Fragile -- Handle with Care

So, you probably noticed i havent been myself lately. Or maybe you didnt. Maybe you thought this is who i've always been and you just didnt know me well enough. Well, you're wrong. This has never been me. The reason? Well, they are many. You might know some because i told you or because you guessed them or because you're part of them. No one has the big picture but me, but some have a bigger picture than others. And no i am not willing to share. I already feel i've turned into a whining female and its really really bugging me. So what now? Where do i go from here? Well, i dont know. I am still figuring that out. Meanwhile, i really appreciate my space, your understanding, and whatever quality time we have. Hmmm i keep dismissing every other thought i want to say because its either too personal, too direct, or wrongly timed. Why on earth am i sharing this aslan? The whole point behind blogging still confuses me.

Right now, i want a toffee apple with caramel and pecan nuts :) and cold weather and a little rain drizzle. Hmmm i talk like Delirium. Good night.

Just for "funny" ;)

Prayer

Old Man: "It goes like this. Let's see now: 'Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.' That's it. It's what you pray silently inside yourself anyway, so you may as well have it out in the open."

Arthur: "Hmmm, Well, thank you - "

Old Man: "There's another prayer that goes with it that's very important, so you'd better jot this down, too."

Arthur: "OK."

Old Man: "It goes, 'Lord, lord, lord...' It's best to put that bit in, just in case. You can never be too sure. 'Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. Amen...' And that's it. Most of the trouble people get into in life comes from missing out that last part.'"

~ Old Man Oracle's prayer given to Arthur Dent, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Darkness wanna-be..

You must have been wondering when were these lyrics coming.. i tried to resist it for some time, but it's sooooo well-suited with the mood, no? and it's the first recommended lesson in Darkness for Dummies ;) If you have any suggestions for a darkness beginner, drop them in :)


I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and theyre all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens evry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then Ill fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

Cracking..

The silicon chip inside her head
gets switched to overload
and nobody's gonna go to school today
she's gonna make them stay at home
And Daddy doesn't understand it
He always said she was good as gold
And he can see no reason
Cos there are no reasons
What reasons do you need to be shown

Tell me why I don't like Mondays
Tell me why I don't like Mondays
Tell me why I don't like Mondays
I want to shoot
The whole day down

irrelevant but meaningful

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

~ "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65

The Great Beyond

I've watched the stars fall silent from your eyes
All the sights that I have seen
I can't believe that I believed I wished
That you could see
There's a new planet in the solar system
There is nothing up my sleeve

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
I Look into the stars
I Look into the moon

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

hmmm...

“Whenever you’re far away, I wish you were near. I imagine the conversations we’ll have when you or I come back from a trip. I phone you to make sure everything’s alright. I need to hear your voice every day. I’m still passionate about you, I can guarantee you that ... But what happens when we’re together? We argue, we quarrel over nothing, one of us wants to change the other, to impose his or her view of reality. You demand things of me that make no sense at all, and I do the same. Sometimes, in the silence of our hearts, we say to ourselves: how good it would be to be free, to have no commitments.”

~ Paulo Coelho, El Zahir

Inside her Head

Preamble
I don't know what am talking about.. I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want. Don't analyze, just read.

My first post using Word 2007 blog publishing functionality.

---

Lost and Found
Every now and then, I lose myself then find it –wanting to be lost again.. too concerned with the root cause, cause and effect, correlation and causation.. the how's and the why's and should's and ought not's.. cannot just float.. I need to float, to let go.. but I cannot.. too connected, too hooked up, too wired.. but I try, but I cannot.. Cannot or do not want to?

I lost track.. Of time and of path.. I don't see the big picture and I don't see the details.. I don't know where this little cog fits in the big universal machine, or if it fits at all. Infinite loop.. too wound up in the journey that I miss the search, then too focused on the search that I missed the journey.

Provocative
Am I too cynical for your taste? Do I challenge you? Do I provoke your worst fears? Your worst personality traits? Do I get the worst in people? Do I appeal to your good side? Do I speak to your demons? Am I a representation of your demons? Your angels? Do I rub into your face what you want to hide/deny/ignore? Do I make you face your fears? How do I see it? To me, I am the opposites and the in-between.. at least I am consistent in my inconsistency. Organized Chaos.

