Sunday Secrets..

"El chai tamam ya fandem?" He asks.. yes wallahi el chai tamam.. you managed to put a tea bag and pour hot water on it very very professionally! bravo! how can el chai not be tamam?? why do we hang on to such empty talk.. why cant people learn the rule of adapting their reactions.. "one rule for all".. ask them if they're order is up to the standard.. a guy once was about to ask me whether I liked the bottled water i ordered!

Am working "from home" today, where home is a Zamalek Cilantro..

I am getting addicted to PostSecret and i hate that its only updated once weekly.. there is a certain rush about reading other ppl's secrets.. secrets they've probably never confessed before, secrets that i sometimes relate to.. it also lets me think about my own secrets if i were to share them.. some are stupid and not so serious, the rest.. well, mostly they are about feelings not actions.. which is ok.. walla eih?

recently.. when i run into ppl outside my circle of work, many comment on my lack of reaction/interaction.. apparently i spend too much energy at work and with my own self, that i have very little left for others.. which is cool actually... as long as am not too drained to have a good time, which i am not -so far-..


You probably wont be reading but...
I heard you lying openly to me.. well, it was something small, really small, and you werent like looking me in the eye or anything because we were on the phone.. but still.. it felt weirdly uncomfortable.. and knowing me, I wouldve blurted out that I knew what you said to the other.. annoying.. coming from you it was even more so! but I've done worse.. and if I were to be forgiven, I need to learn to forgive.. which -knowing me- is actually very easy! I've grown out of the emotional blackmail blabla..


khalass thats it.. more later, bye.

100,000 Fireflies..

I have a mandolin
I play it all night long
It makes me want to kill myself
I also have a dobro
Made in some mountain range
Sounds like a mountain range in love
But when I turn up the tone
On my electric guitar

I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me
I went out to the forest and caught
A hundred thousand fireflies
As they ricochet round the room
They remind me of your starry eyes
Someone else's might not have made me so sad
But this is the worst night I ever had
'cause I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me

You won't be happy with me,
But give me one more chance
You won't be happy anyway

Why do we still live here
In this repulsive town?
All our friends are in New York

Why do we keep shrieking,
when we mean soft things?
We should be whispering all the time...

The Empire in my Mind..

Positive Discharge
This whole positive attitude thing might wear off sooner or later.. and then what? I will be the real me? and the problem with that is what exactly? We claim "we" are sick of playing games.. We agree on honesty and integrity and -most importantly- transparency.. Yes I know I have what I call "emotional dump" sometimes.. I throw all what I feel and what I know and what I like and what I want, I throw it all your way.. Yes it's a lot, but I assumed ("ah! assumed" you would say.. "you know what assume makes, dont you?").. Anyway.. I expect that you'd at least communicate dissatisfaction with the emotional dump, no? It doesnt really matter now, because khalass its Little Miss Sunshine and only her that you'll find..


What Would N Do
So I have been challenging myself to go out of my comfort zone a LOT (at least in my standards!).. and based on recent findings and a series of unfortunate events, I devised a new approach in the last couple of weeks: in any "questionable" situation, I ask myself, "What would N do?" and then I go ahead and NOT do it.. Yes, I just force myself to do something else instead! So far, it's been working for me.. I am internalizing a lot.. I am adopting a positive attitude.. I am trying to be light.. to just "float" instead of being this enormous mass of intensity... N would've sent a fireback message? I wont.. N would be upset? I'd be cool about it then.. N would pursue? I would let go.. N would let go? I would pursue.. N wouldnt play games? Well, I still wouldnt play games either.. Thats the one thing I cant give up on.. I am REAL.. thats the _one_ thing I got.. and without it, I am really nothing..


The 10th Season
You know whats funny? How we know about happy endings.. there is no clear line that tells you "this is an ending.. assess status here".. I mean we just assume it's a happy ending, or because this couple gets married, or because the guy finds a job or because whatever.. we dont pursue it further to see what happens next; do they live in marriage hell? Does he get fired? we never know.. We just assume that if the show's tenth season ends beautifully, then it's a happy ending... Well, in life there is no such thing, because even though i was missing my tenth season, i had my own ending written in my head for it.. giving me the missing CD would only confirm my doubt: no such thing in life as a happy or a sad ending except in our heads.. it goes on..


