The Truth about Cats and Dogs and other Fairytales..

Cats
I've had a lot of cat metaphors recently related to me:
* the movie, Truth about Cats & Dogs, keeps coming up.. the same argument over and over again.. would you choose comfort or thrill? someone cheering for your league or way out of your league? They cant always seem to link how comfort sometimes IS a hidden thrill.. judging and labeling.. fa eih ya3ni? (my famous phrase!) why do you care about the label when its the feeling that counts?? just get along!

* "el 2ott ye7eb khana2o" this phrase has been used in conjuction with me unlimitied number of times in a million contexts and no matter how i try to explain, i cant get them to understand that el 2ott doesnt like khana2o.. el 2ott likes someone, and this someone happens to yekhno2o.. i dont like you BECAUSE you abuse me, i like you IN SPITE of the abuse!

* the same old sneaking (or is it gracefully walking?) like a cat and just giving people this "cat look".. Heba and I used to call it "cat out alone in the rain" look..


Of becoming a Pastafarian
I came across this wiki page a while ago http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster and altho it might -strongly- offend what i believe in.. yet i found the idea hilarious and the way he challenged their ideas quite entertaining.. So the other day am @ Diwan (the day i got that blue notebook) and i saw "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" containing the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts".. anyway i got it a coupla days ago, and started reading it right away.. So far it is really interesting.. the thing about it, is that it makes you requestion your faith in stuff.. which -to me- can actually be a way to regain, revive, or reinforce faith.. It makes you wonder why you believe in what you believe, and dig deeper in this paradigm.. Bobby Henderson (the originator and author) does that in a cool way by illustrating how correlation doesnt equal causation (a favorite topic of mine!) through establishing that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s" (where pirates are FSM "chosen people"!)

ah yes, hear this, followers of FSM are called Pastafarians..

I particularly liked this one from the Eight
I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
* Ending poverty
* Curing diseases
* Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable


Predispositions, Assumptions, and Preconceived Notions
Hate them.. try to prove it wrong in every possible way.. but what i hate most is that i sometimes end up using them myself!


Total Perspective Vortex
The Total Perspective Vortex, in the fictional world of Douglas Adams's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, is the most horrible torture device to which a sentient being can be subjected. Located on Frogstar World B, it shows its victim the entire unimaginable infinity of the universe with a very tiny marker that says "You Are Here" which points to a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot.

Instead of thinking how significant we are -to the universe, to those around us, and to our closest people- how about for a change we consider how INsignificant we are to the world? Makes all the difference!

Delirium Quote(s)
I just came into the book of quotable Sandman's that Karim got me a while ago men amrika, and i really liked these..

* "I like airplanes. I like anywhere that isn't a proper place. I like in-betweens." (Someone just said sthg similar about me 2 days ago!)

* "I am following my fish."

Comfort Zone

my "lather, rinse, repeat" routine is changing! I finally decided to come out of my comfort zone.. was it a comfort zone really? Not really but I was haunted with a fear of it becoming one! change for the sake of change is bad, but this is change for the sake of.... hmmm... growing? yes, growing, maturing, and moving out.. (i hope!) getting emotional and "this is the best place ever" wont do.. if it IS the best place ever, why are you leaving? :D i hate this tamseel..

Those who want me to stay are too scared of leaving themselves.. and who want me to leave dont know what i learned by staying.. so this was/is/will be my call alone...

my friend told me "w 7atseebi el balaleen wel le3ab?" and i told him "yes imagine!" He knows how I liked it at first, and how it suffocated me later, and he knows the in betweens..

that other "person" told me am not loyal.. then said i shouldve negotiated.. i want you to settle on ur choice! do you think i should be a loyal patriot AND a negotiator? dont they contradict a little?

What else.. Zamalek isnt the same except in winter.. maybe i should wait till winter to judge..

Random facts (or what my friend calls "leakage from a water cooler")
* I luv the taste of lemon..
* I got a really really cute blue notebook from Diwan.. eccentric and somehow very "me".. has the drawings of a Tibetan Lamayuru monastry.. (this is the link to it.. i got the Clouds one)
* Recently I feel guilty for sleeping more than 4 hrs a day!!
* I have a terrible headache
* In spite of being an unemotional, antisocial, autistic person, i will miss them.. some more than others, but i will miss them..
* I am very nostalgic!

