforts play in making the world a slightly less ugly place to live in, but I just question the true value Vs. the perceived value of these efforts. Thinking they pay back society by constructing a school in some rural area whereas in some other part of the world they can have a factory polluting the environment. Thinking we give back to society by our tiny random acts of kindness! yay for us, we use recycled paper! We did our part, and what happens next is not our responsibility.

Is it really that hard to be less apathetic about something that happens to other people? regardless of their race? Is it that hard to be outside ourselves and get a bird's eye? How can we all sleep at night knowing we are part in some major crime against humanity? With all the modern signs of globalization, and with the world becoming a little village, and everything being a few clicks away, is it really that easy to share information but that difficult to share feelings? Are we becoming supportive only on paper/media? "Share this to save another child from hunger", "For every email you send, XYZ will donate a dollar for medical care in this poor underprivileged country", "Finish your food because some people cannot find this food you're wasting."

And still, as I write, in another part of the world, another person dies of hunger or for lack of the most basic health care.

Yay for humanity.

a stolen PS of Farthest Happiness and Hallucination

From an abandoned letter:

"I know this must've been disturbing. This unbelievable combination of fear, happiness, desire, hatred, satisfaction, rejection, disgust, hesitation, peacefulness, despise, safety, agony, longing, denial, joy, laughter and laughter again is clearly unprecedented. I shall ask for forgiveness and forgetfulness for the harm I've caused, and remembrance of the smiles. Let this be an improved version of the 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. Don't just erase all of it."

Letters to Dead Men

لا شك أنني أحتاج عاماً من الهلوسة ولابد أن أقول لأبي إن الرجل الوحيد الذي فتتني من الرغبة فيه كان يشبهه تماماً

وأن أخبر أصدقائي: عندي صور مكتملة لوجهي، كلها حقيقي، وكلها يخصني، وسأوزعها عليكم تباعاً

لابد أن أقول لحبيبي: أشكر خياناتي المباركة، لولاها.. ما انتظرت كل هذا الوقت لأكتشف فضاء استثنائياً في ضحكتك أما بالنسبة لي، فأكاد أجزم أنني أفضح نفسي لأختبئ وراءها
- إيمان مرسال

Dear Man-

I miss your stories.. both real and made-up.. mostly made-up, mostly real.

I seek you -or little parts of you- in others.

I do not need lecturing about my daddy issues. The daddy issue is a daddy issue, and is deceased. But the other is only dead in soul.

I do not need lecturing about letting go.

Also, free falling is not for me.

The borders get blurred and all (both? all?) men merge into one. And he is dead. And you are dead.

And I walk.

Dear Picasso: You Lied.

Mon cher Picasso-

Quand j'ai confié mes peurs, tu as tenu ma main et m'a regardé dans les yeux et m'a menti.

Tu m'as écrit un message dans une bouteille, mais -comme d'habitude- tes mots appartiennent à des profondeurs de la mer.


Merci, pas pour moi.

Gros bisous,
Moi.

Your Otherness

I am reminded by your "otherness" so much so that it expands and fills up all the void around us, sucking up all the air. I try to see the likeness, the similarity, to look for the old familiarity, but the otherness is louder, highlighted, magnified. And too hard to ignore. And I don't know if it's my mind playing tricks, or if you really make it a point to point it out. "I am one, you are the other" or "I am the other, and you are the one" (but not the one)

Your otherness in the sense of what I am and you are not.
Your otherness in the sense of what I am not and you are.
Your otherness in expressing Divine love, and me expressing Divine Order.
Your otherness in seeking peace through isolation, and not through connection.

Your otherness in finally accepting laws of nature, when I finally start to denounce them.
Your otherness in not being in my shoes, and not being part of my internal dialogue.

and so on, your Otherness.

Dear Universe

If you think you're going to break me by forcing me to listen to Mayada's Ana Ba3sha2ak in EVERY taxi ride, and stage it like it's a coincidence, then you're mistaken. You won't break me.

equal in magnitude, opposite in direction

I don't know which is worse: to forget you, or to NEVER forget you.