The Elevator People
I've been thinking about that.. those little cameras in the elevator.. these people who see me every single day, all through my trips.. they watch everything.. they watch how i squeeze myself in the elevator left corner and stand tip-toed when the elevator is full (always left corner, always tip-toe!).. they watch how I dont like (avoid?) looking at the mirror and fixing myself up like almost all other girls.. They watch how we enter apart, and exit together (meet me @ elevators in 2 mins.. i hate passing by people's desks to pick them up for a coffee break).. I used to joke about it.. I used to say that the elevator people see everything and know everything.. They will be the first to know, I used to say.. I used to wonder how much they've seen... they will know if you're lying or cheating, they will be the first to know.. They will notice how you stand silently together in front of people and resume talking when they get out.. and they will see how you will later talk in front of people and drop silent when they leave.. They will see the bare highs and lows.. stripped down from pretense and acts...

You will want to hide it from everyone
.... but the elevator people know.


The Note
And I opened my notebook, and I saw the note that I'd forgotten, and my mind went -blank-. Just completely blank.. and my heart missed a beat or two.. I didnt count because I couldnt, for a split second the time stopped.. It was simply sad.. It was so raw, so pure, so true.. and i still believe it.


Nothing Else Matters
(for two days I've been hearing this song over and over again.. must've heart the following part alone like 30 times in the past couple of days!)
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know


Amélie
I just watched "Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain" again.. not all of it but like its second half (was aired on TV).. this movie is simply beautiful..

"Quand le doigt montre le ciel, l'imbécile regarde le doigt."

"Vous n'avez pas des os en verre, vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette."

Going nowhere fast..

"You know what the problem is?" And this is how I start my talk.. "you know what really bugs me?" or "you know whats the worst thing?".... And then I am told "No, I actually dont know whats the worst thing, because you always refer to something that way.. you always start your talk by this, so I dont know whats the worst thing"... But then again, in my defense, I also start my talk asking you if you know whats the best thing, or if you know what makes me happy, and it turns out to be something you say or do! So they balance out, cancel each other, dont they?

I freaked out when I first heard the song.. I said "going 'somewhere'? why? who put this idea and why? was it something I said or did? Am I sending the wrong signals?"

I freaked out but I believed, and because I believed I trusted.. And I tried.. Thinking back I cant remember how or how much, but I feel I did..

Change of topic... She used to tell me I dont know what I want, but I know what I *don't* want.. you take everything, you chip out what you dont want, and you're left with many ideas for what you want, but you're still lost.. "But you're mistaken", I reply, "I know what I want but I just don't like sharing it!" Why? Do you fear people will mock it when they know it? No, but I just dont like sharing it because I dont like people measuring me against it..

I am my own harshest judge, I really dont cut myself any slack.. Even if I sometimes pretend otherwise. Even if I pretend to victimize myself. Even if I pretend to go really soft on me.. I dont.. I judge myself really really harshly, and on all fronts... So I dont want to add to this any more judgement from anyone.. She tells me I set my bar too low.. She says I am scared of letting people know what I'm capable of, and so I promise them (and myself) nothing.. But sometimes I get weak and I overpromise, then instantly regret it.. I try to set a low bar, so that I always pass it.. That's what she says, and thats what I dont agree with.. walla eih?

Am I as harsh on others as I am on myself? Harsher? More lenient? I really dont know.. I feel I demand too much of myself and of others, but I am more open to expressing what I demand of others.. hence, it's too much, or i am too demanding..

Sometimes I wonder about alternative states of (un)consciousness.. how would it feel? will it hurt? will it give me more clarity? Can I then see and hear what people really think? She will say that I am too obsessed with what people think, with what SHE thinks.. I deny it sometimes, and admit it others...

Sometimes I wonder about losing my memory (selectively?) and starting a new page.. "They" will know, but I won't.. and sometimes ignorance is really a bliss..


Maybe I _am_ a zebra dreaming of his blue mountain.. and i wonder if I will ever get there... right now, it doesnt seem possible anymore.. I cant find my tracks anymore..

47...