Spiritual Query
More than 5 years ago, in a sophisticated low-profile Italian restaurant in Kuwait, over lunch, I had a long conversation with a relative/friend/big brother figure about faith, du'aa, Divine intervention, and the alchemy of it all.. Last week, I managed to revive this talk over email. Discussing the Divine absolutes "Mutlaq in everything".. how do we affect and be affected? Why do we need it anyway? Do we need this ultimate knowledge or 'Ilm as a sign of more faith or just to act as a magic wand for us?? He challenges me, "Although Du'aa is the essence of faith and prayers," he says, "it also is an interruption of God's plan(s).. Are we allowed to do so.. or is it a must.. or is it a gift from God to be permitted to alter his unlimited Qaders or possibilities!"

We pose questions and answer them or sometimes leave them unanswered, challenging, questioning, teaching, learning, guessing, knowing, seeing, and believing.. trying to reach a lesser level of ignorance.. Knowledge must be a burden and a curse to those who have it..

Defining Me
If you were to define me, how would you do it? Would you care to see/know how I define myself? Do we know people as we want to know them or as they want to be known? Is it some sort of checklist, checking items that matter to us, and ignoring items that don't? If you want to know me, will you dig deep or will you take me at face value? Does it make any difference what I want? What if my dream world, my fantasy world, is an integral part of my being? Will I have to give it up if you're putting me in context of a material world only? In Flatland, when the Sphere went to the 2D world, he had to become a circle varying in size ya 7aram as he moved up and down in the 2D plane.. he had to give his 3rd dimension to exist in 2D and had a hard time aslan explaining it to others.. am I willing/capable of doing this?

Keywords: learner, teacher, arrogant, opinionated, passionate, fixated, drifter, communicator, nagging, annoying, proud, diverse, stubborn, lover, detached, friend at my own pace, connecting and disconnecting, dependent, independent, scared, thinker, feeler, judgemental, intuitive, dreamer, daydreamer, hopeful, optimist, idealist, social, antisocial

---

Epilogue
"It's like trying to find a need… no, not a needle. Something SMALLER than a needle, in a haystack, when you don't even know if you're in the right field!" The Minister, MirrorMask.

If I were..

if I were a weapon
you said I'd be a gun
lethal at close range i guess
with silencer and stun

but I feel more like a needle
always pulling on the thread
always making the same point again
and wondering if you heard what I just said

if you were a weapon
a hammer's what you'd be
blunt and heavy at the end
and coming down on me

but i've concealed a weapon
in a pocket knife attack
all folded up inside until you see the shine
and then you'll want it back

if I were a weapon
you said i'd be a gun
lethal at close range I guess
with silencer and stun

well, if I am that weapon
I am pointing now at you
so just put down the hostage and we'll
talk it down until we see this through

~Suzanne Vega

I am tired

The Letter

LITTLE cramped words scrawling all over the paper
Like draggled fly's legs,
What can you tell of the flaring moon
Through the oak leaves?
Or of my uncurtained window and the bare floor
Spattered with moonlight?
Your silly quirks and twists have nothing in them
Of blossoming hawthorns,
And this paper is dull, crisp, smooth, virgin of loveliness
Beneath my hand.
I am tired, Beloved, of chafing my heart against
The want of you;
Of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
And I scald alone, here, under the fire
Of the greater moon.



Aftermath

I learnt to write to you in happier days,
And every letter was a piece I chipped
From off my heart, a fragment newly clipped
From the mosaic of life; its blues and grays,
Its throbbing reds, I gave to earn your praise.
To make a pavement for your feet I stripped
My soul for you to walk upon, and slipped
Beneath your steps to soften all your ways.
But now my letters are like blossoms pale
We strew upon a grave with hopeless tears.
I ask no recompense, I shall not fail
Although you do not heed; the long, sad years
Still pass, and still I scatter flowers frail,
And whisper words of love which no one hears.



Mirage

How is it that, being gone, you fill my days,
And all the long nights are made glad by thee?
No loneliness is this, nor misery,
But great content that these should be the ways
Whereby the Fancy, dreaming as she strays,
Makes bright and present what she would would be.
And who shall say if the reality
Is not with dreams so pregnant. For delays
And hindrances may bar the wished-for end;
A thousand misconceptions may prevent
Our souls from coming near enough to blend;
Let me but think we have the same intent,
That each one needs to call the other, "friend!"
It may be vain illusion. I'm content.


~ Amy Lowell

It ain't me babe..

I can't stop listening to this Dylan song.. I luv it... melody is amazing.. its all about expectations and frustrations keda.. hmmm.. i think i relate to his "babe" a lot..