Concrete Proof of (In)Sanity

I was thinking recently of the reason behind all this, what I write and share here.. I am not entirely a private person, not to my close ones and not to all details, however, I find it a bit "cheap" to share deep and private emotions over a blog for anyone (not worthy enough!) to read.. I realize am a bit judgmental (cheap, not worthy, yes!)..

And this thinking led me to some conclusions.. I do like sharing, but I do not always like relating. I realized, therefore, I was doing this for me. I was doing this to have some concrete proof of my (in)sanity. Taking snapshots of my life. Not necessarily as it is but as it appears to be. Chosen recorded moments, over a span of almost 6 years now. Impressive..

A lot has changed.. Going back and reading, sometimes I don't even understand what made me write something or the other.. Sometimes I even forget that I felt this way about something or someone.

The frequency of posts is proportionate (directly or inversely I don't need to tell!) to the intensity of actions and feelings..

It is like spying on myself from outside my head. I find that amusing! The happiness, the bitterness, the nostalgia, the anger, the cynicism, and -occasionally- the temporary peace..

My concrete proof of sanity.. this time without the doubting parentheses.

Colonization

Every time I check the origin label of a tshirt, jeans, or pair of sneakers, and find it's Made in Cambodia, or Vietnam, or Bangladesh, I freak out. I imagine little children with shiny beady eyes stitching up the hand-made work on that blouse. I imagine under-nourished, under-paid, mistreated women who stitch up my jeans or pair of Converse, for less than minimum wage, just to feed their families of shiny beady eyes..

Then I feel infinitely guilty for being part of this humanity. Being part of the colonization.

On a lighter note, I do not feel that when my item is made in China, because I think of it as little oompa-loompa robots doing the work.. I think of it as "internal" rather than external colonization; which somehow makes it better for me.

Am I helping the children or the colonies by buying? Am I going to help them by boycotting? How can I change such a sad sad reality? Is "Fair Trade" a reality or is it just a label we stick on our products to feel less guilty drinking that cup of coffee or wearing that beautiful handmade item?

Et pourtant si douce

بداركم مشمشة وبدارنا خوخة
يا شجرة المشمشة مالت على الخوخة
حاجي تروح وتجي من تحت هالطاقة
يا رب رشقة مطر والأرض مشتاقة

Social Networking Wisdom of the Day

"If I need to look at your pictures (and even more than one!) to remember who you are, then it was probably a bad idea to send me a friend request."

venetian blinds

Yes, please, put your UGLY brown venetian blinds on all your villa's windows. Please. Because the villa's tasteless architecture isn't ugly enough, nor is its ugly yellowish beige color. They really needed those BROWN blinds to complement their ugliness.

Thank you.

(Dedicated to the villa on Orouba street close to Rue Roshdy Pasha)

On Wise Women, XML, and Signs (and maybe other matters)

"Every girl should have a nice boyfriend and a nice bag. If you don't have a boyfriend, you should at least get the bag." ~ A Wise Woman.

Thus spoke the wise woman, and then got that handbag! So, the wise woman has left, to "pursue other interests" (as they call it in my Company -with a capital C- when someone is leaving), conquer new horizons, and all that.. and she left a void, left me missing her unbearable lightness of being (that is a good book by the way). It was only 7 months ago when were sitting at the very same spot I am sitting in now. It was four of us, new year's was near and we were discussing the passing year, making resolutions, thinking/wishing/hoping 2010 will turn out better.. This wise woman was also the reason behind the upsurge in my internet/computer usage in the past year, she was my media supplier, my fellow stalker, and my puzzle partner. And yet, we were not "committed" to each other. We were free, we were light, and GOD were we boring sometimes! but we still had a really good time; getting coffee, trashing the world, giving each other advice we would never follow, and just silently enjoying each other's company.. So yeah, I kinda miss this freedom of not having to make up excuses, of offering what you want to offer, no pressure.. If each person had ONE sign, one attribute, that would be their sign, hers would be this lightness.. and yes it feels more than 3 months since you were gone (yalla you got your own paragraph eskoti ba'a!)