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky


It's funny.. if "funny" can be the correct word to mean a mixture of weird annoying silly sweet confusing nice right and wrong.. I was in Beirut for a day (again!) and i realized, i love this city.. people are really polite, nice, and respectful.. i wouldnt mind at all staying there for longer next time.. They are not the loud, negative, annoying, condenscending people we deal with here.. Everything is clean and nice.. and the fooooood.. the food :) if i lived here, i would never think of eating junk ever again.. its not only about the lebanese food (which i love!).. they have a lot of sushi joints, italian, international, etc.. the service is great.. the food is prepared with love.. yes i am a little over-reacting but you need a background (which i wont give)..

for one week before i travel, i have been living on coffee and painkillers alone with minimal food intake.. i arrived there @ 7 pm, was supposed to shower and go out, but instead i showered, sat in bed, ordered room service and watched Showtime Comedy.. soooo unlike my travelling behavior, but i needed my chillout time..

* 47 butterflies in my stomach.. 47 backup plans that dont work.. 47 faults to blame myself for.. or 47 steps of fortune? :)

*The three letters: MCV.. and my question always "and this one too was yours?" :)

...and I discovered that the answer to life, the universe, and everything is not forty-two like i used to think, but 47.. (i know.. it doesnt even make sense)

3adi ba2a.. I decided to build a shell, and be the cocoon..


What am reading these days:
I finally got over my reader's block with "Please Mr. Einestein"... a very very interesting read.. and i dont even like physics to start with.. but all this talk about relativity its really getting to my head.. i should be starting (and finishing) The Kite Runner soon for a book discussion.. but i dont know how that will go...


On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serait-ce possible alors ?

On me dit que l'destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Paraît que le bonheur est à portée de main
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Check it out @ http://youtube.com/watch?v=GsUlSvtziXU

... and then she said

"At that moment I know I am half woman, half child. That a portion of me conceals a child who loves to be amazed, to be taught, to be directed. When I listen, I am a child, and [he] becomes paternal."

and then after I wrote it, I remembered it was quoted before me!


and then more thoughts:

"I feel wind blown. I look younger. I do not try to be the femme fatale. It is useless. I feel loved for myself, for my inner self, for every word I write, for my timidities, my sorrows, my struggles, my defects, my frailness."


I love her short sentences. Her simple words. Her lack of pretention.. I love her intensity, and it scares me at the same time.. It scares me how she handles this intensity.. yet she is not to be called promiscuous. But she is, isnt she? Her intensity also carries immaturity.. emotional immaturity.. inability to cut the cord.. insecurity.. needs to be reminded of how much she is loved and how much she loves..

77 years ago!

Some Flowers Bloom Dead

Weirdly enough, the song i quote a part of below cheers me up :) Very nice lyrics and music... "Now when I think of me, I think of somebody else instead".. Thanks Duke for Wallflowers :)


The way you make me feel
I could collapse
An epidemic I cannot outlast
How could you feel used
when I feel trapped?
ooooh as if it wasn't hard enough

And just as my conscience
starts to clear
I drag the river and you're still there
The way I bring you down
could not compare
ooooh as if it wasn't hard enough
You want to make it so much harder

Now in another world
I could learn to forget
But 'til then I'm here
making room for new regrets
Now some flowers they never bloom
But some flowers just bloom dead
Now some flowers they never bloom
And some flowers just bloom dead

The way I sleep
this bed just can't be made
I pull the covers up around my head
Now when I think of me
I think of somebody else instead
As if it wasn't hard enough
You're gonna make it so much harder

Now in another world
I could learn to forget
But 'til then I'm here
making room for new regrets
Now some flowers they never bloom
And some flowers just bloom dead

The Elephants in the Room and other short stories

Elephants in the Room
"So are we going to keep on ignoring the elephant in the room?", and he looks at me and asks "Elephants? What elephants?".. Why and how are people so good at ignoring elephants? Please tell me before i explode.. They "skirt around the danger zone but dont talk about it later" as Suzanne Vega puts it.. I -on the other hand- get so infuriated with this attitude that it provokes in me the totally opposite reaction.. you're looking the other way? I'll get it and rub it in your face.. i like acknowledging stuff.. i only hate it in one case: when its used to gloat or too remind someone of a weakness.. anyway enough about elephants.. i cant be pushing them up the stairs into the room, just to have them ignored..