Go 'way from my window,
Leave at your own chosen speed.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I'm not the one you need.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an' defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
Someone to open each and every door,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an' more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
An' anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An' to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an' nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Dilbertism..

So-Called Chaos

Deadlines, meetings and contracts all breached
D-days and structure responsibility

Have-to's and need-to's and get-to's by three
Eleventh hours and upset employees

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations and return to what I was born to be

Heartburn and headaches and soon-to-be ulcers
Compulsive yearnings non-stop to please others

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet

All won't be lost if I'm governed by my own innate-ness
Stop lights won't work I'll get home sound and safe regardless
Won't be mayhem if I'm ruled by my own rule-lessness
My fire won't quell and I'll be harm-free and distress-less (trust me)

Line towing, and helping, expectations up to living
Inside box obeying, inside line coloring

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet
I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations and return to what I was born to be

Inherent Happiness

---
The Shaltanacs are a race from the planet Broop Kidron Thirteen, who had their own version of the Earth phrase, "The other man's grass is always greener." Although, given their planet's horticultural peculiarities, theirs was, "The other Shaltanac's joopleberry shrub is always a more mauve-y shade of pinky russet," and so, the expression fell into disuse, and the Shaltanacs found they had little choice but to become exceptionally happy and content, which surprised everyone else in the galaxy, who had never realised that the best way not to be unhappy is not to have a word for it.
---

~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Life or something like it..

hmmmm... Another picture of Lilia (noticed how her hair is parted lol).. it is an inexplicable comfort i feel when i look at her :) amazing feeling... like when is she going to speak ba'a! it's funny because its not like the first baby i come in contact with, yet it just feels weird keda with her being Oz's daughter and all.. Anyway, so i've been meaning to blog for so so long, I even had this Word document with a draft of my post to be.. the file name is "futile", any hints?

Anyway, one reason i havent really been keen on blogging no more is that primarily i used to blog to update Karembu, M & S, et al. on my daily/weekly/whatever life.. and then recently i decided it is futile since we meet and talk and all.. and i went thru a "why am i blogging" phase.. and then i realized i am really doing it for me.. I want to document certain stuff of my life and thoughts, no matter how trivial.. fa eih ba2a.... on my mind right now, here goes....

Karim is here! after 3 yrs of seeing him once a year, he is here to stay.. this -coupled with the fact that Cilantro finally opened on worx' roof- has made my work days a LOT better.. It has become sort of a ritual to take a daily 10-15 minute coffee break with him to talk about life and stuff.. it feels sooooo good.. really! the guys at cilantro now know us so they go like "the usual?" when they see us :) :) Where the usual is a caramel latte' for me, a hazelnut latte' for karim.. we both dont use sugar but i sprinkle a little cinnamon on mine (and have to be careful because i always get a bit on my clothes!).. Having cilantro made me realize how starbucks suuuuuuucked! At least cilantro tastes more or less the same everyday! SB ba'a was one day too much milk, one day too bitter coffee... ugh.. anyway, its cool to have this coffee ritual.. puts everything into place keda.. puts me in touch with the (really) good old days..

Speaking of good old days, we planned a get-together over breakfast @ lucille's today.. (the laptop am working on has the " and the @ switched together.. VERY annoying) back to story... so kailash was @ worx the other day for some meeting with e-gov ppl or whatever and after that we talked a little and he decided we should get together for breakfast blablabla.. so he goes up to Karim and arranges this thing.. M&S cant make it because they both had work.. so today it was karim, me, kash, michael "protos" and jessica (who are getting married real soon), beco, and gawly -altho we thought they're out-... was very entertaining to sit and talk with these people again.. on the way back, Kash, Karembu, and i had quite an interesting talk about Microsoft in Egypt and all that work with their partners, customers, and all that... again, the issue of stupid sloppiness came up (it comes up in almost any work-related talk i have with anyone).. the "i sent email and they didnt reply so i assumed they will reply"-did you call them-"no" syndrome.. the partner is waiting for the customer to reply and the customer waiting for the partner to get back to them, and everyone is waiting for someone else to act.... grrrr...

