Following my Fish

Am trying to float.. its not always easy but am learning..

Just let it pass you by, every single time.. "eventually" someone will catch the drift and make it all right again..

I'm exercising my willpower a LOT lately!

Silent all These Years

I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling


~Tori Amos

Sans Souci - II

so what if I still do?

Sans Souci

you know whats cool about the above card: I was told almost the same thing yesterday.. about not being judgemental, about being kind(er).. el moshkela eno "ya 7aram" I always thought I was tolerant and non-judgemental.. I still think I am, but i just express my thoughts more openly than you..


just this morning, i called H because I remembered something hilarious that happened when we used to work together.. She wrote this document that we circulated among each other for review.. for some reason, we really critiqued the document harshly and almost turned it all upside down.. so when she comes to open it, i am trying to break it down for her and prepare her for it so i go like "listen.. dont be discouraged or alarmed by the fact that all the document will appear to be red in tracked changes and full of comments.. no no, only 2 comments were negative but the rest of them were "7elwa AWI AWI AWI".. she looks at me blankly for 10 seconds then goes like "and she said that? She said "merci ya H el document di 7elwa awi awi awi?" and we burst laughing for 10 mins.. there goes N when she tries to bluff, I tend to go overboard sometimes lol..


Two words that mean the world to me, "I understand".. Even if I thought you didnt, I give you -what was the phrase?- benefit of doubt ;)


Sunday Secret: 2 weeks ago, she put everything in perspective.. she gave me my Total Perspective Vortex. I can never be thankful enough.. Thank you for sharing, for knowing, for carrying all this weight.. Only you and I know what it's like.. and in switching our approaches, we both have found liberation..

On my own..

Thank you for reminding me of the good times I can have on my own.. and thank you for reminding me of things I enjoy not on my own.. my little pleasures :)

It's good to know, and it's good to share... the illusion of companionship.. :)

All I want is someone to believe..

When I'm deep inside of me
don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothing while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one I depend upon



p.s. I understand now what it meant. I am slow not stupid :)

I am..

Let the records show that I am thankful..

knowing my vital statistics inside and out :D (with an error margin of 10-15%)

Cracking the Shells of Crème Brulee’

So, when did I stop enjoying life's simple pleasures? I used to be like that.. yesterday I had a very nice crème brulee (borleih!!) and as soon as I got it, I cracked the shell with the spoon, just like Amelie likes doing (I like it when it's a hard shell not just a sprinkle of sugar). I commented on that, and my friend said she doesn't want to hear about her anymore :D (probably she hears about her a lot from A, because I never talked abt her before!)
Anyway.. it has been a week of secrets.. sharing.. giving and receiving secrets.. an eye-opening self-baring feeling..

One last note:
I cannot help it.. I plan and mastermind and plot and decide, and then it all crumbles down to pieces, and I am left there: just me.. plain and simple me.. well, maybe not so simple, but ME. Not because I cannot, but because I do not want to. And not because they "seem to have this effect on people"! Being myself with you is the most liberating experience..

My secret: "I am learning all about my life by looking through [your] eyes" ~Dream Theater

Thelma and Louise

.... this movie totally blows me off my mind! something about it just attracts me..

the start, the escape, the road trip, and the great great great ending..

Today I get this feeling and I express it, she felt it too.. Let's leave it all behind!

in a '66 Ford Thunderbird convertible..

whatever!

I decided to share a meaningless Sunday secret of mine each week.. it's a Tuesday but who cares..

anyway, I am annoyed.. i am not sad, nor upset, nor angry, nor resentful.. i am good and relaxed and happy.. begad!

but still.. it bugs me and nags me at the back of my head.. like a throbbing headache..

it annoys me that you dont know and dont understand and dont try to.. and it annoys me more that i might have gotten you wrong and you know and understand and everything..

My secret on a postcard: "I dont know the real reason behind this"

Should I?

"I wouldnt do it if I were you".. but you're not me.. and I am not you.. never will be, and not sure I want to be.. not in this aspect at least.. So, the solution? doing my stupid mistakes is better than faking someone else's smart actions..

"till it stops being painful".. it wont.


I will call..

Sunday Secrets..

"El chai tamam ya fandem?" He asks.. yes wallahi el chai tamam.. you managed to put a tea bag and pour hot water on it very very professionally! bravo! how can el chai not be tamam?? why do we hang on to such empty talk.. why cant people learn the rule of adapting their reactions.. "one rule for all".. ask them if they're order is up to the standard.. a guy once was about to ask me whether I liked the bottled water i ordered!

