Delusional Promises

مسكتيلي إيدي ووعدتيني بشي ثورة، كيف نسيتي؟ كيف نسيتيني؟

!ومشطتيلي شعري وبعتينيي عالدوام، كيف بتمشطي؟ مشطيني

L'insoutenable légèreté de l'être

I have a confession.
Sometimes I feel an incredible lightness by letting go.
This is not the confession.

I deny this feeling and this lightness, for fear it might mean I can finally float, and I stick to an illusion and claim it my reality.
This is the confession.

I find it unforgivable when I am denied this fear.

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"I've met another man. He's the best man I've ever met. He's bright, handsome and he's crazy about me. And, he's married. There's only one thing; he doesn't like my hat."

The Castle in the Pyrenees: of love and coincidence

"Le Château des Pyrénées" by René Magritte

"Can we make a solemn promise to delete every email we send each other after we've read them? I mean straight away, right then and there, and that naturally means no printouts either....We will step outside time, leave what we call ‘reality’."

~ Jostein Gaarder, The Castle in the Pyrenees

For Steinn and Solrun, the Internet is their reconnection, the means by which they rekindle what was lost so long ago. This is probably the seventh novel I read for Gaarder, and I am again captivated by his storytelling, by his views on the universe, our footprint on the planet, and definitely on love. I get lost inside the stories within stories. I am still in the beginning, but I know it already got to me.

and then she tells him (referring to the painting above):

" But perhaps you're blind. Perhaps you're both narrow-minded and short-sighted.

Do you remember that Magritte picture of a huge lump of rock floating above the ground? I think it had a small castle on top. You can't have forgotten that picture.

But if you'd witnessed something similar today, you would certainly have tried to explain it away. Maybe you'd have said it was a trick. That the rock was hollow and filled with helium. Or that it was supported by an ingenious network of invisibly pulleys and wires.

I'm a much simpler soul. I would probably just have raised my arms to the boulder and sung out my 'hallelujah' or my 'amen'."

...and thus speaks the emotional to the rational. They are lovers who were separated by space and time, meeting again -by coincidence or some universal masterplan- after 30 years. Trying to understand each other, trying to understand what drove them apart.

---------------

"It's strange to think about now. That was before I believed in anything. But only just before."

To Remember

Listen to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tnkk-gkEuxc for more context.

(picture from http://kelk.tumblr.com, beautiful calligraphy)

Maruzella

"Tu fais battre mon coeur plus fort que les vagues quand le ciel est sombre. D'abord tu me dis oui et, tout doucement, tu me fais mourir."

venetian blinds

Yes, please, put your UGLY brown venetian blinds on all your villa's windows. Please. Because the villa's tasteless architecture isn't ugly enough, nor is its ugly yellowish beige color. They really needed those BROWN blinds to complement their ugliness.

Thank you.

(Dedicated to the villa on Orouba street close to Rue Roshdy Pasha)

Plus retro, tu meurts

This is now officially my sixties retro "living room".

Why? Because I am -as I always say- nostalgic to what I never had.

child's play

I changed my blog background and now it looks like a children's book (snap shot below for future reference)..
I do not like it, but I don't like any other options..

Help and comments are appreciated.

Merci. (also did you see the nesting screens -recursion- in the snapshot below? so cool, and I actually took the time to do it!)

On Wise Women, XML, and Signs (and maybe other matters)

"Every girl should have a nice boyfriend and a nice bag. If you don't have a boyfriend, you should at least get the bag." ~ A Wise Woman.

Thus spoke the wise woman, and then got that handbag! So, the wise woman has left, to "pursue other interests" (as they call it in my Company -with a capital C- when someone is leaving), conquer new horizons, and all that.. and she left a void, left me missing her unbearable lightness of being (that is a good book by the way). It was only 7 months ago when were sitting at the very same spot I am sitting in now. It was four of us, new year's was near and we were discussing the passing year, making resolutions, thinking/wishing/hoping 2010 will turn out better.. This wise woman was also the reason behind the upsurge in my internet/computer usage in the past year, she was my media supplier, my fellow stalker, and my puzzle partner. And yet, we were not "committed" to each other. We were free, we were light, and GOD were we boring sometimes! but we still had a really good time; getting coffee, trashing the world, giving each other advice we would never follow, and just silently enjoying each other's company.. So yeah, I kinda miss this freedom of not having to make up excuses, of offering what you want to offer, no pressure.. If each person had ONE sign, one attribute, that would be their sign, hers would be this lightness.. and yes it feels more than 3 months since you were gone (yalla you got your own paragraph eskoti ba'a!)