What else.... hmmm i feel i have word vomit lol.. i am on a talking spree.. anyway.. ah also recently on my mind.. the issue of correlation and causation... i suffer from that a lot.. well not "suffer", but it pisses me off... initially i hate assumptions... i hate them more when they are based on wrong evidence... let me tell you how... N talks to X a lot in the past 3 months, N has become very aggressive in the past 3 months, therefore X caused N to become aggressive... I feel pure ignorance when faced with such meaningless correlations.. uninformed guesses and haphazard assumptions... seebak!

i hate ppl invading my personal space awiiiiiiii... people who are loud in everything, their voice, makeup, perfume, attitude, opinions, it just bugs me to no end. And i feel trapped in a corner and i feel invisible... (message to the annoying ppl sitting next to me on the cilantro couch right now: please take your laptops, your coffees, and sadwiches and go watch your weird movies somewhere else you're bugging meeeeeeeee! and whoever on earth wears a semi-backless blouse to cilantro???)

Karim has a number of audio books and recorded radio shows on his iPod.. so recently when we're together in his car, we've been listening to H2G2 (if u dont know what that is, wikipedia it!) very funny.. luv british humor....

Ah, what am i reading these days.. well, to your (and my) astonishment, i am currently reading 2 non-fiction books!! non-fiction.. ME! :) however i dont read as frequently as before tho.. for some reason i go home totally busted and just watch a little TV until i sleep.. my reading venues are quite weird: gym and hairdresser! apparently someone forgot a copy of The Tipping Point @ hairdresser so i read a little bit everytime i go there (and it gives me an incentive to go there in the first place :)) and i read Wisdom of the Crowds at gym... both are interesting and are somehow related... the TP tho is very interesting that it had me remembering parts of it without really meaning to... Tipping Point main argument is the point at which an incident or an action becomes an "epidemic" as Gladwell calls it.. maybe one day i'd tell you about it in person..

Enough of that.. phew... i feel much better now thank you for listening..



"Life, don't talk to *me* about life!" ~ Marvin the Paranoid Android

Up so close...

I love this song.. It's by Cake... Dont try to think too much about what it means.. Just enjoy :) sweet melody too.. will blog something real soon..


Up so close, I never get to see your face.
Microscope, I might as well be out in space.
Up so close, I never get to see the view.
Down your throat, I'm never sure if it's still you.
Up your nose, down to your toes.
In your mouth, way down south.
Up so close, it seems I only think of you.
Up so close, I never see the sky so blue.

I only wanted to be sure
That what it was was really pure.
I put my face down in the cake.
My feet were flailing in a lake.

Up so close, I never get to see your face.
Microscope, I might as well be out in space.

Up so close, I never get to see you.
Microscope, I'm never sure if it's still you.

Lilia

I am not very fond of newborns.. They look all wrinkled, red, and feature-less to me.. But this one, Lilia, is the most beautiful newborn I've ever seen.. Ozzi gave birth late Friday to this beauty..

This is Lilia less than one day old.. Being her self-proclaimed godmother, I cant wait till she's old enough to take her to Diwan ;)

Sidney Sheldon

Sidney Sheldon (a fellow aquarian) passed away, just 11 days from turning 90..

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070131/ap_en_ot/obit_sheldon


This guy is one of my all-time favorite writers... I've read all his books.. he just knows a lot keda.. he writes about lawyers, doctors, assassins, ambassadors and he spans tens of countries in his novels.. I was always impressed by his storylines and his knowledgebase... "Un-put-down-able" is how they described his books, and they really were..

His novels were:

• The Naked Face (1970)
• The Other Side of Midnight (1973)
• A Stranger in the Mirror (1976)
• Bloodline (1977)
• Rage of Angels (1980)
• Master of the Game (1982)
• If Tomorrow Comes (1985)
• Windmills of the Gods (1987)
• The Sands of Time (1988)
• Memories of Midnight (1990)
• The Doomsday Conspiracy (1991)
• The Stars Shine Down (1992)
• Nothing Lasts Forever (1994)
• Morning, Noon and Night (1995)
• The Best Laid Plans (1997)
• Tell Me Your Dreams (1998)
• The Sky is Falling (2001)
• Are You Afraid of the Dark? (2004)

And his autobiography, "The Other Side of Me", published last year..

Too bad this man wont be writing no more..

It was a pretty good year...

I liked this TIME cover.. Very cute i think.. It was an ok year i think.. very "intense" I must say.. Too intense actually.. Fights, arguments, happiness, misery, hopes, dreams.. and it all seems sooo long ago.. memories from another lifetime perhaps... or maybe fictional memories..

A year of holding on and letting go, believing and losing faith and not necessarily in this order.. recurring fears and reassurances.. interesting, eh? Eno it was controversial and contradictory..

Resolutions? Working on them.. I need a paradigm shift...