Alone or Lonely
I came up with this realization.. that i really dont mind my company at all.. in fact, some of the best times in my life were when i was lone, wishing i had someone with me to share the beauty.. and yet, when someone is there, you overlook all the beauty around you, focusing on tiny details and inner workings of each other..
And she said, "you can never break your loneliness with a partner. Never. You learn to enjoy yourself. Really. No other option.".. Again, she's nailed it down.. and in very simple words too..


Untitled
* I started reading Anais Nin's "Henry and June" about her 'affair' with Henry and June Miller. It seems to be a "heshek-beshek" book as i'd call it.. but beneath that is real intense emotions..

* In the core of us saying "I am not judgemental", lies the worst judgement of all: believing that we are actually in a position to judge them.

* it's hard to dissociate.. and i am particularly lousy at it!

* When i am mad at something -no matter how trivial or how irrational-, never EVER tell me "you shouldnt be mad @ that" or "it makes no sense to feel this way".. do not invalidate my feelings.. you dont need to agree with them, just please dont invalidate them..

* I wish I could lie to people while looking them in the eye..


Nostalgie of the Day

It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.

And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
And The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs
Are the borders of our lives.

Of Being True..

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.


~ In Hamlet, William Shakespeare

émotions d'autrefois

L'homme de Verre: Elle préfère imaginer une relation avec quelqu'un d'absent que de créer des liens avec ceux qui sont présents ?
Amélie: Non...Peut-être même qu'elle fait tout pour arranger la vie des autres.
L'homme de Verre: Mais elle? La sienne, de vie,....qui va s'en occuper ?
Amélie: En attendant, mieux vaut se consacreraux autres qu'à un nain de jardin.

Mon petit plaisir

TP Update

On December 11, 2007, Terry Pratchett, writer of the Discworld series, announced that he has "a very rare form of early onset Alzheimer's"..

From TP's blog:

P.S. I would just like to draw attention to everyone reading the above that this should be interpreted as 'I am not dead'. I will, of course, be dead at some future point, as will everybody else. For me, this maybe further off than you think - it's too soon to tell.
I know it's a very human thing to say "Is there anything I can do", but in this case I would only entertain offers from very high-end experts in brain chemistry.

Expressive..

It still feels good to talk.. I am thankful for the illusion of companionship, and the phantom of a companion.

My perception, reflection, (im)perfection..

I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.

~ Anaïs Nin

Why here?

I need a place where I can shout and weep. I have to be a Spanish savage at some time of the day. I record here the hysteria life causes in me. The overflow of an undisciplined extravagance. To hell with taste and art, with all contractions and polishings. Here I shout, I dance, I weep, I gnash my teeth, I go mad —all by myself, in bad English, in chaos. It will keep me sane for the world and for art.

~ Anaïs Nin, Oct. 27, 1933 (writing about her diary)

Nostalgie

27, Rue Roushdy Pacha
I am much more proud of my heritage than I let out sometimes..
I've lived my very early childgood years outside Egypt and used to come here for the occasional visit, wedding, long weekend with my dad.. To me, Egypt was "27 Rue Roushdy Pacha"; the address of my Geddo's 2-storey villa where my uncle and aunt lived afterwards.. i never knew my Geddo and Teta, he passed away in the 60's when my older brother was just a baby and she passed away a long before that time, yet i always felt their presence in the house.. i imagined her with her white veil/shawl sitting on the sofa facing the big green door, running the household and ordering everyone around.. I pictured Geddo in the garden, making shish kabab that he would probably just taste (he was a vegetarian wannabe like me :)) back to my childhood, i used to love walking in the garden at sunrise and sunset, the smell of jasmine was amazing in the air.. until this day, the smell of jasmine trees near residential areas can bring tears to my eyes with nostalgia..