-----

Back when we were doing our graduation projects, there was a certain professor who had introduced XML course to our curriculum and was teaching it (yes it was still new, doesn't matter you know how old I am anyway!). So one of the funny idiosyncrasies this guy had was that in almost EVERY graduation project presentation he asked the question "why didn't you use XML for this?" So yes we get that you're trying to promote "your" new technology and popularize it, but seriously, why don't you rather pay attention to what's being said and ask more relevant questions. The reason I mentioned/remembered this was that it related to a subject I am rather fond of discussing: "false ego". We like to believe in , even to indulge in, our importance, our meaningless value, that we would practically blow up our nothingness into something big... "you cannot believe how busy I am" or "let ME tell you how it's done" or whatever.. and in a place like this, it is very easy to lose track, and to get trapped into believing you really run the world (well, not me, I just make sure those who run the world use reliable systems :)) but you get the point..

Sometimes I feel like some people REALLY do need to be shown the Total Perspective Vortex. Just get a glimpse of how little and insignificant everything is, in the big picture.. I am not saying that one should not do, DO, but don't lose focus.. all accomplishments, all troubles, all frustrations.. really what are they in terms of a big picture! and I do need to remind myself of that occasionally too.

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Moving on to more important matters, signs.. We are all -at least me and everyone I know- haunted by signs.. Paolo Coelho said that when you desire something so bad, the whole universe conspires to help you get it. But sometimes that's not true. Sometimes you do desire something really bad and all the odds are against you.. And yet you wait for this thing to happen, and moreover, you want the universe to agree with you that it is the right thing! you're not satisfied with the universe thinking otherwise, so you try to somehow force the idea that the forces, destiny, fatalité, or whatever you call it, they are all wanting you to get it, and it is also part of convincing yourself... "He called me right at the moment I was hoping that he does, it must be a sign", "I didn't find the other cheaper kind, it must be a sign to buy the expensive one I want", and so on..

But then what about bad/negative signs? What about the fact that you thought about him for a whole day and he didn't call? or that the shop that sells that expensive thing was closed, and so on.. what about all these negative signs you discard on a daily basis, thinking they are nothing but roadblocks..

When faced with a "bad" sign, we either

1) discard it as irrelevant, or
2) take it as a test to how much we want this thing, so we fight destiny and we hang on with all our might, because we interpret this as a challenge, or we falsely correlate it with something we did wrong ("this roadblock came to punish me for my impatience/disbelief/misbehavior")


and we wait and wait and wait for a glimpse of hope we can call a "sign".


So, yes, we are obsessed by signs. We give them different names, it can be our gut feeling, our horoscope, our tarot, or even the result of our istikhara prayer. It is still a sign. And we still wait for it. And we still interpret it the way we please.

Message from the Universe: I am secretly on your side, but it doesn't mean I will always want what you want. You do not know what is good for you. Look at your track record, then look at me. Do you really think you know better? You do what you can, and you hope for the best, but if you want to look for signs, then really look for signs.

You can go to sleep now.

To the 28th

So I took a cab to my hotel, I tell him the name of the hotel and is about to say the street, so he says "oui, numero 28" I say yes..

We get there, he smiles and looks at the meter, finding it amusing that the meter made 28 francs too! and then he goes blank for a moment then goes like "AND today is the 28th! wow!"

I tell him it's a good sign, to which he replies "To 28!"

here's to people who see signs in everything.

Just a sign

"أعطيني علامة تقول إنِو الحنين بيزول"

~ From a friend's prayer

the smell of you..

Where I work, there is an expression we use: "smell of the place". We're always talking about how to improve the smell of the place and who did so and so to the smell of the place, etc. Basically, it refers to the overall office environment and not necessarily to its smell.

So anyway, a couple of days back, on a day off, I had an errand to run downtown that didnt take more than 30 mins (the system was down!) and so, at 9:15 in the morning I was in the street, nothing to do, book in bag. I head over to Korba, have the cab drop me some 3 mins away to take a short stroll. While walking I suddenly get the feeling of what if I am in a foreign country. Another city, another place. No worries (somehow just changing my location puts me in a carefree mood), and just here to have fun. The weather was amazing so it helps this little game of make-believe, which in turn would help my mood. And so, while walking, I take a deep breath, establishing that I _am_ there.

And then it hits me, I realize what's wrong with this place! It's the smell!! I haven't been to a lot of places, but in this morning chilly weather, they all shared a certain "smell", a certain freshness, that we lack. Even Hong Kong, the smelliest place I have ever been to, it had that freshness!

The air here is HEAVY! Almost melancholic. That is definitely it! That is why it pulls you (me!) down.