The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?


i had more thoughts to write, bass khalass thats about it for now..


Bisous,
N.


p.s. If "you" are reading this, you were right, my life is for rent, and I dont learn to buy.. But i _am_ examining the options right now.. and by the way, thank you.

dum dum dum

(for lack of a better title!)

@ Mo's waiting for the mother and the sister for iftar.. IDEALLY we picked here because it is understated and a little off the usual scene.. a family of four walks in, older son, younger daughter.. ya pappa and ya mamma.. and they're looooooooud.. soon as they come in, the waiter directs them to a close table, but -lucky me- they pick the table next to me.. and they hate the A/C so they turn it down ("ah sebhooli sebhooli" the woman says and takes the remote control).. I remember i was young too, but i was never like this, and not because i was hadya, even my brother wasnt like this in public places.. w eih kaman.. hmmm..

anyway.. too tired to talk or blog.. too too too tired... LOL the family is hilarious.. now he got them the pepsi.. momek teshelli el lamoona, the girl says.. the father says, hat'hali ana.. lol.. i think life can be much more silent than this.. why does it take so much noise to live.. loud loud people.. pappa.. lol they're the whining type.. la cassetta sucked and the food was cold and no soup and blablabla..

my own silent family came now.. tata.. (long post still in progress)

On my mind..

.. is one phrase that keeps going on and on and on: ".. for who else would make the journey".. It's part of a sentence keda.. hmmm i dont know.. very meaningful in context.

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some long post is in progress.. of abusive relationships, forgotten dreams, Pink Floyd, et fenetres!

Believing...

every once in a while, i have to remind myself of what i believe in.... so here goes.. Neil Gaiman from American Gods... read it all thru and enjoy!

"I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen-- I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it."

Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

...been thinking about that phrase for sometime now.. its funny.. no one reads directions on a shampoo bottle anymore.. you just know you're supposed to "lather, rinse, repeat".. If product gets into eyes, wash them immediately with water. If problem persists, consult your physician. For external use only (who would ever drink shampoo!)

It's funny.. just becomes a background process keda.. you never stop to wonder or think, is there a better way to do things? Maybe i shouldnt repeat lest my hair gets too dry.. Do i need to change my shampoo? What about conditioner? it just becomes part of your routine.. (note to self -and to readers-: i sound too much like who moved my cheese!)

I am questioning my shampoo big time.. maybe i need to wash my hair with soap instead.. maybe i need to switch to a more fancy brand... i dont know YET, but what i do know is, its time to throw away that bottle and requestion my hair washing techniques!

(As K would say, elli fahem 7aga yerfa3 2eedo!) All in favor say "Aye"..

bahayess no? "fee shakhbata fe demaghi", saraseer and spiders too..

Anyway, to rab ub, here is a part of a song from my childhood that i relate to.... read it thru, its deeper than it seems..

would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a fish

A fish won't do anything but swim in a brook
he can't write his name or read a book
to fool the people is his only thought
and though he's slippery he still gets caught
but if then that sort of life is what you wish
you may grow up to be a fish
a new kind of jumped up slippery fish

And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo
everyday you see quite a few
so you see it's all up to you,
you could be better than you are
you could be swinging on a star


Bisous,
N.


p.s. say a little prayer for me.. maybe i want to be YP too ;)

Fragile -- Handle with Care

So, you probably noticed i havent been myself lately. Or maybe you didnt. Maybe you thought this is who i've always been and you just didnt know me well enough. Well, you're wrong. This has never been me. The reason? Well, they are many. You might know some because i told you or because you guessed them or because you're part of them. No one has the big picture but me, but some have a bigger picture than others. And no i am not willing to share. I already feel i've turned into a whining female and its really really bugging me. So what now? Where do i go from here? Well, i dont know. I am still figuring that out. Meanwhile, i really appreciate my space, your understanding, and whatever quality time we have. Hmmm i keep dismissing every other thought i want to say because its either too personal, too direct, or wrongly timed. Why on earth am i sharing this aslan? The whole point behind blogging still confuses me.

Right now, i want a toffee apple with caramel and pecan nuts :) and cold weather and a little rain drizzle. Hmmm i talk like Delirium. Good night.

Just for "funny" ;)

Prayer

Old Man: "It goes like this. Let's see now: 'Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.' That's it. It's what you pray silently inside yourself anyway, so you may as well have it out in the open."

