Tired

I am tired.

I am tired of caring and of not caring. I am tired of pretending to care and equally pretending to be apathetic.
I am tired of wanting and needing. I am tired of doing and tired of being lazy.
I am tired of sensing and feeling and judging and forgiving and loving and making mistakes and fixing mistakes and justifying and explaining and understanding and fighting.
I am tired of reaching out and settling down and stepping up and moving on and paying back and showing up and making up and acting out.


I am perfectly fine, just tired. 

The Ugly Face of Happy Endings: Is Capitalism Brainwashing the Masses?

This was actually the title of a paper I wrote in a film course in my last year in uni. I don't remember everything about it, but I remember that I was comparing the rise of capitalism in the US and the effect of that on the film industry, how it portrayed capitalism as the solution to everyman's troubles, and the road to achieve the All-American dream. And part of the argument was to illustrate that -just like communism and other similar schools of thoughts- Capitalism was still using the mass media to brainwash people, albeit in a more subtle, and less sharp, way.

This comes to mind now because there is something I do not fully comprehend about the current World order. During the last period, I've been repeatedly thinking (and saying) that it is indeed a strange world that has so much money and wasted resources and yet has people who die of hunger or cold or lack of clean water or what have you of these "natural" causes that could have easily been avoided. I cannot get my mind around that. And then we come to those mega big-ass multinationals, that are obliged (both by law and by their own self-imposed sense of made-up morality) to dedicate a percentage of their profits to what they refer to as "corporate social responsibility" (CSR), which ensures they sleep better at night, knowing they did their part in paying back the world.

Don't get me wrong, I truly respect the role these CSR efforts play in making the world a slightly less ugly place to live in, but I just question the true value Vs. the perceived value of these efforts. Thinking they pay back society by constructing a school in some rural area whereas in some other part of the world they can have a factory polluting the environment. Thinking we give back to society by our tiny random acts of kindness! yay for us, we use recycled paper! We did our part, and what happens next is not our responsibility.

Is it really that hard to be less apathetic about something that happens to other people? regardless of their race? Is it that hard to be outside ourselves and get a bird's eye? How can we all sleep at night knowing we are part in some major crime against humanity? With all the modern signs of globalization, and with the world becoming a little village, and everything being a few clicks away, is it really that easy to share information but that difficult to share feelings? Are we becoming supportive only on paper/media? "Share this to save another child from hunger", "For every email you send, XYZ will donate a dollar for medical care in this poor underprivileged country", "Finish your food because some people cannot find this food you're wasting."

And still, as I write, in another part of the world, another person dies of hunger or for lack of the most basic health care.

Yay for humanity.

Concrete Proof of (In)Sanity

I was thinking recently of the reason behind all this, what I write and share here.. I am not entirely a private person, not to my close ones and not to all details, however, I find it a bit "cheap" to share deep and private emotions over a blog for anyone (not worthy enough!) to read.. I realize am a bit judgmental (cheap, not worthy, yes!)..

And this thinking led me to some conclusions.. I do like sharing, but I do not always like relating. I realized, therefore, I was doing this for me. I was doing this to have some concrete proof of my (in)sanity. Taking snapshots of my life. Not necessarily as it is but as it appears to be. Chosen recorded moments, over a span of almost 6 years now. Impressive..

A lot has changed.. Going back and reading, sometimes I don't even understand what made me write something or the other.. Sometimes I even forget that I felt this way about something or someone.

The frequency of posts is proportionate (directly or inversely I don't need to tell!) to the intensity of actions and feelings..

It is like spying on myself from outside my head. I find that amusing! The happiness, the bitterness, the nostalgia, the anger, the cynicism, and -occasionally- the temporary peace..

My concrete proof of sanity.. this time without the doubting parentheses.

My Mini-Wisdoms (you can thank me later!)

The following is a collection of phrases said by me over the last weeks.. I amaze myself sometimes!

"I don't _have_ a moral fiber.. My moral fiber got torn" (said to D who thought it was way too visual and disturbing)

"They're not wrinkles, they are laugh lines" (I am proud of this one, you are all allowed (read "encouraged"!) to use it, quoting me)

"You are ALL older than me, how come you ALL don't have a single white hair and I do." said in spite and envy.. now everyone I know will blame me and my curse at the sight of a first white hair..

*frustrated tone* "oh, but that's not how _we_ do it" (everyone is dying to know who is this 'we', and you can replace 'do' with eat/say/wear, etc.)

"ugh! I am having a hormonal rage!" (also said to others, "why are you being hormonal?")

and this masterpiece is from a friend, she saw a mobinil billboard saying "3eesh 3al net", her next thought "mana already 3aysha 3al net!" then the following thought was "I should sooooo share this with N." (we've been spending a LOT of time recently online!) The thought and the after-thought are both hilarious and sad.. I don't know which is sadder, her response to the ad, or sharing it with me!


"I was abused as a child, that's why" - said on several occasions as an excuse for my weird behavior.. other runners up include:
"I fell on my head as a child"
"I am autistic sometimes"
"I blame it on the stuff I smoke" or "it's the cannabis I take in the morning"
"I live mostly inside my head"


And the finale, "I dont really like people, you know"


Bisous,
N.