Am working "from home" today, where home is a Zamalek Cilantro..

I am getting addicted to PostSecret and i hate that its only updated once weekly.. there is a certain rush about reading other ppl's secrets.. secrets they've probably never confessed before, secrets that i sometimes relate to.. it also lets me think about my own secrets if i were to share them.. some are stupid and not so serious, the rest.. well, mostly they are about feelings not actions.. which is ok.. walla eih?

recently.. when i run into ppl outside my circle of work, many comment on my lack of reaction/interaction.. apparently i spend too much energy at work and with my own self, that i have very little left for others.. which is cool actually... as long as am not too drained to have a good time, which i am not -so far-..


You probably wont be reading but...
I heard you lying openly to me.. well, it was something small, really small, and you werent like looking me in the eye or anything because we were on the phone.. but still.. it felt weirdly uncomfortable.. and knowing me, I wouldve blurted out that I knew what you said to the other.. annoying.. coming from you it was even more so! but I've done worse.. and if I were to be forgiven, I need to learn to forgive.. which -knowing me- is actually very easy! I've grown out of the emotional blackmail blabla..


khalass thats it.. more later, bye.

100,000 Fireflies..

I have a mandolin
I play it all night long
It makes me want to kill myself
I also have a dobro
Made in some mountain range
Sounds like a mountain range in love
But when I turn up the tone
On my electric guitar

I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me
I went out to the forest and caught
A hundred thousand fireflies
As they ricochet round the room
They remind me of your starry eyes
Someone else's might not have made me so sad
But this is the worst night I ever had
'cause I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me

You won't be happy with me,
But give me one more chance
You won't be happy anyway

Why do we still live here
In this repulsive town?
All our friends are in New York

Why do we keep shrieking,
when we mean soft things?
We should be whispering all the time...

The Empire in my Mind..

Positive Discharge
This whole positive attitude thing might wear off sooner or later.. and then what? I will be the real me? and the problem with that is what exactly? We claim "we" are sick of playing games.. We agree on honesty and integrity and -most importantly- transparency.. Yes I know I have what I call "emotional dump" sometimes.. I throw all what I feel and what I know and what I like and what I want, I throw it all your way.. Yes it's a lot, but I assumed ("ah! assumed" you would say.. "you know what assume makes, dont you?").. Anyway.. I expect that you'd at least communicate dissatisfaction with the emotional dump, no? It doesnt really matter now, because khalass its Little Miss Sunshine and only her that you'll find..


What Would N Do
So I have been challenging myself to go out of my comfort zone a LOT (at least in my standards!).. and based on recent findings and a series of unfortunate events, I devised a new approach in the last couple of weeks: in any "questionable" situation, I ask myself, "What would N do?" and then I go ahead and NOT do it.. Yes, I just force myself to do something else instead! So far, it's been working for me.. I am internalizing a lot.. I am adopting a positive attitude.. I am trying to be light.. to just "float" instead of being this enormous mass of intensity... N would've sent a fireback message? I wont.. N would be upset? I'd be cool about it then.. N would pursue? I would let go.. N would let go? I would pursue.. N wouldnt play games? Well, I still wouldnt play games either.. Thats the one thing I cant give up on.. I am REAL.. thats the _one_ thing I got.. and without it, I am really nothing..


The 10th Season
You know whats funny? How we know about happy endings.. there is no clear line that tells you "this is an ending.. assess status here".. I mean we just assume it's a happy ending, or because this couple gets married, or because the guy finds a job or because whatever.. we dont pursue it further to see what happens next; do they live in marriage hell? Does he get fired? we never know.. We just assume that if the show's tenth season ends beautifully, then it's a happy ending... Well, in life there is no such thing, because even though i was missing my tenth season, i had my own ending written in my head for it.. giving me the missing CD would only confirm my doubt: no such thing in life as a happy or a sad ending except in our heads.. it goes on..


The Elevator People
I've been thinking about that.. those little cameras in the elevator.. these people who see me every single day, all through my trips.. they watch everything.. they watch how i squeeze myself in the elevator left corner and stand tip-toed when the elevator is full (always left corner, always tip-toe!).. they watch how I dont like (avoid?) looking at the mirror and fixing myself up like almost all other girls.. They watch how we enter apart, and exit together (meet me @ elevators in 2 mins.. i hate passing by people's desks to pick them up for a coffee break).. I used to joke about it.. I used to say that the elevator people see everything and know everything.. They will be the first to know, I used to say.. I used to wonder how much they've seen... they will know if you're lying or cheating, they will be the first to know.. They will notice how you stand silently together in front of people and resume talking when they get out.. and they will see how you will later talk in front of people and drop silent when they leave.. They will see the bare highs and lows.. stripped down from pretense and acts...

You will want to hide it from everyone
.... but the elevator people know.


The Note
And I opened my notebook, and I saw the note that I'd forgotten, and my mind went -blank-. Just completely blank.. and my heart missed a beat or two.. I didnt count because I couldnt, for a split second the time stopped.. It was simply sad.. It was so raw, so pure, so true.. and i still believe it.


Nothing Else Matters
(for two days I've been hearing this song over and over again.. must've heart the following part alone like 30 times in the past couple of days!)
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know


Amélie
I just watched "Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain" again.. not all of it but like its second half (was aired on TV).. this movie is simply beautiful..

"Quand le doigt montre le ciel, l'imbécile regarde le doigt."

"Vous n'avez pas des os en verre, vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette."

Going nowhere fast..

"You know what the problem is?" And this is how I start my talk.. "you know what really bugs me?" or "you know whats the worst thing?".... And then I am told "No, I actually dont know whats the worst thing, because you always refer to something that way.. you always start your talk by this, so I dont know whats the worst thing"... But then again, in my defense, I also start my talk asking you if you know whats the best thing, or if you know what makes me happy, and it turns out to be something you say or do! So they balance out, cancel each other, dont they?

I freaked out when I first heard the song.. I said "going 'somewhere'? why? who put this idea and why? was it something I said or did? Am I sending the wrong signals?"

I freaked out but I believed, and because I believed I trusted.. And I tried.. Thinking back I cant remember how or how much, but I feel I did..

Change of topic... She used to tell me I dont know what I want, but I know what I *don't* want.. you take everything, you chip out what you dont want, and you're left with many ideas for what you want, but you're still lost.. "But you're mistaken", I reply, "I know what I want but I just don't like sharing it!" Why? Do you fear people will mock it when they know it? No, but I just dont like sharing it because I dont like people measuring me against it..

I am my own harshest judge, I really dont cut myself any slack.. Even if I sometimes pretend otherwise. Even if I pretend to victimize myself. Even if I pretend to go really soft on me.. I dont.. I judge myself really really harshly, and on all fronts... So I dont want to add to this any more judgement from anyone.. She tells me I set my bar too low.. She says I am scared of letting people know what I'm capable of, and so I promise them (and myself) nothing.. But sometimes I get weak and I overpromise, then instantly regret it.. I try to set a low bar, so that I always pass it.. That's what she says, and thats what I dont agree with.. walla eih?

Am I as harsh on others as I am on myself? Harsher? More lenient? I really dont know.. I feel I demand too much of myself and of others, but I am more open to expressing what I demand of others.. hence, it's too much, or i am too demanding..

Sometimes I wonder about alternative states of (un)consciousness.. how would it feel? will it hurt? will it give me more clarity? Can I then see and hear what people really think? She will say that I am too obsessed with what people think, with what SHE thinks.. I deny it sometimes, and admit it others...

Sometimes I wonder about losing my memory (selectively?) and starting a new page.. "They" will know, but I won't.. and sometimes ignorance is really a bliss..


Maybe I _am_ a zebra dreaming of his blue mountain.. and i wonder if I will ever get there... right now, it doesnt seem possible anymore.. I cant find my tracks anymore..

47...

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky


It's funny.. if "funny" can be the correct word to mean a mixture of weird annoying silly sweet confusing nice right and wrong.. I was in Beirut for a day (again!) and i realized, i love this city.. people are really polite, nice, and respectful.. i wouldnt mind at all staying there for longer next time.. They are not the loud, negative, annoying, condenscending people we deal with here.. Everything is clean and nice.. and the fooooood.. the food :) if i lived here, i would never think of eating junk ever again.. its not only about the lebanese food (which i love!).. they have a lot of sushi joints, italian, international, etc.. the service is great.. the food is prepared with love.. yes i am a little over-reacting but you need a background (which i wont give)..

for one week before i travel, i have been living on coffee and painkillers alone with minimal food intake.. i arrived there @ 7 pm, was supposed to shower and go out, but instead i showered, sat in bed, ordered room service and watched Showtime Comedy.. soooo unlike my travelling behavior, but i needed my chillout time..