Oh Cairo! How I would love for you to change your smell!

I still choose to make believe..

The Girl who sees Colors

Prologue

One day, I text a friend of mine that I want to write a story, but what shall I write about. He replies "write about a girl who sees colors when there aren't any. She sees building facades red and green. And cars as cartoon creatures. And flowers talking to her. She doesn't see the ugliness of life."

I instantly fall in love with that, and feel half-jealous that I was not the one who came up with it, even if I was the inspiration for it. So, on several later occasions, when I need some entertainment and/or support, I text him asking to tell me what the "girl who sees colors" do.. and that's what I get.

The Girl who Sees Colors: Random Musings

what would the girl who sees colors do now? Blow soap bubbles and observe them as they fly up towards the ceiling and stick to it, then give fruit to other smaller bubbles like raisin grapes?

The girl never saw herself. She doesn't know how she actually looks like. And for this reason, she never gets old. People only get older when they look to themselves in mirrors. She only sees others and knows herself through their stories.

The girl, when she's sad, she takes a pile of white paper, coloring pens, and a pair of scissors. She sits on the dining room table, facing the window, where the sun sheds its rays. On each sheet of paper, she would draw a butterfly. Big butterflies for the big concerns, and small butterflies for the small concerns. She would then start coloring them: she would paint in hot colors the ones that are noisy, that speak a lot, and in pale colors the ones that do not speak much, but who are hiding deeper inside her head. When she's done coloring them, she would slowly start cutting them with the scissors. As soon as she's done cutting a butterfly, its wings would start clapping, as if they were waking up after years of sleep. Then it would fly immediately out of the window, heading back to where it came from, behind the sun.

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Just a random cross-section in a perfect world.

Hello World

... have i really skipped 2 months without writing anything here? thats a first..

Hello Cyber World, miss talking to you..

I promise to keep in touch very very soon.

Dear 2009: Retrospectfully Yours, N.

"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?"
"Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
~ Alice Adeventures in Wonderland


So, to begin at the beginning, what would one say? One would start with a cute funny story, a nice and light anecdote, something to lure you in to come closer to the labyrinth.. once you're in there, one would tell you deeper, more intense stuff, and then one would let you go, hoping you walk away having cleansed your insides..

Dear great wide void of the Internet.. I have promised to write.. I said I would write about 2009, I said I would talk about boyfriends and bags, and I said I would talk about many many other topics.. but for now, let us stay at the beginning, and the beginning here being 2009..

When the year was coming to an end, as a group of friends we decided to meet a couple of days before new year's to curse 2009 with all that it brought us, and share frustrations and aspirations. And _my_ response was what is UP with everyone and 2009! I mean seriously, I didnt hear anyone with me when I wanted to curse the daylight out of my 2008 for instance, so why are you coming in 2009 -a year that actually wasnt all that bad for me- to curse the year?!?!?!?! (with special dedication to those who would recognize the "?!?!?!" pattern ;))

Anyway, this was just a teaser, because I have promised to write something before Jan ends!

Thank you for listening Internet!

Oh, and Google, I still luv you! xxxxx

N.

Things I am thankful for today (dont get used to my sunshine mood!)

Zamalek

the smell of coffee

Breakfasts, coffees, lunches, dinners, and phonecalls with friends who don't need small talk.

friends whom I would tell "call you back" and then call them back a week later.

friends -like Karim- who would say "But you keep getting fatter. How will I know how big you will be?" when I ask him to get me something nice to wear.

friends -like Karim- who would then try to fix the damage by saying "i expect i'll buy for the image i have of you in my head. the perfect woman."

friends -like Karim- who would not believe I could share this openly and would deny they said it.

other friends who would listen to me going on and on and on about who SATC's Mr. Big reminds me of and how I am hopelessly hooked on the type, and they still would have the decency to not bang my head (or theirs) against the wall in despair! (you know yourselves)

a mother who compares me to Israel whenever I try to act friendly with her (and end up taking her space and sharing her food!)

a mother (the same woman) who would say that an age difference of 20 yrs is not much between spouses, but would immediately yell at me when I say, so it is ok for me to marry a guy in his late-40s.

a mother (still the same woman) who would understand when I tell her that as a child I used to wonder why my father married HER, as a teenager I used to wonder why SHE married him, and as an adult, I understand and I hope to have what she had.

a brother who would compare the quasadilla I ordered for him to Tebesty's feteer, and a sister who would laugh at the joke even though I glare at them both.

believing in a God who treats/judges us "bema howa ahloh" not "bema na7no ahloh".