Arthur: "Hmmm, Well, thank you - "

Old Man: "There's another prayer that goes with it that's very important, so you'd better jot this down, too."

Arthur: "OK."

Old Man: "It goes, 'Lord, lord, lord...' It's best to put that bit in, just in case. You can never be too sure. 'Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. Amen...' And that's it. Most of the trouble people get into in life comes from missing out that last part.'"

~ Old Man Oracle's prayer given to Arthur Dent, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Darkness wanna-be..

You must have been wondering when were these lyrics coming.. i tried to resist it for some time, but it's sooooo well-suited with the mood, no? and it's the first recommended lesson in Darkness for Dummies ;) If you have any suggestions for a darkness beginner, drop them in :)


I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and theyre all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens evry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then Ill fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

Cracking..

The silicon chip inside her head
gets switched to overload
and nobody's gonna go to school today
she's gonna make them stay at home
And Daddy doesn't understand it
He always said she was good as gold
And he can see no reason
Cos there are no reasons
What reasons do you need to be shown

Tell me why I don't like Mondays
Tell me why I don't like Mondays
Tell me why I don't like Mondays
I want to shoot
The whole day down

irrelevant but meaningful

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

~ "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65

The Great Beyond

I've watched the stars fall silent from your eyes
All the sights that I have seen
I can't believe that I believed I wished
That you could see
There's a new planet in the solar system
There is nothing up my sleeve

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
I Look into the stars
I Look into the moon

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

hmmm...

“Whenever you’re far away, I wish you were near. I imagine the conversations we’ll have when you or I come back from a trip. I phone you to make sure everything’s alright. I need to hear your voice every day. I’m still passionate about you, I can guarantee you that ... But what happens when we’re together? We argue, we quarrel over nothing, one of us wants to change the other, to impose his or her view of reality. You demand things of me that make no sense at all, and I do the same. Sometimes, in the silence of our hearts, we say to ourselves: how good it would be to be free, to have no commitments.”

~ Paulo Coelho, El Zahir

Inside her Head

Preamble
I don't know what am talking about.. I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want. Don't analyze, just read.

My first post using Word 2007 blog publishing functionality.

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Lost and Found
Every now and then, I lose myself then find it –wanting to be lost again.. too concerned with the root cause, cause and effect, correlation and causation.. the how's and the why's and should's and ought not's.. cannot just float.. I need to float, to let go.. but I cannot.. too connected, too hooked up, too wired.. but I try, but I cannot.. Cannot or do not want to?

I lost track.. Of time and of path.. I don't see the big picture and I don't see the details.. I don't know where this little cog fits in the big universal machine, or if it fits at all. Infinite loop.. too wound up in the journey that I miss the search, then too focused on the search that I missed the journey.

Provocative
Am I too cynical for your taste? Do I challenge you? Do I provoke your worst fears? Your worst personality traits? Do I get the worst in people? Do I appeal to your good side? Do I speak to your demons? Am I a representation of your demons? Your angels? Do I rub into your face what you want to hide/deny/ignore? Do I make you face your fears? How do I see it? To me, I am the opposites and the in-between.. at least I am consistent in my inconsistency. Organized Chaos.

Spiritual Query
More than 5 years ago, in a sophisticated low-profile Italian restaurant in Kuwait, over lunch, I had a long conversation with a relative/friend/big brother figure about faith, du'aa, Divine intervention, and the alchemy of it all.. Last week, I managed to revive this talk over email. Discussing the Divine absolutes "Mutlaq in everything".. how do we affect and be affected? Why do we need it anyway? Do we need this ultimate knowledge or 'Ilm as a sign of more faith or just to act as a magic wand for us?? He challenges me, "Although Du'aa is the essence of faith and prayers," he says, "it also is an interruption of God's plan(s).. Are we allowed to do so.. or is it a must.. or is it a gift from God to be permitted to alter his unlimited Qaders or possibilities!"

We pose questions and answer them or sometimes leave them unanswered, challenging, questioning, teaching, learning, guessing, knowing, seeing, and believing.. trying to reach a lesser level of ignorance.. Knowledge must be a burden and a curse to those who have it..