-----

Back when we were doing our graduation projects, there was a certain professor who had introduced XML course to our curriculum and was teaching it (yes it was still new, doesn't matter you know how old I am anyway!). So one of the funny idiosyncrasies this guy had was that in almost EVERY graduation project presentation he asked the question "why didn't you use XML for this?" So yes we get that you're trying to promote "your" new technology and popularize it, but seriously, why don't you rather pay attention to what's being said and ask more relevant questions. The reason I mentioned/remembered this was that it related to a subject I am rather fond of discussing: "false ego". We like to believe in , even to indulge in, our importance, our meaningless value, that we would practically blow up our nothingness into something big... "you cannot believe how busy I am" or "let ME tell you how it's done" or whatever.. and in a place like this, it is very easy to lose track, and to get trapped into believing you really run the world (well, not me, I just make sure those who run the world use reliable systems :)) but you get the point..

Sometimes I feel like some people REALLY do need to be shown the Total Perspective Vortex. Just get a glimpse of how little and insignificant everything is, in the big picture.. I am not saying that one should not do, DO, but don't lose focus.. all accomplishments, all troubles, all frustrations.. really what are they in terms of a big picture! and I do need to remind myself of that occasionally too.

-----

Moving on to more important matters, signs.. We are all -at least me and everyone I know- haunted by signs.. Paolo Coelho said that when you desire something so bad, the whole universe conspires to help you get it. But sometimes that's not true. Sometimes you do desire something really bad and all the odds are against you.. And yet you wait for this thing to happen, and moreover, you want the universe to agree with you that it is the right thing! you're not satisfied with the universe thinking otherwise, so you try to somehow force the idea that the forces, destiny, fatalité, or whatever you call it, they are all wanting you to get it, and it is also part of convincing yourself... "He called me right at the moment I was hoping that he does, it must be a sign", "I didn't find the other cheaper kind, it must be a sign to buy the expensive one I want", and so on..

But then what about bad/negative signs? What about the fact that you thought about him for a whole day and he didn't call? or that the shop that sells that expensive thing was closed, and so on.. what about all these negative signs you discard on a daily basis, thinking they are nothing but roadblocks..

When faced with a "bad" sign, we either

1) discard it as irrelevant, or
2) take it as a test to how much we want this thing, so we fight destiny and we hang on with all our might, because we interpret this as a challenge, or we falsely correlate it with something we did wrong ("this roadblock came to punish me for my impatience/disbelief/misbehavior")


and we wait and wait and wait for a glimpse of hope we can call a "sign".


So, yes, we are obsessed by signs. We give them different names, it can be our gut feeling, our horoscope, our tarot, or even the result of our istikhara prayer. It is still a sign. And we still wait for it. And we still interpret it the way we please.

Message from the Universe: I am secretly on your side, but it doesn't mean I will always want what you want. You do not know what is good for you. Look at your track record, then look at me. Do you really think you know better? You do what you can, and you hope for the best, but if you want to look for signs, then really look for signs.

You can go to sleep now.

the smell of you..

Where I work, there is an expression we use: "smell of the place". We're always talking about how to improve the smell of the place and who did so and so to the smell of the place, etc. Basically, it refers to the overall office environment and not necessarily to its smell.

So anyway, a couple of days back, on a day off, I had an errand to run downtown that didnt take more than 30 mins (the system was down!) and so, at 9:15 in the morning I was in the street, nothing to do, book in bag. I head over to Korba, have the cab drop me some 3 mins away to take a short stroll. While walking I suddenly get the feeling of what if I am in a foreign country. Another city, another place. No worries (somehow just changing my location puts me in a carefree mood), and just here to have fun. The weather was amazing so it helps this little game of make-believe, which in turn would help my mood. And so, while walking, I take a deep breath, establishing that I _am_ there.

And then it hits me, I realize what's wrong with this place! It's the smell!! I haven't been to a lot of places, but in this morning chilly weather, they all shared a certain "smell", a certain freshness, that we lack. Even Hong Kong, the smelliest place I have ever been to, it had that freshness!

The air here is HEAVY! Almost melancholic. That is definitely it! That is why it pulls you (me!) down.

Oh Cairo! How I would love for you to change your smell!

I still choose to make believe..

Dear 2009: Retrospectfully Yours, N.

"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?"
"Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
~ Alice Adeventures in Wonderland


So, to begin at the beginning, what would one say? One would start with a cute funny story, a nice and light anecdote, something to lure you in to come closer to the labyrinth.. once you're in there, one would tell you deeper, more intense stuff, and then one would let you go, hoping you walk away having cleansed your insides..

Dear great wide void of the Internet.. I have promised to write.. I said I would write about 2009, I said I would talk about boyfriends and bags, and I said I would talk about many many other topics.. but for now, let us stay at the beginning, and the beginning here being 2009..

When the year was coming to an end, as a group of friends we decided to meet a couple of days before new year's to curse 2009 with all that it brought us, and share frustrations and aspirations. And _my_ response was what is UP with everyone and 2009! I mean seriously, I didnt hear anyone with me when I wanted to curse the daylight out of my 2008 for instance, so why are you coming in 2009 -a year that actually wasnt all that bad for me- to curse the year?!?!?!?! (with special dedication to those who would recognize the "?!?!?!" pattern ;))

Anyway, this was just a teaser, because I have promised to write something before Jan ends!

Thank you for listening Internet!

Oh, and Google, I still luv you! xxxxx

N.

Things I am thankful for today (dont get used to my sunshine mood!)

Zamalek

the smell of coffee

Breakfasts, coffees, lunches, dinners, and phonecalls with friends who don't need small talk.

friends whom I would tell "call you back" and then call them back a week later.

friends -like Karim- who would say "But you keep getting fatter. How will I know how big you will be?" when I ask him to get me something nice to wear.

friends -like Karim- who would then try to fix the damage by saying "i expect i'll buy for the image i have of you in my head. the perfect woman."

friends -like Karim- who would not believe I could share this openly and would deny they said it.

other friends who would listen to me going on and on and on about who SATC's Mr. Big reminds me of and how I am hopelessly hooked on the type, and they still would have the decency to not bang my head (or theirs) against the wall in despair! (you know yourselves)

a mother who compares me to Israel whenever I try to act friendly with her (and end up taking her space and sharing her food!)

a mother (the same woman) who would say that an age difference of 20 yrs is not much between spouses, but would immediately yell at me when I say, so it is ok for me to marry a guy in his late-40s.

a mother (still the same woman) who would understand when I tell her that as a child I used to wonder why my father married HER, as a teenager I used to wonder why SHE married him, and as an adult, I understand and I hope to have what she had.

a brother who would compare the quasadilla I ordered for him to Tebesty's feteer, and a sister who would laugh at the joke even though I glare at them both.

believing in a God who treats/judges us "bema howa ahloh" not "bema na7no ahloh".

having been loved by people throughout my life, not so much so that one person would kill himself for me, but enough that ALL the people who love(d) me combined would sacrifice maybe a small chicken or something for me. Well, maybe just a pigeon, or a frog. Something!

having friends who understand (and hate) my attachments, detachments, and general commitment phobia.

being able to remember names, faces, and events that I only know through the cyber space (thank you FB, Blogger, and Twitter), even if it gives me a creepy, stalker-ish edge!

feeling that life is both over- and under- rated.

having a mentor/friend who brought me to tears with anger, intensity, and happiness at different points over the last few years.. who called me a drunk Sufi sometimes and 3abla Kamel other times.. who made me see how scared I am of people having expectations from me, and who makes me look for answers and patterns, and helps me understand that the "dog crossed the road" just because the dog crossed the road.

Dear Cleaning Woman II

Seriously?? Even 5 minutes after I _asked_ you not to do it? What are you, a memory-less automated sprayer?