I used to walk from there to my other uncle's house next door... my uncle himself had died when i was very young but his 2 daughters who were in college back then used to spoil me like crazy... I used to walk till Zikry Pharmacy, then to Kharinos -the best place for Cassata (or however you spell it) and get gateaux.. I used to walk to Karameh, the ancient Palestinian grocer's who sold everything from pencils, to ice-cream, to "yameesh", to rice.. Karameh was a very very very old man, who was old since my father was a young boy, and who probably outlived my dad..

A couple of years after we moved to Egypt, they sold the villa.. for the exception of my dad, it was a unanimous decision.. I went there a couple of weeks ago with a friend of mine.. we were driving near the area and i wanted to see whatever happened to it.. it looked ugly.. they changed the green iron fence (painted it maybe), they took down the mango trees -the fruits of which always made me cough-, they put white statues in the veranda that overlooked the garden, and they were building one more floor on top of it so it was in the grey cement phase.. It broke my heart.. a piece of my childhood was lost forever..


Coco Chanel
When I was young, my dad's ex-wife or my brother's mother as i like to call her (i have an unusual family structure) used to get me small bottles of Coco Chanel whenever she saw me.. She worked in Duty Free blabla so she had a lot of those.. the échantillon black bottle with 5 ml of the beautiful scent :) Funny thing is, i used to call my brother Coco, so for many years i grew up thinking this perfume was actually named after him!! And they tell you i was a smart baby!


Morning Rain
A memory from older years... Waking up to morning rain, sitting in the balcony a little after sunrise just to watch/smell the rain, sip tea, and contemplate.. i did that the day of the rainstorm last month, and it was a cleansing experience.. give me more winter anytime.. the lethal combination of being near Zamalek while winter is approaching is irresistable..


"My life is slowed up by thought and the need to understand what I am living." ~Anais Nin

Tagged - dedicated to fadfadation

i dont really like tagging and being tagged, but yalla its only once :) (a real post is coming!)

1- Whats your blog's name?
My Alternative Reality

2- Why did you choose this name?
I live moving between LaLa Land and Wonderland :) I always challenge the status quo, if not out loud, then at least in my mind.. i play the devil's advocate in almost every argument, because i believe there is always an alternative way to view things.. i hate conforming to one viewpoint.. yes there is usually one right thing, but there is a million ways to do this thing.. just because i dont do it your way doesnt mean am wrong.. yet i must clarify eno am not the "khalef to3raf" kind, i just dont like conforming for the sake of conforming.. this space is for me venting out my thoughts and perceptions of reality and its projection on my alternative universe :D

3- What does your blog's photo represent to you (if any)?
My blog doesnt have a picture.. but if it did, it will be the cheshire cat (the grinning cat that comes with Alice, disappearing body first then grin last :))... what this represents to me is cheerful, playful, and loyal in a weird combination! hmmmmm... c'est tout!

"Hypocritical" Oath!

I hate how you are.. so pretentious and fake with this ghost halo of selflessness and this false ego (note to "her": dont you see how often we use this false ego thing lately?)

I hate how you pretend to care, when you're really thinking about yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that really.. we ALL put ourselves first, so you dont have to pretend otherwise really! I mean really.. who will judge you ya3ni? you're the only one who is laying judgements around, so unless you judge you, i wont :)

I hate how you love to break news and watch the expressions on people's faces, how you love to gloat, how you love to go like "I dont mean to say I told you so, but I did tell you so!", how you pretend to care, infront of me and infront of yourself.. how you fool yourself before fooling others, and you never come clean with your real intentions, and you never challenge your own beliefs..

You pretend to be a "Fakir", but you're just a "faker"..

You disgust me! and you know what? You deserve to be stuck in the cave forever, your likes who managed to get out did nothing but pollute the beautiful clean place that this used to be..



p.s. this post is to no one in particular.. it is to a "prototype" of a person, who by the way wouldnt be reading this, because to him/her/it, this is more than what they can comprehend!

p.p.s. Yes I am very condescending, and it is about time kaman!

The Truth about Cats and Dogs and other Fairytales..

Cats
I've had a lot of cat metaphors recently related to me:
* the movie, Truth about Cats & Dogs, keeps coming up.. the same argument over and over again.. would you choose comfort or thrill? someone cheering for your league or way out of your league? They cant always seem to link how comfort sometimes IS a hidden thrill.. judging and labeling.. fa eih ya3ni? (my famous phrase!) why do you care about the label when its the feeling that counts?? just get along!

* "el 2ott ye7eb khana2o" this phrase has been used in conjuction with me unlimitied number of times in a million contexts and no matter how i try to explain, i cant get them to understand that el 2ott doesnt like khana2o.. el 2ott likes someone, and this someone happens to yekhno2o.. i dont like you BECAUSE you abuse me, i like you IN SPITE of the abuse!

* the same old sneaking (or is it gracefully walking?) like a cat and just giving people this "cat look".. Heba and I used to call it "cat out alone in the rain" look..


Of becoming a Pastafarian
I came across this wiki page a while ago http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster and altho it might -strongly- offend what i believe in.. yet i found the idea hilarious and the way he challenged their ideas quite entertaining.. So the other day am @ Diwan (the day i got that blue notebook) and i saw "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" containing the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts".. anyway i got it a coupla days ago, and started reading it right away.. So far it is really interesting.. the thing about it, is that it makes you requestion your faith in stuff.. which -to me- can actually be a way to regain, revive, or reinforce faith.. It makes you wonder why you believe in what you believe, and dig deeper in this paradigm.. Bobby Henderson (the originator and author) does that in a cool way by illustrating how correlation doesnt equal causation (a favorite topic of mine!) through establishing that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s" (where pirates are FSM "chosen people"!)

ah yes, hear this, followers of FSM are called Pastafarians..

I particularly liked this one from the Eight
I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
* Ending poverty
* Curing diseases
* Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable


Predispositions, Assumptions, and Preconceived Notions
Hate them.. try to prove it wrong in every possible way.. but what i hate most is that i sometimes end up using them myself!


Total Perspective Vortex
The Total Perspective Vortex, in the fictional world of Douglas Adams's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, is the most horrible torture device to which a sentient being can be subjected. Located on Frogstar World B, it shows its victim the entire unimaginable infinity of the universe with a very tiny marker that says "You Are Here" which points to a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot.

Instead of thinking how significant we are -to the universe, to those around us, and to our closest people- how about for a change we consider how INsignificant we are to the world? Makes all the difference!

Delirium Quote(s)
I just came into the book of quotable Sandman's that Karim got me a while ago men amrika, and i really liked these..

* "I like airplanes. I like anywhere that isn't a proper place. I like in-betweens." (Someone just said sthg similar about me 2 days ago!)

* "I am following my fish."

Comfort Zone

my "lather, rinse, repeat" routine is changing! I finally decided to come out of my comfort zone.. was it a comfort zone really? Not really but I was haunted with a fear of it becoming one! change for the sake of change is bad, but this is change for the sake of.... hmmm... growing? yes, growing, maturing, and moving out.. (i hope!) getting emotional and "this is the best place ever" wont do.. if it IS the best place ever, why are you leaving? :D i hate this tamseel..

Those who want me to stay are too scared of leaving themselves.. and who want me to leave dont know what i learned by staying.. so this was/is/will be my call alone...

my friend told me "w 7atseebi el balaleen wel le3ab?" and i told him "yes imagine!" He knows how I liked it at first, and how it suffocated me later, and he knows the in betweens..

that other "person" told me am not loyal.. then said i shouldve negotiated.. i want you to settle on ur choice! do you think i should be a loyal patriot AND a negotiator? dont they contradict a little?

What else.. Zamalek isnt the same except in winter.. maybe i should wait till winter to judge..

Random facts (or what my friend calls "leakage from a water cooler")
* I luv the taste of lemon..
* I got a really really cute blue notebook from Diwan.. eccentric and somehow very "me".. has the drawings of a Tibetan Lamayuru monastry.. (this is the link to it.. i got the Clouds one)
* Recently I feel guilty for sleeping more than 4 hrs a day!!
* I have a terrible headache
* In spite of being an unemotional, antisocial, autistic person, i will miss them.. some more than others, but i will miss them..
* I am very nostalgic!

The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?


i had more thoughts to write, bass khalass thats about it for now..


Bisous,
N.


p.s. If "you" are reading this, you were right, my life is for rent, and I dont learn to buy.. But i _am_ examining the options right now.. and by the way, thank you.