Defining Me
If you were to define me, how would you do it? Would you care to see/know how I define myself? Do we know people as we want to know them or as they want to be known? Is it some sort of checklist, checking items that matter to us, and ignoring items that don't? If you want to know me, will you dig deep or will you take me at face value? Does it make any difference what I want? What if my dream world, my fantasy world, is an integral part of my being? Will I have to give it up if you're putting me in context of a material world only? In Flatland, when the Sphere went to the 2D world, he had to become a circle varying in size ya 7aram as he moved up and down in the 2D plane.. he had to give his 3rd dimension to exist in 2D and had a hard time aslan explaining it to others.. am I willing/capable of doing this?

Keywords: learner, teacher, arrogant, opinionated, passionate, fixated, drifter, communicator, nagging, annoying, proud, diverse, stubborn, lover, detached, friend at my own pace, connecting and disconnecting, dependent, independent, scared, thinker, feeler, judgemental, intuitive, dreamer, daydreamer, hopeful, optimist, idealist, social, antisocial

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Epilogue
"It's like trying to find a need… no, not a needle. Something SMALLER than a needle, in a haystack, when you don't even know if you're in the right field!" The Minister, MirrorMask.

If I were..

if I were a weapon
you said I'd be a gun
lethal at close range i guess
with silencer and stun

but I feel more like a needle
always pulling on the thread
always making the same point again
and wondering if you heard what I just said

if you were a weapon
a hammer's what you'd be
blunt and heavy at the end
and coming down on me

but i've concealed a weapon
in a pocket knife attack
all folded up inside until you see the shine
and then you'll want it back

if I were a weapon
you said i'd be a gun
lethal at close range I guess
with silencer and stun

well, if I am that weapon
I am pointing now at you
so just put down the hostage and we'll
talk it down until we see this through

~Suzanne Vega

I am tired

The Letter

LITTLE cramped words scrawling all over the paper
Like draggled fly's legs,
What can you tell of the flaring moon
Through the oak leaves?
Or of my uncurtained window and the bare floor
Spattered with moonlight?
Your silly quirks and twists have nothing in them
Of blossoming hawthorns,
And this paper is dull, crisp, smooth, virgin of loveliness
Beneath my hand.
I am tired, Beloved, of chafing my heart against
The want of you;
Of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
And I scald alone, here, under the fire
Of the greater moon.



Aftermath

I learnt to write to you in happier days,
And every letter was a piece I chipped
From off my heart, a fragment newly clipped
From the mosaic of life; its blues and grays,
Its throbbing reds, I gave to earn your praise.
To make a pavement for your feet I stripped
My soul for you to walk upon, and slipped
Beneath your steps to soften all your ways.
But now my letters are like blossoms pale
We strew upon a grave with hopeless tears.
I ask no recompense, I shall not fail
Although you do not heed; the long, sad years
Still pass, and still I scatter flowers frail,
And whisper words of love which no one hears.



Mirage

How is it that, being gone, you fill my days,
And all the long nights are made glad by thee?
No loneliness is this, nor misery,
But great content that these should be the ways
Whereby the Fancy, dreaming as she strays,
Makes bright and present what she would would be.
And who shall say if the reality
Is not with dreams so pregnant. For delays
And hindrances may bar the wished-for end;
A thousand misconceptions may prevent
Our souls from coming near enough to blend;
Let me but think we have the same intent,
That each one needs to call the other, "friend!"
It may be vain illusion. I'm content.


~ Amy Lowell

It ain't me babe..

I can't stop listening to this Dylan song.. I luv it... melody is amazing.. its all about expectations and frustrations keda.. hmmm.. i think i relate to his "babe" a lot..

Go 'way from my window,
Leave at your own chosen speed.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I'm not the one you need.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an' defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
Someone to open each and every door,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an' more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
An' anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An' to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an' nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Dilbertism..

So-Called Chaos

Deadlines, meetings and contracts all breached
D-days and structure responsibility

Have-to's and need-to's and get-to's by three
Eleventh hours and upset employees

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations and return to what I was born to be

Heartburn and headaches and soon-to-be ulcers
Compulsive yearnings non-stop to please others

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet

All won't be lost if I'm governed by my own innate-ness
Stop lights won't work I'll get home sound and safe regardless
Won't be mayhem if I'm ruled by my own rule-lessness
My fire won't quell and I'll be harm-free and distress-less (trust me)

Line towing, and helping, expectations up to living
Inside box obeying, inside line coloring

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet
I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations and return to what I was born to be