* 47 butterflies in my stomach.. 47 backup plans that dont work.. 47 faults to blame myself for.. or 47 steps of fortune? :)

*The three letters: MCV.. and my question always "and this one too was yours?" :)

...and I discovered that the answer to life, the universe, and everything is not forty-two like i used to think, but 47.. (i know.. it doesnt even make sense)

3adi ba2a.. I decided to build a shell, and be the cocoon..


What am reading these days:
I finally got over my reader's block with "Please Mr. Einestein"... a very very interesting read.. and i dont even like physics to start with.. but all this talk about relativity its really getting to my head.. i should be starting (and finishing) The Kite Runner soon for a book discussion.. but i dont know how that will go...


On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serait-ce possible alors ?

On me dit que l'destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Paraît que le bonheur est à portée de main
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Check it out @ http://youtube.com/watch?v=GsUlSvtziXU

... and then she said

"At that moment I know I am half woman, half child. That a portion of me conceals a child who loves to be amazed, to be taught, to be directed. When I listen, I am a child, and [he] becomes paternal."

and then after I wrote it, I remembered it was quoted before me!


and then more thoughts:

"I feel wind blown. I look younger. I do not try to be the femme fatale. It is useless. I feel loved for myself, for my inner self, for every word I write, for my timidities, my sorrows, my struggles, my defects, my frailness."


I love her short sentences. Her simple words. Her lack of pretention.. I love her intensity, and it scares me at the same time.. It scares me how she handles this intensity.. yet she is not to be called promiscuous. But she is, isnt she? Her intensity also carries immaturity.. emotional immaturity.. inability to cut the cord.. insecurity.. needs to be reminded of how much she is loved and how much she loves..

77 years ago!

Some Flowers Bloom Dead

Weirdly enough, the song i quote a part of below cheers me up :) Very nice lyrics and music... "Now when I think of me, I think of somebody else instead".. Thanks Duke for Wallflowers :)


The way you make me feel
I could collapse
An epidemic I cannot outlast
How could you feel used
when I feel trapped?
ooooh as if it wasn't hard enough

And just as my conscience
starts to clear
I drag the river and you're still there
The way I bring you down
could not compare
ooooh as if it wasn't hard enough
You want to make it so much harder

Now in another world
I could learn to forget
But 'til then I'm here
making room for new regrets
Now some flowers they never bloom
But some flowers just bloom dead
Now some flowers they never bloom
And some flowers just bloom dead

The way I sleep
this bed just can't be made
I pull the covers up around my head
Now when I think of me
I think of somebody else instead
As if it wasn't hard enough
You're gonna make it so much harder

Now in another world
I could learn to forget
But 'til then I'm here
making room for new regrets
Now some flowers they never bloom
And some flowers just bloom dead

The Elephants in the Room and other short stories

Elephants in the Room
"So are we going to keep on ignoring the elephant in the room?", and he looks at me and asks "Elephants? What elephants?".. Why and how are people so good at ignoring elephants? Please tell me before i explode.. They "skirt around the danger zone but dont talk about it later" as Suzanne Vega puts it.. I -on the other hand- get so infuriated with this attitude that it provokes in me the totally opposite reaction.. you're looking the other way? I'll get it and rub it in your face.. i like acknowledging stuff.. i only hate it in one case: when its used to gloat or too remind someone of a weakness.. anyway enough about elephants.. i cant be pushing them up the stairs into the room, just to have them ignored..


Alone or Lonely
I came up with this realization.. that i really dont mind my company at all.. in fact, some of the best times in my life were when i was lone, wishing i had someone with me to share the beauty.. and yet, when someone is there, you overlook all the beauty around you, focusing on tiny details and inner workings of each other..
And she said, "you can never break your loneliness with a partner. Never. You learn to enjoy yourself. Really. No other option.".. Again, she's nailed it down.. and in very simple words too..


Untitled
* I started reading Anais Nin's "Henry and June" about her 'affair' with Henry and June Miller. It seems to be a "heshek-beshek" book as i'd call it.. but beneath that is real intense emotions..

* In the core of us saying "I am not judgemental", lies the worst judgement of all: believing that we are actually in a position to judge them.

* it's hard to dissociate.. and i am particularly lousy at it!

* When i am mad at something -no matter how trivial or how irrational-, never EVER tell me "you shouldnt be mad @ that" or "it makes no sense to feel this way".. do not invalidate my feelings.. you dont need to agree with them, just please dont invalidate them..

* I wish I could lie to people while looking them in the eye..


Nostalgie of the Day

It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.

And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
And The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs
Are the borders of our lives.

Of Being True..

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.


~ In Hamlet, William Shakespeare