having been loved by people throughout my life, not so much so that one person would kill himself for me, but enough that ALL the people who love(d) me combined would sacrifice maybe a small chicken or something for me. Well, maybe just a pigeon, or a frog. Something!

having friends who understand (and hate) my attachments, detachments, and general commitment phobia.

being able to remember names, faces, and events that I only know through the cyber space (thank you FB, Blogger, and Twitter), even if it gives me a creepy, stalker-ish edge!

feeling that life is both over- and under- rated.

having a mentor/friend who brought me to tears with anger, intensity, and happiness at different points over the last few years.. who called me a drunk Sufi sometimes and 3abla Kamel other times.. who made me see how scared I am of people having expectations from me, and who makes me look for answers and patterns, and helps me understand that the "dog crossed the road" just because the dog crossed the road.

Mad Girl's Love Song

N.B. I dont generally like poetry, but I loved this one.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

~ Sylvia Plath

another day...

I am possessed since this morning by a thought; how we always say "well, tomorrow is another day". But then this tomorrow never comes, and I am haunted by a recurring today, over and over and over again.

So, as of now, I hereby declare TODAY as another day. This IS my another day and I am choosing to live it.

And, as a friend of mine so nicely put it, "Hello Mr. Letting Go, this is me, N. I know we've been quite out of touch lately but I am glad to have finally made your acquaintance."

It is time to leave Stockholm behind!
...

Relationship Theories - It could lead to dancing

Disclaimer:
This theory is not entirely about me or the other, for that alone would not make a "theory". It is more or less a collection of learnings.

A (quite long) Preamble

There is an old joke I read while in my first year in university.. back then when I read it, it was about Jews, and then later on I found out the same joke is told about baptists, muslims, etc. It doesn't make fun of the religions themselves as much as of our -sometimes narrow-minded- interpretations of the learnings. So to cut it short, the story goes that there was a couple who were preparing for their marriage, and they're meeting with the rabbi.. he goes on to explain how it's forbidden that men and women dance together in the ceremony, and then -going into more intimate details- they ask him about allowed sex positions, so they keep asking and he says yes it's allowed, and then the husband asks "how about doing it when standing?", to which the rabbi replies "OF COURSE NOT! THAT COULD LEAD TO DANCING!"

This joke has stuck with me ever since as an example of our contradictory double messages, and so whenever a situation calls for it, I find me saying to myself, "Oh but of course not, it could lead to dancing"

The Relationship Dilemma

So, the relationship dilemma here starts actually AFTER there is no relation. In that hazy crazy phase when you're not together but you're not exactly not together either, because one (or both) parties of the relationship still harbors feelings and doubts. So you are in a phase where you are still deciding how to define the boundaries of the relationship and what should/shouldnt happen under this new status, which is not an easy task at all...

And amongst all this, you find the weirdest requests and awkwardest moments between these two used-to-be lovers, wanna-be friends. Can we flirt casually, can we go out to dinners/coffees, can I call him, is it okay if he calls me late... etc etc.. Now I am not here to judge or be judged.. It is up to one entirely to define the boundaries they accept or demand for such a relation, and it is more or less a function of how you deal with friends of the opposite sex AND also how your relation with this ex was like...

So, again, no judging here.. However, the dating dilemma I am referring to starts when one of the two parties decides that they know what's better for the other (i.e. moving on), but at the same time they don't totally let go.. And you find yourself oscillating between wanting to let go yet feeling "trapped" in the relation (even if you're the one trapping yourself!).. and the one party who wants to stay knows that the one party more inclined to let go is ready to move on, just waiting for the right time or the right signal..

and then you find the weirdest behaviors coming up from you or the other, defining what should and should not be done under the context of the new connection. And it never makes any sense, so I would ask him to lunch but I would not go movies with him, because that would look like dating, and he would hug me, but he wouldn't call me when I am upset, because that would send me the wrong signal.. and so on..

So what is the solution to this? Should all breakups be done "cold turkey" as they say? or should we just "man up" to our decisions and do what our feelings/brains/impulses/morals (or whatever dictates your behavior) tells us to do?

So, I can flirt with you, I can talk to you, you can joke liberally with me, we can go out, and who knows maybe we'd even make out....

...But be careful not to do it standing, because -God forbid- it might lead to dancing!

In Love and War

they claimed that all is fair in love and war, but I need an answer to this:

In affairs of love (and war), when is letting go a strength and when is it a weakness? Does hanging on mean that one is too weak to let go and move on, or that one is strong enough to admit one's feelings and to hang on to a (non-existent) glimpse of a hope?

Or is it -just like most things- another grey area?