.

Good or Bad

Karma

--- Excerpts from Wikipedia ---

...is the concept of "action" or "deed" in Indian religions understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect.

Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others.

... the tenet of the law of karma is essentially "if you do good things, good things will happen to you — if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you"

--- End of Wikipedia Excerpt ---


So, "Everything's Eventual" fel akher.. The Universe, or Multiverse if you will, is constantly balanced, what goes around comes around and no bad deed goes unpunished...... at least eventually..

I once almost a year ago told someone "Life treats good people good, at least eventually", and he replied "I agree.. I just have trouble believing I am good people"

Well, maybe you are, maybe you're not.. Eventually, we'll know..


"All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds." ~Candide by Voltaire


Cheers,
N.

Time

there is this phrase that keeps playing in my head... it starts with something like only time will tell (or it needs time or sthg similar), and then the phrase I couldnt get out of my head "the problem with time is that it takes time"... Then it hit me that I think/feel I read it in Z's blog.. so i went there and searched for "it takes time".. I actually came across several interesting posts, and then the one I wanted.. I quote the part she quoted below.. Thank you ZaoZao..


"With everything that had happened, it would simply have been too soon. Elizabeth was correct: you do need time. The annoying thing about time is that it takes time . . . but no amount of it is too long to wait through when you're waiting to be sure. However much we might believe, and wish, it were true, you can't really be sure of what you feel however intensely and seriously and constantly you examine your thoughts and emotions. You can be really sure only by forcing yourself to wait: time alone can tell you what will last."

~ From "Love and Other Near Death Experiences"


P.S. after posting I realized I -unconsciously- even used the same title Z used! :)

Cliff

Always on the edge.. never falling off, never backing off.. hanging by a thin (yet strong) thread..

Any movement, any touch will make me fall, but I am kept on edge all the time.. provoked..

And the problem is: I enjoy it!

Should I?

"I wouldnt do it if I were you".. but you're not me.. and I am not you.. never will be, and not sure I want to be.. not in this aspect at least.. So, the solution? doing my stupid mistakes is better than faking someone else's smart actions..

"till it stops being painful".. it wont.


I will call..

Believing...

every once in a while, i have to remind myself of what i believe in.... so here goes.. Neil Gaiman from American Gods... read it all thru and enjoy!

"I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen-- I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it."

irrelevant but meaningful

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

~ "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65

hmmm...

“Whenever you’re far away, I wish you were near. I imagine the conversations we’ll have when you or I come back from a trip. I phone you to make sure everything’s alright. I need to hear your voice every day. I’m still passionate about you, I can guarantee you that ... But what happens when we’re together? We argue, we quarrel over nothing, one of us wants to change the other, to impose his or her view of reality. You demand things of me that make no sense at all, and I do the same. Sometimes, in the silence of our hearts, we say to ourselves: how good it would be to be free, to have no commitments.”

~ Paulo Coelho, El Zahir

I am tired

The Letter

LITTLE cramped words scrawling all over the paper
Like draggled fly's legs,
What can you tell of the flaring moon
Through the oak leaves?
Or of my uncurtained window and the bare floor
Spattered with moonlight?
Your silly quirks and twists have nothing in them
Of blossoming hawthorns,
And this paper is dull, crisp, smooth, virgin of loveliness
Beneath my hand.
I am tired, Beloved, of chafing my heart against
The want of you;
Of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
And I scald alone, here, under the fire
Of the greater moon.



Aftermath

I learnt to write to you in happier days,
And every letter was a piece I chipped
From off my heart, a fragment newly clipped
From the mosaic of life; its blues and grays,
Its throbbing reds, I gave to earn your praise.
To make a pavement for your feet I stripped
My soul for you to walk upon, and slipped
Beneath your steps to soften all your ways.
But now my letters are like blossoms pale
We strew upon a grave with hopeless tears.
I ask no recompense, I shall not fail
Although you do not heed; the long, sad years
Still pass, and still I scatter flowers frail,
And whisper words of love which no one hears.



Mirage

How is it that, being gone, you fill my days,
And all the long nights are made glad by thee?
No loneliness is this, nor misery,
But great content that these should be the ways
Whereby the Fancy, dreaming as she strays,
Makes bright and present what she would would be.
And who shall say if the reality
Is not with dreams so pregnant. For delays
And hindrances may bar the wished-for end;
A thousand misconceptions may prevent
Our souls from coming near enough to blend;
Let me but think we have the same intent,
That each one needs to call the other, "friend!"
It may be vain illusion. I'm content.


~ Amy Lowell

Dilbertism..

Inherent Happiness

---
The Shaltanacs are a race from the planet Broop Kidron Thirteen, who had their own version of the Earth phrase, "The other man's grass is always greener." Although, given their planet's horticultural peculiarities, theirs was, "The other Shaltanac's joopleberry shrub is always a more mauve-y shade of pinky russet," and so, the expression fell into disuse, and the Shaltanacs found they had little choice but to become exceptionally happy and content, which surprised everyone else in the galaxy, who had never realised that the best way not to be unhappy is not to have a word for it.
---

~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy